Byron Katie on Death and Grieving

[BellyBelly]

Hey all

I'm in the process of finding ways to help you all deal with the vast grief that we've all been through the last few weeks. What will help one may not help others, here is the way Byron Katie helps people move through grief. I'm also organising a live chat with a very experienced grief counsellor also, so hopefully you all are able to find some help in either of those things. I know some find BK's approach to be blunt or harsh... but what really appeals to me is her work in how when we believe our thoughts, that is when we suffer. Grief is okay, I am not saying not to grieve. But healing is all part of the process too. As Byron Katie says, death has a terrible reputation. Arming yourself with some tools for grief can be such a blessing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viIv-LlBRyk

Also:

The Work being used to question our beliefs about death

[AnyDream]

Kelly, thank you. I am reminded of a quote I saw yesterday, "Grief is a process, not a state." (Anne Grant)

[diannescruffy]

Thank you so much Kelly .

Regards,
Dianne

[mrsmac]

Sad that this is so needed atm but lovely of you to provide Kelly.

[~Kaz~]

I'm not sure how I feel about what she is saying. I need to think about it I guess. I do kind of get what she means - thoughts are definitely very powerful but I'm not convinced her approach can be appropriately applied to the situation she refers to with the man in prison for killing his wife. Some of her comments there seem really contradictory and she seems to ignore the fact that he killed her. I think that grief has a vastly different quality when it comes from the direct actions of a person who causes the situation (such as a person who commits a crime) compared to a random, tragic, nobodies fault situation.

I hope that makes sense. If anyone can explain what she is talking about at the end there with the prison inmate I would really appreciate it.

ETA: I'm not trying to be antagonistic or stir people up at this time. I have been thinking a lot about the nature of grief lately, starting late last year and I am just genuinely trying to understand her approach as she has explained it.

[Inanna]

Great videos Kelly thankyou for putting them up. I love Byron's "The Work" & use it daily in my own life. But I can appreciate how for some it can seem confronting.
Kaz I will try & explain what I believe she is saying. You probably watched both clips & you will see she speaks a lot about arguing with reality & also accpeting the cycle of life.

That many in our society are afraid of death because we need to be in control essentially (my words not hers). Birth & death happen & human's usually have to work very hard not to be afraid of the unknown. Many are afraid of life, where I will live, what will I do for money, what did that person mean, was he having a "go" at me? all of these little things can add up to a fear of life.
The same for death. We actually do not know where we go or what we do - if anything at all. So again it's the fear of the unknown. Just like in life.

So when we let go of the need to argue with reality. We live in acceptance. We live in what is. The more you live your life without fighting against what is the more acceptance & peace (& I believe happiness) will come to us.

So back to death. We all celebrate birth - wonderful its easy because this little perfect miracle has their whole world ahead of them. Prospects, vision etc etc. That's really a projection of what we want also.

But death requires trust and belief to embrace it. She also mentions that grief is like a tantrum. Well it can be & it often is for many. It's the reason they can treat others badly, perhaps the reason or excuse we tell our selves for crying, feeling low etc etc. It's kind of a free rein - I'm grieving so therefore it's okay I do this...

But it does depend how you look at death. If you believe that the Universe works in perfect balance & it is absolutely perfect what happened - it's hard to be really bucketed by grief. Yes, their is missing the other - but it's selfish it's for me. I for example miss Lulu's posts - but that's selfish of me! Because she died at what was (if you subscribe to this thought process/belief system) the perfect time for her. The perfect time for her children. The perfect timne for all of us.
How we process that is what's important. It is what it is. She has passed over. It was perfectly timed.
If we fight against that reality we only become unhappy, grief stricken (which I think is different to feeling sad).
Of course not everyone can apply this - and I would suggest that if this is the first time you've come in contact with the work it may be confronting with relation to death.

But basically it's seeing all that we experience as a gift. Even the really icky stuff. Through the work I personally was able to thank (not in person but feel grateful) to my exhusband, to my uncle whom was incestuous & many other situations.
Because it's just truth. It is.

As for the man in jail - I believe Byron was saying: he killed his wife because of a thought or belief that she didn't love him - but it was the hate and anger in himself that he projected on to her. He killed his wife. That is reality - but the reasons were his thoughts.

I am always totally shocked now days when people say: "I know he was meaning me or I know he said I looked gorgeous but he didn't really mean it"... Why? Isn't it less painful to just accept what is? But when there is projection it's very difficult. Projection is something we all do & it really needs to be looked at if we are to live peacefully & with what is.

[RainbowBrite]

I am only new here but I am so sorry for all the grief your little community is experiencing at the moment.

Her concept is very interesting it does invoke a lot of thought.
My XDH commited suicide 4 months ago and left our four children fatherless.
There has been and still is a lot of grief and anger....he was a good father and we were friends.
Looking at it from the angle he was meant to die...it was his perfect time to die is hard but maybe in some way it will have a positive effect on mine and the children's lives.
Definitely gives food to thought...hard to accept though.

[Inanna]

Rainbow I am sorry for your pain.

I really can see that this way of thinking may be really hard or confronting at first.