How do you deal with this?

[NaeNae]

I have a question for all the lovely BB ladies out there.

In brief DD has a cousin who is 3 months younger. Baby B is a bit of a boof. She is a really well rounded baby who has quite a bit of strength behind her. She is moving around a lot more than DD and is really quite rough ... not deliberately rough she just doesn't know her own strength She smacks and bites you know the normal baby stuff but MIL and SIl do not pull her up on that behaviour.
When Baby B gets rough and upsets DD I move DD out of Baby B's reach which is now getting more difficult and she is practically walking.
MIL and SIL always tell DD to "hit her back", I tend to ignore them and just move DD.

BUT DD is starting to understand a lot more now, I don't accept rough play i.e smacking and biting others as being ok. I cannot seem to get through to MIL or SIL on other issues so I am wondering how others have handled situations where the OP is telling your child one thing that you feel is totally unacceptable?

If I was to say anything I am sure there would be snide remarks, scowls but I have tried to encourage DD to be gentle whenshe is with other kids/animals ... they seem to encourage rough play and a "get into it" attitude.

I know I am probably being a little precious but I don't want DD growing up thinking that violence is ok. I know there will be sibling spats when we have another kidlet but I hate they are encouraging thuggory! (if that is a word)

Sorry for the waffle seems all I do lately is grumble, DD is really grasping different things her level of understanding and fine motor skills really out weigh her physical development ATM.

How do others deal with a conflict of rules when it comes to family and your parenting practices?

Nae x

[Just Me]

My nephew (who is 3 months older than DD2) is the same. He pushes, hits, bites etc my DD2 everytime we see them. My brother and SIL either do nothing or completely overreact and smack him so I don't like involving them.

I deal with it by sitting on the floor with DD2 whenever he is around and if he comes over, I try to include him in the games we play which does help ... he is ignored a lot at family things. When he is rough and it is not reasonable, I usually just redirect him and say 'Gentle touches only' and demonstrate what I mean by gently stroking his hand. I do that a couple of times and try to distract him (give him a toy to play with or sing a song with him) and if he continues to do it after a little while, I usually pick up DD2 and put her on my lap and sing a song or something with her and try again in a few minutes. It just breaks the behaviour cycle for my nephew - once he starts hitting sometimes it just keeps going so we move away and give him a break and then come back and try again.

Nae, you are not being precious at all. It is hard to see your baby get hurt by another baby when no-one ever says anything. While they are little, they can still hurt each other and it is normal to want to protect your own baby. I think if you ever have to redirect someone else's child in those circumstances, it is always good to keep it positive. Don't look like you are coming down on them, just tell them gently what behaviour you expect and give them lots of appreciation when they do it - 'That was a lovely gentle touch. Thank-you.' It's a lot harder to fault someone when they are being positive with your child (though it may still happen).

Good luck with your SIL and her baby. I hope you can find something that works for you

[Traveller]

With members of someone else's family I would be honest with the adults in the situation and say I didn't like what was happening, and why. When it comes to your own children I personally find a "let them get on with it" attitude decreases the amount of bickering in the long term. Siblings often fight (in my experience of my own childhood and own children) to get attention to ignoring it works best. But if another baby was hitting mine I would remove my child from the situation and if that was not possible, tell the other parents that you do not accept the behaviour and why.

[luna moth]

When Cousin hits, say to her "hitting is not OK" or "hitting hurts DD." Things along those lines - say it firmly, then swiftly move on to a fun distraction for her, like "now, let's see if we can find that pig/rattle/shaker/whatever"

See how that goes. That way they both get the same message, and you're attacking the problem, not MIL/SIL's opinions.