Deepak Chopra & his fortress theory...

[Inanna]

"Building a fortress and defending yourself behind it will only make you more vulnerable. Healing your own heart is the single most powerful thing you can do to change the world. Your own transformation will enable you to withdraw so completely from evil that you contribute to it by not one word, one thought, or one breath. This healing process is like recovering your soul. "(Deepak Chopra)

I have been reading Deepak again on & off & I must say I love him. This particular quote has really resonated with me. Ive been meaning to post this for a few weeks now but time wouldn't let me until today!

Most of us have had terrible pain & heartaches in our life - all of us so very different from the next & some of us so very similar.

For me I have tried to really examine the theme that runs through my life. It is undoubtedly abandonment. Although I must say I don't really feel abandoned now but in simple terms I would have to say that's what it is.

I have thought how I have verbalised many many times how I just don't think there are "good" men out there. (I am meaning that I am seeing less and less truly emotionally responsible, mature men). So I am inviting this into my life. I have this as a core belief. My father bless his cotton y fronts is about as emotionally handicapped as one could be - my ex husband is another. I have invited it. Manifested my belief.

So, I built this fortress to hide behind so I didn't have to heal my heart. Interesting concept hey. That instead of really going into it we will build this protection around ourselves!

I see these fabulous men but I don't believe I could have one as it's not my story! I've built the wall without healing my childhood pains... (which is where most of our deep pains stem).

Just thought I'd share. I remember I did this as a victim of sexual abuse. I refused to think about what happened or admit to myself that it did happen. I pretended. Of course it manifested as it always does in another way. Physically for me with symptoms. So I was forced to deal with it, face it and meet it and let it gently go - it took a long time but it's not really my story any more rather a part of my life.

I recognise that I have written the story that I need to be alone that no man is going to be emotionally whole enough for me. BINGO! So that's what I get!

Not that I want a man but I want to know that if one comes along I've attracted a whole one!

Anyway this doesn't require an answer - just sharing the connect the dots that old Deepak has helped me with!

[Arcadia]

I really love the quote too!

It makes me wonder though about really old or deep hurts that are so built into our identity that to heal them is to loose a part of ourselves.

I am thinking of my mum, who has a huge fortress around ideas of abandonment...but this fortress is so ingrained she would not recognize herself without it. We have talked at length about it, and it seems the abandoned child is integral to how she imagines herself.

I know most people want to heal their hurts, but some seem to feed off them itms?

[Inanna]

I was just thinking of you this nano second!

Absolutely people feed off their hurts. I know I have in the past. I also think it becomes the identity of some people. The 12 step programme thing brings that to mind. "hello I am Fred & I am an alcoholic". He is defined as one. Do you know what I mean?

I have been a child of divorce, abandoned by my mother, a motherless mother, a victim of family pedophilia, a divorcee, a single mum, a recurrent miscarriager, etc etc. But I can choose if I am defined by these things.

I have identified that I have defined myself as a woman who attracts damaged men. I actually have said it, I have thought it, I believed it. So for me I am working on letting that story drop away!

I actually think that hurt can be a comfort to some. We live in quite a desolate place emotionally many of us without real connections to people. So pain that identifies a group helps to make us feel like we belong. I think that's the danger with definition by pain iykwim?

[Sopdet]

I've been trying really hard over the last year to not feed off my hurt, to take a step away from those things I identified with in the past. To heal my heart and my soul.

One of my biggest things was approval from my father figure, now I've gotten to the point that I know he loves me, he just doesn't have to approve of everything I do. Last night was a big turning point with that, I showed him the latest artwork on my body and he wasn't impressed, but I said to him that it is my way of expressing things in my life, of how I show how I've gotten through things, or things I'm proud of. I think he was surprised by that, because I've spent most of my life trying to please him and I didn't apologise for the artwork. I realised that the energy I spent trying to please the family should have been spent on pleasing myself, know who I was as a person and becoming that person, not being defined by what the family thinks I should be. I don't fit in with a lot of my blood family, never have and probably never will.

I had a reconnection treatment a few weeks ago and things have started to sort themselves out, it is like the hurts of the past are like onion skins and they're peeling away.

[Arcadia]

I love that onion peel image.

Naw, thanks for thinking of me inanna! I so know what you mean by defining ourselves through pain, and in many ways, defining it helps us to rationalize and normalize it, so we can come to a space of healing. I think the journey to healing is so different for everyone and pain or grief from the pain becomes a habit...my family seem to do it a bit!