My story

[oneday86]

Hi i really need support at the monent. Im 23 well actually 24 today, i found out yesterday that i lost my baby at 5 weeks through IVF/ICSI this was our 3rd attempt. Im so crushed, i cant stop crying my husband said please be happy its your birthday and i just feel how can i possibly be happy when the only thing i want was takin away from me yesterday and today is just another reminder im a yr older and i still dont have the child i so badly ache for! I really thought this was it, our little embryo fought for a week while i was bleeding and then we lost it. I feel like iv let everyone down, my husband and our family

[Loula]

the pain of a loss is somthing that will never leave you, you will continue to go on.

Loosing a pg or having an emotional loss of anything near a special event like a birthday is always going to be a reminder. That is somthing that you will also re live every year.

The people who care for you say things that you think 'how can you say that' but it is because they love you and hurt seeing your pain. I suffered 5 early losses just like yours and one ectopic. as much as i know the pain at the time was so hard to bare i needed to allow it to happen, to ache. I never looj back at EDD of any of my angles and i never even wored out when i would have been due, that way i didnt feel the pain again.

Even now i am pg after 15 cycles of IVF (i started when i was 22) i didnt tell anyone IRL my due date asi never thought i would get there.

i know its easy for someone else to come on a forum and say, keep your chin up. but please be kind to yourself. look to the future, what are your next plans? and think this time you got a little further xx thtas what always kept me going

xxi dont want to say have a happy birthday as i know you maynot. but please take time for yourself, this is a day to celebrate that you are here and you are very much loved

[oneday86]

Thanks so much loula for your kind words. my birthday has been better then i thought, my mum took me out shopping and for lunch and then brought me a kitten this has distracted me lots which is good right now. my hubby is having a short day at work today so he can be with me as he felt so terrible leaving me in tears this morning. I just want to say i am soooo sorry you had to go through so much, i cant even start to imagine what it would feel like to go through 15 cycles and 5 losses! but i am so glad you are finally there you definetly deserve it. If you dont mind me asking, were you givin a reason as to why it took so long and why you had so many losses? Our infertility issues are on my DH side (no motility). I had basic tests before starting IVF and there were no issues but i am concerned about my progesterone level, my body dosnt obsorb the pessaries very well i was on 4 a day which is max and i still had a low level. What worries me is on a stim cycle aparently your body produces progesterone from all the stimulated follicules but i still had a low level and i was also on 2 pessaries a day??? and if this is so will it ever work? My DH and i have decided to have this month off and try a natural frozen cycle in august, have you tried this kind of cycle?

[Loula]

Hun, i dont know what to offer as i wish i had the secret answer for all IVFers. i got a lot of information over the years from BB and went to my FS (after changing 5 times too!) and demanded changes for every cycle, towards the last few years i was the one deciding on what kind of cycle i was going to do and what drugs i was going to take.

my pg is due to going to a new FS who listened to me and wanted to do all i was going to ask for without me asking (finally i found someone who was on the same page!)

If you are concerned about your P4 levels then get it checked at day 21 while you are not doing a cycle (this may give you an indication)

stims can mess with your system so it may mess with the next natural cycle.

my issure was recurrent irratation and infection, but i never tested positive for anything but would get high WBC count after tf (could have been the NKC, but again tested - for these) when i went to the new FS she asked if i had been tested for ureaplasma, i said i think so i have had all thetesting over the years, she replied no you need to spec request this one, so i called my previous FS and he said there was no point as it is part of the normal vaginal flora, and 80% of the population have it.

I tested and tested + was treated and the next cycle was pg! after all this time.

Research in the US say that this bacteria can cause pre term delivery or early MC. It is a simple test and i would say to all women embarking on IVF to get it doen (a urine test for you and DH) if i had done this prior to all my ops and cycles i may have been blessed with the babies i lost so early? i dont know the answer to that but it is my belief.

If i was concerned with getting af before BT (is this is what is happening to you?) then i would also ask for booster HCG injections, day 4 and 8 or some FS do day 3,6 and 9. (as you get three in a pack)

was this your first pg with IVF? some FS will do recurrent implantation failure but only after at least three mc, and these test can be expensive.

If you believe your P4 is the issue then i think you should discuss this with your FS prior to your next TF. I beieve your inner self knows best.

I would follow women on BB who were lucky to fall pg and aim to do what they did in their cycle to the letter, but we are all different, sure i have learnt so much and would not have my BFP unless it was for BB and the knoweldge i have gained through others but dont feel let down if what they did didnt work for you, we are all different, but every cycle is a new opportunity

xenjoy your little meow!

[oneday86]

Thanks so much Loula for sharing your story i really appreciate it. I will definetly talk to the clinic about my worries with pogesterone. BB has already helped me through so much and i am so thankful for the support i have recieved on here. Best wishes for you and i look forward to one day chatting to you in a pregnancy forum. xx

[dory]

oneday86 - dear sweet blossom - I am so sorry for the loss of your angel and your pregnancy. Take the time that you need to grieve, irrespective of what anyone else says. If your DH is anything like mine, he hurts too, and wants to try and stop you hurting, and if he sees you "happy" it stops him hurting as much. No one can stop you hurting, it's just something you need to work through and honour. it's not that he doesn't care, although it seems that way. Give him a hug and let him know you love him but you just need to grieve. Hugs to you both. Go gently.

[oneday86]

Thank you Dory, everyday does seem to get a bit easier although today it was my birthday celebration with my family and it was very hard, my brother has 3 children and my sister is 5 months pregnant, i felt so alone and left out! i want to be able to be there and celebrate with my sister but it is so hard when im grieving. My husband is my rock and is always there for me but he see's the possitive in everything and dosn't want me to hurt, he feels so bad as he blames him self as he has the infertility problem, i think it hurts him alot to see me going through so much and crying all the time. Sometimes i wonder if i will ever have a baby but when i hear other stories about other women going through the same thing and they are now pregnant it gives me hope. i think at the moment my biggest hurdle is just feeling empty, i dont have any drive at the moment im not enjoying work and i feel like i have nothing to look forward to, im so hurt that my baby has been taken away from me, usually i have the next cycle to keep me going but because we arn't going into the next cycle straight away i just feel nothing! Im sorry to ramble on but i feel BB is the only place i can go where ppl understand. Thank you for listening xxxxxx

ME 24 & DH 25
ICSI
STIM #1 BFN
FET #2 BFN
FET #3 BFP our little angel 5 weeks

[Tegam]

oneday86 - dear sweet blossom - I am so sorry for the loss of your angel and your pregnancy. Take the time that you need to grieve, irrespective of what anyone else says. If your DH is anything like mine, he hurts too, and wants to try and stop you hurting, and if he sees you "happy" it stops him hurting as much. No one can stop you hurting, it's just something you need to work through and honour. it's not that he doesn't care, although it seems that way. Give him a hug and let him know you love him but you just need to grieve. Hugs to you both. Go gently.

How could i possibly say it any better than that!

[dory]

Oneday - you are grieving ..... all of those feelings you describe, are sadly, just so normal and a part of the grieving process.... the emptiness is probably the most frightening. If you need time off from work, don't be afraid to take it ( if you can) as it does help ( well it helped me)

In time, and I can't tell you how long, because for everyone its different, but in time you will feel more interested in your "usual daily activities" including work and in time you will find things to look forward to. If you don't start to, then seek professional help. Does the IVF clinic have a counsellor? Maybe you should contact them and set up an appointment? They should be experienced in both grief and the challenges of IVF

For me I was luckily enough to have 3 rambunctous cats, who kept me company during the early raw stages of my grief and kept me going - they demand to be fed - and in time I began to take a little joy from them and then one day I surprised myself when I heard myself laughing at some crazy antics they were up to. Of course, that then started a fresh wave of crying, because it reminded me I hadn't smiled or laughed for a while and also of the reasons why. But as you work through your grief, remember, it's ok to smile and laugh... it's a sign that you're starting to find your way through... and it doesn't dishonour or disrespect your baby.

Wow - that would have been so hard ... your birthday "celebration". Remember, it's ok to say no whilst you are healing. I am pretty amazed you did it. You are so strong.

BTW - thanks possum

[tracey2010]

Hi oneday, just wanted to say how sorry I am at your loss. I am new to this as well, but dont have the advantage of young age on my side, thats so much a positive for you honey. I wish you all the best and believe you will get your much wanted BFP soon.. All the best, you sound like a wonderful caring person with much love to give.. Trace xx

[oneday86]

Thanks dory and tracey2010, The birthday celebration was very hard i find it very hard to be around my family at the moment as they just talk about my sisters baby and my brothers children which is fair enough its not all about me and they deserve to be happy but its just hard for me to hear about my sister or other people talking baby plans when i feel like everyones getting there happiness and im still here waiting. My husband and i had a chat tonight about our next cycle and he told me to do what ever makes me happy as iv decided im going to start the next cycle when my period comes, we arn't going to tell anyone (apart from you ladies on BB ) just because i feel everyone judges and will say that we should have a break, i know that they just want the best for us but i believe this is the best thing for me, im not trying to replace the baby i lost i just know im a much more stronger, happier person when im trying for my dream and this will help me to move on from my loss as it will keep me distracted. Its funny you say that about your cats dory because thats the same for me, my mum just got me my 2nd cat/kitten on my birthday and they both have been keeping me very busy which is good and im not sure what it is but animals have always lifted me, they just always seem to make me feel better when im down.
Thanks again ladies i really do appreciate your words xxxx

ME 24 & DH 25
ICSI
STIM #1 BFN
FET #2 BFN
FET #3 BFP we lost our little angel @ 5 weeks

[dory]

Oneday - hope your cycle returns quickly so you can start to pursue your dream sooner. Take care of yourselves and hoping to see you in the pregnnacy after loss thread soon!