some questions for those who gave birth to angels

[New Dawn]

I am sorry for all your losses no one should ever have to lose a child, I am not going to even pretend to know what you have been though...

I know this is posted in the support section, but I have a few questions if anyone cares to answer, if not you can tell me to bugger off and I will...

How do you want your IRL friends to act around you I am never sure what to do or say, I feel like they wouldnt want me around because I have been blessed with 4 healthy babies... I feel guilty that I have been given so many when others have had theirs taken away way too soon....

What about if your pregnant at the time would you mind a pregnant belly visiting you letting you cry on their pregnant shoulder, or is it best to keep your pregnant self away...

Same if you have a newborn / young baby do I stay away or come anyway, or would that make all so much worse...

Like I said I dont mind if you tell me to bugger off that I am out of place, but I just never know what the right thing to do is...

[TeniBear]

I'll preface this by saying that a few of the things I found myself doing/thinking aren't typical...

How do you want your IRL friends to act around you I am never sure what to do or say, I feel like they wouldnt want me around because I have been blessed with 4 healthy babies... I feel guilty that I have been given so many when others have had theirs taken away way too soon....

I was fine with having other kids or babies around me. In fact, the best thing one of my cousins did for me was let me hold her month-old little boy for as long as I wanted. As for behaviour... It's hard, but trying your best not to be uncomfortable is best. Let them talk about their bub as much or as little as they like. Ask questions - I love talking about Ianto.

What about if your pregnant at the time would you mind a pregnant belly visiting you letting you cry on their pregnant shoulder, or is it best to keep your pregnant self away...

A month after Ianto was born (when I should have been about 36w), I went to a family reunion and was surrounded by pregnant women. I hated it. I hated those women for being pregnant when I should have been showing off my own pregnant tummy too. But they were people I didn't know. I don't know how I would have been with pregnant friends...

Same if you have a newborn / young baby do I stay away or come anyway, or would that make all so much worse...

I felt better cuddling a baby than being near their parents most of the time, to be honest.

In the end, it just depends on the individual. It doesn't hurt to ask if it's okay - in fact, showing you're thinking of these things makes it obvious you care. Nothing you say can take the pain away, but being a good friend helps soothe it.

[Rach75]

for me although my heart ached I never shunned pg friends and family mysister gave birth to my 2nd nephew the day after Katy was born I didn't see him for 2 weeks but when I did he was a healing power for me..

but for someone else seeing a pg friend or a newborn can be too much a polite text or email never hurts to check .. a card in the mail saying you are thinking of them and when they are ready you will be there for them

[skybie]

i think everyone is different, for me it would be a no and a no, not for a while anyway

[mummydreamer]

I can understand how some women would feel the need to shy away from pregnant women or women with newborns as it would seem like a constant reminder. and i know if i was in their shoes around someone who had been in my position, i would feel uneasy, not wanting to upset them or anything. for me, it's all still very raw, it's only been 3 weeks, but i don't feel that way at all. one of my closest friends, who is actually a member on here as well, was only a few weeks behind me and is due in a matter of weeks now, and i don't want to avoid her at all. she moved up to Cairns recently (im in western sydney) but i really wish she was down here with me!! one of SIL's is also pregnant, she's now about 21 weeks....i don't want people to act weird around me, or avoid telling me things or avoid talking about things.....the way i see it, i don't want to take away the joy and excitement their feeling just because of what's happened to me....does that make sense? it is hard, but it's something i have to deal with....

hope this all makes sense, but that's how im feeling about it right now....i don't know, it might change, but i'll let people know if it does get too hard

[Samcougar]

but for someone else seeing a pg friend or a newborn can be too much a polite text or email never hurts to check .. a card in the mail saying you are thinking of them and when they are ready you will be there for them

For me in the first few weeks everytime i seen a pregnant woman or a newborn baby i just started to cry. It really is different for everyone.

[Lisa]

I hadn't told anyone at work that I was pregnant with Noah and had plans to tell them after the scan. I lost Noah and went back to work a week later. My boss knew I had lost a baby but being an older male he obviously assumed I wasn't very far into the pregnancy. Straight after I went back to work I had to do a training course at another office and when I got there, I was confronted by the receptionist who had the most gorgeous pregnant belly. I felt myself choke up and I felt sick. I couldn't stop staring at her belly. I asked her how far into her pregnancy she was and yep, she was as pregnant as I should have been.
It was really difficult and I hated every week I did my training course there. It didn't get easier for me. The only tiny bit of relief that came was due to the fact that she was having a girl.
My sister was 6 weeks behind me when I lost Noah. She was having a boy. I became really protective of her and her baby. As hard as it is for me to admit, although I love my nephew to bits my bond with him isn't as strong as the one I have with his older brothers. I think I tried to protect myself too much. Even just yesterday I looked at photos of him and thought "That's how big Noah should be now".

I personally think it is best to feel out the situation. If someone is pregnant and their friend looses a baby, there is no harm in asking them how they would feel about having a visit from a pregnant friend. I think I would prefer to be asked than to be avoided.

[New Dawn]

Thank you all so much for your responses... I guess it just so different for everyone, but at least now I know that I will at the very least text/call them first just to see where their head space is at the time...

mummydreamer and skybie Thank you both for giving your thoughts, after you very reasent angels... I hope you have the support around you at this time super huge

[dory]

Newdawn - thankyou for taking the time to ask... everyone is different... so about some of your questions, it's actually better to just ask the person who's lost their baby.

How do you want your IRL friends to act around you I am never sure what to do or say, I feel like they wouldnt want me around because I have been blessed with 4 healthy babies... I feel guilty that I have been given so many when others have had theirs taken away way too soon....

That answer will change over time as grief changes with time. For me, seeing other women with children gave me hope. Sure it hurt like hell and sometimes I'd just cry. But as Teni said, you can't take their pain away. You have to accept that they have been torn apart and the world is no longer a safe place for them. They will cry and that's ok. Everything seems to fast, too loud, too bright, and really I could have cared less about the rest of the world. But worse than the pain is the feeling of isolation. Grieving your child is a very lonely time. Having a friend who takes the time to touch base in whatever way the bereaved parent can manage, is so very important. Having a friend who lets you cry, who asks questions, gently, who speaks your child/ren's name, who remembers their angel day/birth day, who remembers their EDD, who does this time and time again, when everyone else has "lost interest" and gone back to their own lives, is more precious than gold. Having someone who tries to understand that the baby who has been lost will always be treasured and remembered and honoured, and that it's not something that you 'get over', even when a bereaved parent appears to have integrated their experiences of loss into their life, still grieves. Grief can be so left field too. Unexpected things can set it off again.

And sweetie , if that's how you feel, guilty to have been blessed, then tell the bereaved parent that.


What about if your pregnant at the time would you mind a pregnant belly visiting you letting you cry on their pregnant shoulder, or is it best to keep your pregnant self away...

Like Teni, one the most special times for me was getting to hold my friends newborn, who was born about the time of my first Angel's EDD. I would visit her lots and get to hold her son for as long as I wanted, tears and all. The other time this was important to me, was after my second angel died whilst I still pregnant with my third ( twins), I went to the hossy where I delivered my first angel and got to hold another friends baby.

I had no problems with people who I knew were pregnant being around me. It was hard though if people annoucned their pregnancy, but better to announce it than not tell them. The not telling just makes the bereaved person feel even more ostracised and alone. I would get angry if I saw a stranger not treating their pregnancy the way I thought they should - smoking, drugs etc, and it took all my self control not to launch myself at them. The first pregnant woman I saw after my first angel, I got scared for... I looked at the beautiful swelling of her belly and I just got so scared that she might know my pain.

Same if you have a newborn / young baby do I stay away or come anyway, or would that make all so much worse...

Best just to ask... and accept that they might think it's ok but then find out it's all just too hard when confronted with a newborn.

Give my love to the person you are thinking of.... they are lucky to have you.