Not sure whether I should say anything or let it go..

[blessedatlast]

I have been thinking about this for the last 10 or so days and it is annoying me.. My Dad didn't acknowledge the boys birthday. I have spoken to him since then, and there was no mention of it until I told him I didn't go to placement and he asked why to which I replied "Well I'm not feeling great emotionally, it's a hard time of year with the boys b'day and anniversary" All he said was "Oh well, chin up" I realise dad may not know what to say and we aren't that close but they were still his grand kids.. He met them and saw them alive!!! And I just want to know why he wouldn't have acknowledged it.. Not even a text to say he was thinking about them.. I'm in 2 minds what to do. I feel like letting him know it upset me, but I mainly want to know WHY he didn't acknowledge it. Did he forget? Or did he just not know what to say.. I might see if he acknowledges their anniversary and if he doesn't I think I will give him a call.. I just hate having to fight to have my kids acknowledged.. That's all I want. My biggest fear is that life goes on as if they didn't exist..

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

I would mention it, just nicely. I reckon your Dad didn't mean to upset you, it's probably not something he's dealt with before and he didn't know what to do. Just telling him and everyone that you're afraid your boys will be forgotten should hopefully be enough for them to make the effort. It could be that they didn't want to remind you, and bring up the pain y'know?

[CinderToriella]

I think if you are struggling with this then you should mention it,get it out in the open so you can find out his feelings as well, he may not know how to be open about it or what to do or say,he may need you to bring it up, .good luck sweetie x

[blessedatlast]

Thanks girls.. The thing is, I think he should know.. For their birthday last year I sent a letter to people so people would KNOW it's ok to acknowledge it. Thats why I'm scared he actually forgot it was their birthday..

[sloane]

i think definitely good to gently let him know how you feel. if you don't, it will probably still be in the back of your mind & then the next time anything happens with your dad, it'll be a bigger deal cos you still have something unresolved (hope that makes sense).

i'm guessing that maybe he didn't know how to deal with it? maybe he thinks that his way makes it easier for you? (even though it doesn't). but if he did forget, then it's good that you let him know that it upsets you & you don't want anyone to forget taite & seth. take hold of it now before he keeps going in the same way.

[Maruschke]

Thanks girls.. The thing is, I think he should know.. For their birthday last year I sent a letter to people so people would KNOW it's ok to acknowledge it. Thats why I'm scared he actually forgot it was their birthday..

I think the letter was a great idea. Because for those of us on the outside looking in, it is sometimes very awkward, not knowing whether bringing it up would cause more pain or less. Sorry to hear your Dad didn't celebrate their birthdays. But just a thought, please don't shoot me! As someone who has never gone through this, I kinda thought the first anniversary might be celebrated differently to all the rest, or that there might be a celebration for the first and not for the others. This is just my ignorance coming out, having not experienced it myself, I wonder if your Dad might have the same confusion?

I hope I haven't caused hurt saying this, just wondering ifthat could have contributed?


I hope he gets the message and starts celebrating with you every year.

[blessedatlast]

The first birthday/anniversary is a massive milestone, that's true.. It means you have survived a year and gone through all the difficult times for the 1st time, xmas, mothers day etc. Same if the baby lives. 1st birthday is a huge milestone, but it doesn't mean you forget the others.. To me Taite and Seth's birthday is a HUGE deal.. Maybe more so because I don't have other kids, or because they were my 1st born, but even though they died Their birthday is a celebration because it is the day I became a mother... I will never forget that, and my family realise this.. My Mum did a balloon release and I think she will forever, same with me.. My Grandmother doesn't do anything, but she let me know she was thinking about them and me..

The thing with Dad is, it hurts to think he may have forgotten his grandkids birthday. If they were here I'd be ropable as well.. But yeah, maybe he just wasn't sure what to say.. Maybe I'm making too much of it..

ETA: TBH I would rather Taite and Seth's birthday be acknowledged than their anniversary.. I would like family to acknowledge both dates, but I would rather remember their birthday as the best day of my life and if I could block out their anniversary of their death I would.. It was a horrible heartbreaking day Not a day I deal with well..

[Just Me]

Blessed. I would tell him how you are feeling. It is not going to get better over the years and I think you will continue to want to remember your precious boys on their birthday for the rest of your life. If you don't talk to him about it now and tell him what you want him to do (because he may not have any idea), I think it is just going to be a painful part of every year for you.

My best friend lost twins a few years ago and every year on their birthday I send her a bunch of pink and white flowers (she had baby girls). I figure that if they were here, I would buy them a birthday present every year so sending flowers on their birthday is because I can't buy them a gift. I find it very theraupeudic for me as well - maybe you could suggest something like that to your dad. He might just need a practical way that he can remember your boys ... men are often more doers. They find the emotional stuff tough so if he has practical suggestions, it might be helpful for him.

And off the topic slightly but I loathe that expression 'Chin up.' To me it sounds like 'suck it up and get on with it'. I don't think it is at all helpful at all in times like this. It is okay to feel the way you are. He probably just said it because he doesn't know what else to say but it doesn't really acknowledge how you are feeling

[Fleur]

I think you need to say something. For his sake, because if he doesn't realise that his actions have hurt you, then he should know. And for yours, because as JM said, you will be celebrating their birthdays for the rest of your life.
If you can't get the words out on the phone can you write it down? Even if you don't send it, it might make it easier to say to him IYKWIM.

And huge hugs honey

I just hate having to fight to have my kids acknowledged.. That's all I want. My biggest fear is that life goes on as if they didn't exist..

You and your boys have touched far too many hearts for this to happen

[peanutter]

I'd be really clear about the fact that you want him to remember and mention it ...

I obviously don't know your family, but I know with my family sometimes you need to really spell things out! My MIL forgot 3 of *my* last 4 birthdays!

And after my grandparents passed away, dad used to rush around making sure my siblings and I remembered to acknowledge their passing to my mum (an only child, now with both her parents departed)... I now put it in my diary every year, to make sure I don't forget :blush:

With my siblings who don't acknowledge it, I think for one, he has moved on, and has his memories and is happy with those ... the other just genuinely forgets, and only makes an effort for my mother's sake ... for him, the date isn't important ... but for mum it is, so he tries ...

not sure if any of that helps ... it's a very loving family, just made up of very different people who place importance on different things...

I hope you're ok at this tough time of year though, and I hope that the memory of your angels stays strong and clear.

[LionsandBears]

Blessed - could it have been just that normally male thing of forgetting birthdays? I don't know, we haven't dealt with birthdays yet, but I know that some people will never forget our baby, but may not tell us that. The "chin up" may have been because he doesn't know what else to say, but I agree it's offensive.

I think he needs to know how important it is for you to have your family acknowledge your sons' birthday and support you during these times.

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time atm. I know nothing takes away the pain, but I hope you have a shoulder to lean on when you need it. You can always PM/call me.

[Jas]

I would say something, nicely though. I would say he doesn't know how to handle it. Also just wondering how old your dad is? Because with older generations often miscarriages and still births, and passing of babies and children was something that was really taboo and basically not something people would talk about or acknowldege.

I believe this is far from right but back not too many years that was how it was so maybe your dad just doesn't realise that Taite and Seth's birthday is something that can be acknowldeged? Maybe you could just tell him you want to remember and celebrate their lives and tell him how you want him to be a part of this.

[Maruschke]

No I don't think you are making too much of this. I don't think he is making enough of this. ITMS. Hugs . As a family member I would probably like to be told I had missed the mark that much.

hugs again.

[blessedatlast]

*Update*

Well, the bubs angelversary came and went without any acknowledgement from my father.. BUT then a couple of days later I got a xmas card with a hundred dollar voucher, so I didn't feel I could really ring him and say how upset I was with him.. Funny thing too, the card had a picture of a beautiful smiling baby with a santa hat on.. So.. My thinking is 'Gee thanks Dad for reminding me of another xmas without a baby' His thinking would have been 'Well, she loves babies and she will think this is cute' What do you do? He just doesn't GET IT!!!!!!

[LionsandBears]

*sigh* I think he really doesn't get it. I get the feeling he's trying in his own way but just has no idea. I'm so sorry you have to deal with it. Maybe approach him in the New Year about it. I imagine it's not deliberate.

[Tegam]

I would do what feels right to you. Its about you and its important to you! You should not out other peoples feelings in front of your own! Your boys will never be forgotten!