am I a weak Mum?

[megb]

I don't even know how to start this. I think it's more of a vent than anything.

I have a great life, I am a stay at home Mum and DP earns good money. He's helpful around the house, with the kids, makes me laugh and goes to work every day for us to live a comfortable, awesome life.

But there's one problem. I am finding it a little difficult dealing with a 3 and 1 year old. They've started to fight. My 1 year old DS gets jealous when my 3 year old DD comes near me and they both grab at me. They do play nicely some of the time but sometimes she takes things from him and he ends up screaming and in tears. He's crawling, not yet walking. My DD is a really good child and when we go out, she's really well behaved. I just think she gets bored at home. But going out with two can prove quite difficult sometimes.

I've put DD into kindy 3 x days a week. First it was 2 x days a week then she started telling me she wanted to go every day. But I could honestly only afford one more day. Plus I love her so much and love my time with her. She is there from about 9am-3pm for those 3 x days and loves it. She comes home and tells me what a wonderful day she has had. Then the fights start (not even sure you'd call it a fight really) with both kids around dinner time, he gets stroppy, she gets whingey and all hell breaks loose.

Some days, even when DD is at kindy, DS will whinge all day and want to be carried everywhere. So by the end of the day, I'm beat and DP comes home, asks how my day has been and I have been known to whinge and whine and be totally negative. What an awesome thing to come home to!

Yesterday, I suggested we go to the shops and DD just said "no Mummy, I don't want to go" and kept repeating it, over and over and over. I snapped. All morning it was one thing after the other and I charged toward her and said in her face, "you are coming shopping with Mummy today" - she cried and was terrified of me because I was angry at her. I felt horrible afterward. I can't believe how angry I felt at her and how scared she was of my big eyes being angry at her. I feel like a SH*T Mum to be honest.

I know for a fact I love my kids more than life itself. I'm not angry every day, not at all. But I do know the smallest things get to me and it feels like it all just builds, builds and then I crack and lash out at DD.

Today, I was more conscious of everything with her, talked calmly to her and actually did activities together. I made a big effort to take her away from the situation with my DS if they started a bit of a fight. I went and said "let Bub do what he's doing (because she wants every toy he plays with, even though she has plenty of other toys) and you can help Mummy take the washing out of the dryer" - she was really happy with that. I even drew her a picture and put it on the fridge. She didn't seem interested in it actually but watched me draw it secretly when she was playing with something else.

I dunno. Some days I feel so detached from it all and the anger is something my Dad had. I was scared of my Dad when I was little. I have a temper, I won't lie. I would never physically hurt my kids. I put DD in time out if anything. But I'm afraid, at the young age of 3, she will remember this anger and frustration in me. What sort of person am I setting her up to become when I get this way?

Is it just really hard with a 3 and 1 year old? Am I weak not being able to deal with them both sometimes?

Thanks for listening if you got this far

[Rach75]

man oh man I could have written this post except mine are 4yrs and 16mths ...Jack goes to kindy 3 days one week 2 days the next...

so all I can offer is many many

[misty]

Yes, It is really hard with a 3yr old and a 1yr old.
It is about 6times harder then just dealing with one kid alone - and toddlers and young children are a challenge even individually. It is at least twice as hard as dealing with two kids with a bigger age gap.

It does get better. Some days will be better then others. Some days will be worse. You are not weak, you are human.

[boomba]

Big hugs! I am at this stage too...but I have a 3 and a 16mth old Its tough and I am searching desperately for the light at the end of the tunnel. Hope we find it x

[Party-of-five]

another one in your boat
you are not weak at all its bloody hard work!
dont be so hard on yourself

[MrsBexie]

You are a great mum. Yes occasionally we can lose it, no one is perfect... BUT the next day you showed how much you loved her and how much you are an awesome mum because you conciously made the effort to rebuild with her!!

You are doing amazing

[Gigi]

sounds all very normal. i think you've had a rough day and are doubting yourself.

i've met mums of large families, who actually MAKE the dinner meal IN THE MORNING, when all is calmer - so that in the early evening, when all in NOT calm, they can concentrate on the kids, instead of worrying about making the dinner, sounded like a good solution. They don't get EVERYTHING done for the meal, at 10am, but a large percentage of it. like all the preparation, washing, peeling, chopping up, getting something in the slow cooker for the night meal.

looking back on when my child was younger (and we lived with her dad), i remember being anal about us all "eating as a family" - and looking back, she got hungry around 5pm, and her dad wasn't really wanting to eat until closer to 7. So MAKING her wait, just so we could all eat together - looking back on it now, that did cause stress on all of us. i dunno, at the time, i thought us eating together, was the most important thing. Now (she is a poor eater), i'm wondering whether i should have just given her dinner at 5pm and accepted her dad ate late.

End of the day, seems to the most popular time for kids to have melt downs. they're tired, they're hungry, they're grouchy.

for my child, the solution (at that age) was for me to take the (at the time, scary) step of turning off the tv. I used to have the early evening news on, while i was cooking, thinking it was keeping me in touch with adult world etc, but when i stopped doing this, she calmed down. i only did it as a result of a parenting course i attended, when i was literally screaming at her each evening, things were so bad. The course encouraged us parents to get down on the floor, at THEIR eye level, and play with our toddler for at least 10 mins a day. As early evenings were our worst time, i tried to do teh 10 mins then. Ten mins sounds like nothing, but at the time, i felt so inadequate, i was forever saying to her, "i'll just go and do X, be back soon", - and all those things really added up. Plus they made me so tired that when i WAS with her, i felt too tired to really play with her.

i've only had one child to deal with, so i can't offer any ideas on dealing with two. except to say i admire you for waht you're doing.

Has your dh ever spent a day BY HIMSELF looking after both kids?
Parenting is the only job, where at the END of your day, you don't actually finish, you just have to keep going.
Talk to your dh about your guilt, that you're not all "happy happy" when he gets home. You're doing your level best. and you don't have to be Perfect Mum and Perfect Wife.

Your children are at different developmental stages, it must be a huge juggle to keep both happy at same time.

i hope the responses to your thread, normalises your experience. Perfect mums only exist in glossy mags - and moviestars with nannies!

[Esme]

I have a three year old and a 10 month old too; it is really hard work and more often than not DH gets to hear all the negatives too when he comes home. But I do find that if I get out of the house with both boys (mostly after lunch as DS2 has two naps) say to the park or just doing some errands in town, it breaks up the day. This way DS1 gets some much needed exercise, DS2 is happy in the pram looking at everything around him and I get some exercise and fresh air too. By the time we get home DS2 is ready for a nap and DS1 watches some telly so I can relax and have some me-time. It makes us all happier at the end of the day, so I try to make an effort to get out of the house when I feel things are getting on top of me. HTH

[Doing my best]

I understand everything you said.. I am there myself quite a lot lately..

I just keep plodding away.. No advice, but it seems like it is common.

[onthefly]

Goodness no! I think a bit part of the problem is that we expect to cope all alone. But things don't really work so well that way.
Do you get time out for yourself at all? It's really important - even just a few hours for to get your hair done, or coffee with friends or whatever helps you.

[Snacks]

Just what others have said. I am a yeller too, I'm afraid
I totally agree that time to yourself (even just a little every now and again) refreshes you and keeps you a little more positive.
And I know that getting out and about with two can be hard... But there are some great playgrounds and change of scenes out there to be found! Your kids may not fight as much if you mix things up a bit. I know that if we go to a playground (it's somewhere that DD1 will always be happy to go, she has flat out refused to go to the shops before, even called my bluff when I said DD2 and I would go without her! She said, 'ok, I'll just stay here'. LOL!) then they are so tired and worn out when we get home DD2 sleeps beautifully and DD1 and I can do some craft or something fun and that keeps her happy for the rest of the day, even through the witching hour.
This of course doesn't happen every day. These are the good days. You are doing such a fab job being a SAHM and raising your great kids. Don't beat yourself up too much. We all understand how tough the parenting gig can be.

[Yeddi]

sounds all very normal. i think you've had a rough day and are doubting yourself.

i've met mums of large families, who actually MAKE the dinner meal IN THE MORNING, when all is calmer - so that in the early evening, when all in NOT calm, they can concentrate on the kids, instead of worrying about making the dinner

You don't have to be a large family, LOL. Thank God it's almost winter and slow cookers!


megB - it sounds like you are on the right track with DD doing the time ins (aka getting her to do jobs with you). Perhaps to solve the toy issue you can find a similar alternative. If my daughter wants to take a toy off her brother she MUST exchange. She is not to leave him empty handed, and she has to make sure he is happy with the exchange first, which she usually gets out of him by showing him how to use the toy (in other words she plays together with him) before handing it over. I've noticed that unless it is a special toy (i.e. birthday present) she can't be bothered going through with the exchange and just lets him play with it without interruption. I do think it is important though that not all toys are shared toys, we as adults don't share everything, there are things we keep to ourselves and I think that should also apply to kids. In our house, there a toys that are his, toys that are hers, and shared toys. She still must exchange if he has gotten hold of one of HER toys, but sometimes she eyes off one of HIS toys with pretty funny consequences. She has no issue exchanging a shared toy for a shared toy, but she will not exchange a his toy for a her toy. She tried it once and the look on her face when he had one of HER toys was hilarious. She quickly swapped his toy back.

[Gigi]

Yeddi, i NEED to make the dinner at 10am too (mother of ONE!!!!), to avoid the dinner time meltdowns (gimme sumping wot i love) but i am too incompetent to even manage a slow cooker meal for two. Instead, we have the "OMG what do i give her to eat"? EVERY night. I'm so pathetic, tonight she told me "i'm having fairy dinner tonight, cheese and chutney sandwiches" (her standby lunch time - something she actually will eat) - and i just gave in immed - as it meant i didn't have to cook something, she didn't end up eating - and in the high temps, high humidity, i coudln't be stuffed heating up the hot kitchen with food that would just end up in the bin anyhoo.

another thread tonight, that mirrors this one SO CLOSELY. ANother fed up mum who is tired of having to do EVERYTHING. if i had a dollar for every one of these threads, i'd be so rich! it's so common, it's not funny.

not sure if that makes you feel any better Meg, but it's true.

[Yeddi]

I'm so pathetic, tonight she told me "i'm having fairy dinner tonight, cheese and chutney sandwiches" (her standby lunch time - something she actually will eat) - and i just gave in immed

You are NOT pathetic Gigi, because if you are we all are. I don't think I know of one mum that hasn't had a weet bix (or similar) dinner night phase at one some point or another. At the moment cooking in the morning is not an option for me either, I have to. My DS is practicing being a fire engine siren when he grows up, as in he spends all day doing this high pitched squeal that cuts right through and is SO loud. Problem is, it's his happy noise, so what am I mean to do about THAT! I don't want him to be unhappy, so I have to deal, and have a horrid headache by the time it reaches 4pm, at that time I just want to hand him over to DH and lie down for a few minutes, not cook dinner.

[Gigi]

Yeddi, sometimes it feels like most parents cook "the evening meal from scratch" - like the SAHM thread i read this afternoon. I can't get her to eat, even if i DO make a meal from scratch, which is extremely rare at the moment anyhoo. So to give her a sandwich (most nights it's supermarket mini quiche, ravioli with pasta sauce from a jar, cold roast chicken with salad), when most mums are giving "meal from scratch" - yes, i am feeling very guilty and wanting. i know about the benefits of making from scratch (to avoid chemical nasties from the supermarket boxes/frozen stuff). i'm so worn down from cooking for her for last three years, and the constant "i don't want that".

[Yeddi]

Hmmm... I could be wrong but I doubt that they all make the meals from complete scratch, as in they make the sauce, or even cut up all the veg fresh. They are most probably just are thinking "cooking" as opposed to take out or completely pre-made meals, and I'm sure quite a few of them would use the odd packet of frozen veg, or pre-made sauce that they have to just stir through their cooked dried pasta. I know when I answered, I considered the nights where I use the jar of Korma sauce as still cooking a meal and didn't get caught up in the semantics of what someone else may have considered "from scratch" because I considered myself still in control of the meal and that it still required preparation (as I would still have to cut up the chicken and the veg, and put on rice etc.). Don't be so hard on yourself.

[~StarBright~]

You are not weak, you are human.

^ Yeah that!!!!! ^

I am not there yet with my two- but its coming, DS is nearly three and DD is nearly 1, and he already sits on her and will often hurt her "accidently" (very much on purpose)

I think its good that your aware of how you feel, and its good that your thinking about how your reactions are effecting the kids, thats good, but i really dont think you have too much to be worried about. We all have bad days that turn into horrible weeks!! But then they change, they learn something and things brighten up!! And its ok to complain to your DH too, if you dont tell him how your feeling he wont understand why your a bit sad or frustrated a bit more easily. I often send DH a text message that just says "kids feral today, save me asap" he cant leave work early, but it kind of gives him a slight heads up to what to expect when he walks in the door!

Must go now!! BIg

[Deedles]

I feel exactly the same!!! You are an awesome mummy.
I find it hard every day and it is a challenge to be happy and stay happy for the boys. xxx