The co-sleeping has to end ... DH and I need a decent sleep!

[AndiE]

I call DH and I "involuntary co-sleepers" as our 2.5yo DS1 comes into our room and climbs into our bed without us waking. We're not heavy sleepers, so it says something about how quiet and stealthy he is . Our sleeping "arrangement" has been ok till recently, but now DH and I are constantly being woken up and we're starting to feel the pinch, particularly DH as he gets up at 4.30am.

DS1 has been coming into our bed ever since we transitioned him from a cot to a bed, over a year ago. Up until the last 6-8 weeks, it hasn't been a real issue. We've all generally slept well.

But, lately DS1 has been constantly kicking our blankets off, is moving around the bed all the time and seems more restless than normal. But the most irritating thing he's now doing is playing with - and losing - the second dummy that he insists on holding when he goes to sleep (cos apparently one in his mouth isn't enough). He twirls the second dummy around and around in his hands, and then somehow plays some sort of game whereby he puts it within reach of his feet and kicks the dummy down toward the bottom of the bed. Then within a few minutes he starts whingeing for "nummy, where's nummy". The one in his mouth is still there ... but the other MUST be found and put back in his hands before he'll stop moaning and go to sleep.

Poor old DH nearly lost it at 3.30am this morrning after the "nummy" was lost and located three times within an hour. Add this to the squirming, blankets kicked off and us copping DS1's feet in our stomach, back or face, and we've got a co-sleeping situation that's not working too well.

So I need some advice on what to do - how do I get DS1 to happily sleep in his bed all night?? As a bit of background to what's happening now:

- We have a fairly set routine around bedtime so it's all very predictable for DS1

- In past 2 weeks DS1 won't settle easily in his bed at night, for past week either DH or I have ended up returning to his room to lay next to him to get him off to sleep. He'll chatter and/or cry on and off for over an hour after we've turned his light off (he does have a night light). We attribute this behaviour to possibly being caused by my parents returning interstate after being here on and off for over 2 months - he misses them. Hopefully this will resolve itself over the next couple of weeks.

- We shut DS1's door when we turn off his light, and open it again when we go to bed. Sometimes he'll go to sleep behind his door (great visual image, that one!).

- DS1 still has a dummy, and as already mentioned he "demands" to have a second dummy in his hands before he'll settle down.

- We've tried returning him to his own bed during the night, but he returns every time. Record is three returns to his bed, and him back to ours .

I think co-sleeping works fine when everyone sleeps, but it's not so good if two-thirds of the co-sleepers can't sleep!

I don't want to cause DS1 any further sleep issues, but I'm at a loss as to how to tackle this. I asked a similar question about 12 months ago, when it first started and most respondents told me that he'd "grow out of it". Well, it's 12 months on, he's bigger and he's showing no sign of stopping.

Other than finally getting rid of his dummys (only used for sleep), is there a gentle parenting solution? Or, are we just going to have to get tough and keep his door closed?

This has been long-winded, so thanks if you've stuck with me. Any advice would be welcome.

Cheers, Andie

[Arimeh]

Babe I wish I had some advice, but Aricyn will be 4 in January and still does this!! LOL Without the dummy stuff though, and getting rid of the dummy definitely helped with that stuff.

But he still is restless from time to time, kicks us in the groin (although that hurts DH more than me!), kicks us in the head, last night I was headbutted by him - ahh it all leads to crappy sleep.

So no suggestions from me, but we're just going with it, cos its easier than dealing with the screaming banshee son in the middle of the night by taking him back to his own bed.

[AndiE]

Thanks Mel, I think ... I take my hat off to you, cos I can't imagine putting up with DS1's antics for another 18 months. However, I know what you mean about screaming banshees in the middle of the night!

How do you get on with your other children? It's at the back of my mind that our DS2 might want to join the party sometime soon ...

[Arimeh]

DD1 comes into our bed every night for a bottle, but then she's back into her bed, and she's fine with that. Its very rare that she wants in our bed, she likes her own space. And if she is in our bed, god help us if we touch her, omg - talk about a screaming banshee.

DD2 has only been in our bed a handful of times, seems she is the same as her sister.

However - this only started with DS once he went into a big bed at 22 months - so I'm not going to say that DD2 will never do it too.. LOL

I'd seriously stick DS back in a cot if I could.. LOL

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Instead of opening his door are you able to leave it shut? Can he open it himself in the dark?
Is his room warm enough, he might be getting cold and waking and wanting to come find you?
Could you use one of those dummy clips for the 2nd dummy?

DD1 is in a bed and we shut her door completely and don't open it at all, she has no night light or anything but seems to be able to find the door in the dark and let herself out if she needs to.

[boomba]

Sleep deprivation sucks!

We have an open door policy I dont think its good for a baby to be locked in thier room but if you feel its right for you then do it. It must be scry having a door closed on you when you dont quite understand especially if he is struggling with bedtime already? Maybe leave it ajar with a hall light on so he knows where to go?
Is he going through a major change, learning something new, having a growth spurt? Have you thought about maybe bringing his bed into your room and slowly getting him to sleep in the bed all night then moving it into his room? What about starting him in your bed then moving him?
My DS1 has started sleeping in our bed again...some nights he will sleep in his bed...but we make sure he is always welcome into our bed cause I dont want him to be affraid of sleep

Good luck hun I hope you work something outx

[Liz]

Our 2 yr old still comes in, and like your DS is usually stealthy enough for us not to notice until the next morning haha. We've had a rough few nights of her tossing and turning and carrying on at 3am, but we've also been sick with the flu lately so I'm allowing for that for a time.

I was going to suggest putting him back in his bed, but as I read more of your post, realised you have already tried this. Would he sleep on a mattress on the floor in your room?

Maybe it's time to wean him from the dummies. They might be causing him to wake up in the first place as well as the nuisance they're causing you guys.

I don't really have any other suggestions. We're still just going with the flow ourselves at the moment. DS eventually just started sleeping right through in his own bed and climbs in with us in the morning. Still waiting for DD to sleep right through. Maybe I need to take my own advice about the dummy LOL and get rid of it. Who knows.

Hope you can get back to more restful sleep soon!

[AndiE]

Thanks so much for your replies.

Mel - if only I could put DS1 back in a cot I'd do it in a heartbeat. I suspect he might object though

ZF - I think I'd only close DS1's door as a very last option. Although he's 2.5years, he hasn't got the knack of opening the door knob yet (which is ok by us!) . We've actually tried it a couple of times, but both times he's walked straight into the closed door, which (a) scares him and (b) creates a very upset little boy. A dummy clip isn't a bad idea either though I'd prefer to wean him off them rather than enable the behaviour, if that makes sense.

Boomba - DS1 isn't going though anything that I'm aware of, but he's had his grandparents nearby for the last couple of months, and they returned home interstate two weeks ago. We think this is why he's looking for reassurance when he first goes to bed, moreso than coming into us during the night, which I think he now does purely out of habit. He thinks it's perfectly normal to come and sleep with mum and dad . I like your idea about getting a mattress into our room for him. And no, like you, I don't want to make sleeping on his own a scary thing so I'm super reluctant to take a hard line about the co-sleeping. If only he'd sleep without causing us the dramas! Sigh ...

Liz - Yep, think the fairy dummy might have to make an appearance soon

We'll see how we go tonight.. I might even crawl into DS1's king single and sleep with him so DH can get a good night's sleep. He can return the favour later in the week!

Hmmm, thank goodness DS2 sleeps through the night!

[boomba]

We'll see how we go tonight.. I might even crawl into DS1's king single and sleep with him so DH can get a good night's sleep. He can return the favour later in the week!

Good idea it will reassure him that your near. SLow and gentle is better than trying for a quick fix even though it may cause more sleepless nights Hope you work out a way that works hun and once you do send some sleepy vibes my way xx

[onthefly]

Yeah, maybe sleeping with him in his bed might be worth a try...? At least you can take it in turns getting some sleep. Or the mattress on the floor.
DS rarely cosleeps now, but he is a terrible bed hog and very fidgetty, so I feel your pain. But, he's great in his own bed if we find ourselves squeezed in there helping him get back to sleep - he's learned the hard way that if he rolls around too much he'll fall out!
We have to close the doors as the cat will take up residence on the bed and DS hates that. But he doesn't get out of bed in the night anyway, just yells for us till mum or dad turns up. Anyway, when he does come into bed with me DH sleeps in DS' bed

It sounds like the dummies are also becoming more trouble than their worth. Good luck with everything!

[Traveller]

We are having similar problems, with at least one fo the kids climbing in with us each night. It doesn't help that DH loves co-sleeping. I have gotton to the point that when a child climbs into my bed, I climb out and sleep in theit single bed instead. This way everyone is happy.