How far would you take this? Advice please.

[~Jayne~]

Hi Ladies,

I need some advice......... I'm a bit gobsmacked & I'm really trying to bite my tongue just for tonight until I can decide what to do - or how far to take this.

Just a brief overview. We live overseas in China. My children attend an International School - an American one to be exact.

Jessica (6) has settled into class beautifully. She honestly has. Her teachers are wonderful, she is learning stuff in her class that just blows me out the water, she came to the school unable to read, she is now a Level 3 reader. I'm so impressed with the school I really am.

Issue is, there is a kid in her class who has been her 'best friend' from the beginning. He helped her settle in & up until now has really been the only kid she has played with. Now she has been at the school 6 months, she has really found herself & is now branching out & playing with the other kids in the class. This is a big step for Jess, usually she just sticks to one or two 'special' friends.

The thing is, her first friend, is none too pleased about her sudden desire to branch out with her friendships. Last week the teacher pulled me aside & told me that his particular kid has been shoving Jess & pushing her & giving her little 'taps' on the back. She said whilst they are not violent & don't hurt Jess, she isn't impressed with his behaviour & has spoken to Jess & told her she isn't to tolerate this from him. Fair enough - I was really happy to hear she had addressed the issue.

So today, I pick Jess up from school & the minute she sees me she is absolutely distraught. Like I can't get any sense out of her, she is almost hyperventilating. Couldn't get any words out of her. An older girl came & told me that this particular kid pulled Jess' pants down at PE today.

I am fuming, yes, but more gutted. Jess is absolutely mortified. She is 6, she is innocent & doesn't realise any other innuendo that could come from having her pants pulled down. She is embarrassed, she is telling me she never wants to go to school again. I went straight to her teacher who came & spoke with Jessica & told her that this boy is in big trouble tomorrow & we don't do things like this to each other & she is NOT going to get into trouble, etc...

Tomorrow I'm going to the Principal (I'm sure he'll come find me actually), but my question is............ How far should I take this? Do you think I should ask for her to be moved to another class? Jess should actually be in Year 1, but is in Kindergarten here, purely because the International Curriculum is so much tougher than Australia. She is doing work that the Year 2's do in Aus. Do you think I should ask her to be bumped up to Year 1? I just want some distance between them, you know?

Jess is saying she never wants to see this boy again, never wants to go to school there again, all the rest of it. Where just last weekend she told me how much she loves school in China & doesn't want to go back to Aus

I'm just gutted, I really am. How dare this kid make my little girl feel like this.

[Junglemum]

Wow, your poor baby. that is horrible. If you think she could easily handle the next grade up both socially and intellectually then I think that is certainly an option to consider.
Good that the school are dealing with it though. Big hug to you both. X

[blessedatlast]

I don't have any advice, but big hugs for you and your daughter Hope it gets resolved and this little boy isn't mean to her anymore.. How traumatic for her

[kimmi]

That's really tough.... My first inclination would be to wait and see how the other child is handled by the school. Maybe tell the school you are open to dialogue with the boys parents and see if they respond to that. If that course of action fails, I would look at having her moved.

It is always hard with international schools as far as the integration of some students can go, but I applaud the teacher for being right onto it!

Good Luck

[Phteven]

Poor little poppet. That's horrible.
She needs to know that she is supported and that she has done nothing wrong but I'm not sure that it will help her to move her away from the situation. I know how horrible it is when your children's friendships turn sour and they are suffering but unfortunately it's not going to be the last time that she has to negotiate with someone who is mean and spiteful and helping her in those negotiations might be of more value to her than removing her. It sounds like her teacher will be really supportive and the mean boy will be dealt with which I think is important. If you want space between them then I would ask the principal to ensure that this happens.

[Tinks]

How horrible I hope she's ok tonight.

I'd actually wait to see what the principal is going to do about the problem. If he doesn't seem to be doing enough then demand one of the 2 be moved into another class. I feel that if any kid is going to be moved it should be him, not Jess. You don't want it to seem like a punishment for her

[Livinthedream]

That's really tough.... My first inclination would be to wait and see how the other child is handled by the school. Maybe tell the school you are open to dialogue with the boys parents and see if they respond to that. If that course of action fails, I would look at having her moved.

It is always hard with international schools as far as the integration of some students can go, but I applaud the teacher for being right onto it!

Good Luck

Yeah that ^^^

[~Jayne~]

Ladies, thank you so much!

I honestly just want to sit down & cry. She hasn't moved off the lounge, she just wants to watch dvd's because now she said she feels 'sick'. I know she's not sick though. It's the beginning of the 'I can't go to school tomorrow because I'm sick' scenario.

To be really honest, if I do move her, I don't want her to think that when somebody does something she doesn't like, Mummy will come to the rescue & move her away from it. But in saying that, I mean pulling down the poor kids pants - seriously!!!

I rang Alan (DH) & his first response was 'Get her moved to Elementary'. I'm not a teacher so I can't say how she would go, but she is the top of her class in Kindergarten, she is a bright child - so I really doubt she would have any issues with it.

The school is really, really proactive on bullying & discipline. Really switched on. I'm really impressed with a lot of stuff. I just recently stuck up for this little boy because a bigger kid pulled him down the stairwell to try get him to fall down the stairs & I told the older kid off & made sure he was ok!!! I just let the receptionist know that some 'dodgy stair action' is happening (the school is on Level 4 - no elevator) & the Principal came & asked me all the details. I felt like such a dobber!

The most sad part is, that even though Jess has started playing with other kids in the class, she still LOVED this kid. She just wanted to stretch her wings a bit. Completely within her 'rights' & 'boundaries' & she even includes this kid into play, but he states he only wants to play with Jess. I'm not making Jess into a saint, because I know FOR SURE that she isn't - but honestly, she is 6 years old. She can play with whoever she damn well wants! lol

xx

[Tinks]

What happened with this Jayne?

[Smoke Jaguar]

Just found the thread - did DD get moved, or the other kid?
What's going on for a kid to do this to their friend, is my first question - personality issues, or home issues? Sounds very controlling, either as a modelled behaviour, or something a bit awry in social processing.
I'd be really interested to know how it's been dealt with and if there have been any outcomes or developments

[Miss.September]

Oh Jayne, I just saw this. I hope Jess is okay and a resolution was found. How horrible

[~Jayne~]

Hey Ladies,

Thanks so much for thinking of us.

Well I didn't take it any further & I'm now glad about that. The boy in question is friendly again with Jess but I think that is part & parcel of having a class of only 10 students.

We had parent/teacher conferences last week & I discussed it then with the teacher. She said that Jess has found her confidence in the class & is branching out & pursuing friendships with other children in the class & this little boy is having a hard time coping with it. She said she has spoken to Jess at length about her 'rights' to be able to play with whoever she wants to play with & the teacher said she has even found Jess to change the game/play she is engaging with other kids to accommodate this particular boy. She said it's entirely the boy's problem & it's one that she has her eye on majority of the day. She said he pulled her pants out of frustration as he was trying to get her attention & she was busy with somebody else so he did it out of spite - for a reaction.

Jess is ok with it now, but I have caught him hanging off her backpack, clothes, etc... a few times & I just nicely say to him 'XX please don't hang off Jessica's clothes, you make her very upset when you do that'.

I'm glad I didn't go jumping on it guns blazing, but I am still annoyed it happened to begin with.

Thanks again!

[BeautifulMadness]

im glad it all worked out......what a fantastic school...pitty schools here arent following suit...