Can't shake that old feeling................

[Nicole S]

Well I've been lurking more on BB atm than posting but really need to get this out somewhere where I hopefully don't offend anyone.

We have a 16.5 month old baby boy who is the apple of our eye. After 3.5 years of LTTTC and AC success...which do this day shocks me!!

We have been dealing with medical issues since he was 6 weeks old.
He had an emergency hernia operation at 6 weeks where we spent quite a few days on hospital. It was the WORST time of my life
We have also been following Aaron HC growth since 8 weeks as there was thought that he may have hydrocephalus. Then was talk that he may have a rare genetic disorder called GA1 which was ruled out on his 1st Birthday....GREAT GIFT!!
They have also done further genetic testing done on DH and I as our DS has a duplication in one of his chromosome (which should also be given the all clear if either DH and I have this which I am praying for)

Ahhh what am I trying to say.....I am thankful for IVF for this special little man and I know life would never be the same without him but with all the BS we were dealing with in making a baby why can't it just be smooth sailing.
Please don’t get me wrong I have a healthy little man but the thought of TTC #2 scares the crap out of me.
Lucky my DH is dead set against trying IVF again and if DS is the only child we have so be it.

Recently that old feeling keeps coming back to me. During the time we were TTC with and without IVF my SIL was PG.
I can't tell you how it makes me feel now that she is PG again. Why does it still hurt sooo much, why does she get to be PG AGAIN!! Anyone else I can sort of handle but this just hurts too much.
I have come to believe that it's not soo much the baby at the end of it it's the pregnancy side of things. Some days I forget what special time it was for my DH and I.
I am happy we have our DS but not ever being PG again is such a sad thought.
We waited sooo long for a baby and AC added stress then being PG had its own stress, not really enjoying every moment of it but just wanting it over with and a healthy baby like all mothers.

Ohh I really hope I haven’t offend anyone and have no idea what I have written makes any sense but I just needed to get it out.

I have said it before and I say it again but I would truly give up my place (if there was one) for one of the other LTTTC ladies to be a mother and I hope I don’t come across as ungrateful for my DS.

Thanks for listening

[onthefly]

It's ok to feel this way and it doesnt' make you at all ungrateful for what you have.
You have your baby, you love and cherish him, but that doesn't mean you have to love all the crap it took to bring him here. Leaving aside all the TTC & AC stuff, there isn't a mother around who didn't dislike some part of the proces - morning sickness or the birth or whatever - but that doesn't tarnish her love for her child.
And with medical problems for you and your boy, of course you're anxious about the thought of doing it again Doesn't necessarily mean you don't want another baby, it just means you don't want to deal with that stuff again.

[barney]

yes it is ok to feel this way hun and i DONT believe you sound ungratefull at all,we all have different feelings hun and youve done the rite thing by spilling your guts no matter what happens i wish you all the very best hun and im always thinking of you.keep that beautiful head of yours held high and know your a wonderful mumma.
xoxosmithy.

[lise]

I second what marcellus and smithy said. Once a LTTTCer always a LTTTCer. The pain doesn't disappear when the baby makes an appearance, those feelings follow us everywhere. Glad you were able to vent and share, hope it helped ease the emotions a little xx

[Nicole S]

Thanks so much for understanding and letting me vent a bit
Lise, it is very true what you said

Once a LTTTCer always a LTTTCer

and am starting to think that there is nothing wrong with this feeling as it will always be a BIG part in our lives.
xx

[Possums]

Nic, I'm late replying to this, but I wanted you to know that from a LTTTCers perspective, you don't sound ungrateful...your feelings seem normal! so don't feel bad...and look forward to happy times in the future, accept the things that have happened, and accept how you feel about them as totally understandable and ok x

[Nicole S]

Thanks hun for understanding
I think that LTTTC is one of those things that stick with you for life, which I am starting to think is not so bad and can really make you appreciate what you do have.
xx

[Possums]

I think you are right, and it's useful for me to hear your perspective and to probably get a handle on that now too...rather than expecting some of this baggage to suddenly disappear whenever it is i am lucky enough to have a baby...i realise now, some of it will always be part of me now