Newdawn - thankyou for taking the time to ask... everyone is different... so about some of your questions, it's actually better to just ask the person who's lost their baby.

How do you want your IRL friends to act around you I am never sure what to do or say, I feel like they wouldnt want me around because I have been blessed with 4 healthy babies... I feel guilty that I have been given so many when others have had theirs taken away way too soon....

That answer will change over time as grief changes with time. For me, seeing other women with children gave me hope. Sure it hurt like hell and sometimes I'd just cry. But as Teni said, you can't take their pain away. You have to accept that they have been torn apart and the world is no longer a safe place for them. They will cry and that's ok. Everything seems to fast, too loud, too bright, and really I could have cared less about the rest of the world. But worse than the pain is the feeling of isolation. Grieving your child is a very lonely time. Having a friend who takes the time to touch base in whatever way the bereaved parent can manage, is so very important. Having a friend who lets you cry, who asks questions, gently, who speaks your child/ren's name, who remembers their angel day/birth day, who remembers their EDD, who does this time and time again, when everyone else has "lost interest" and gone back to their own lives, is more precious than gold. Having someone who tries to understand that the baby who has been lost will always be treasured and remembered and honoured, and that it's not something that you 'get over', even when a bereaved parent appears to have integrated their experiences of loss into their life, still grieves. Grief can be so left field too. Unexpected things can set it off again.

And sweetie , if that's how you feel, guilty to have been blessed, then tell the bereaved parent that.


What about if your pregnant at the time would you mind a pregnant belly visiting you letting you cry on their pregnant shoulder, or is it best to keep your pregnant self away...

Like Teni, one the most special times for me was getting to hold my friends newborn, who was born about the time of my first Angel's EDD. I would visit her lots and get to hold her son for as long as I wanted, tears and all. The other time this was important to me, was after my second angel died whilst I still pregnant with my third ( twins), I went to the hossy where I delivered my first angel and got to hold another friends baby.

I had no problems with people who I knew were pregnant being around me. It was hard though if people annoucned their pregnancy, but better to announce it than not tell them. The not telling just makes the bereaved person feel even more ostracised and alone. I would get angry if I saw a stranger not treating their pregnancy the way I thought they should - smoking, drugs etc, and it took all my self control not to launch myself at them. The first pregnant woman I saw after my first angel, I got scared for... I looked at the beautiful swelling of her belly and I just got so scared that she might know my pain.

Same if you have a newborn / young baby do I stay away or come anyway, or would that make all so much worse...

Best just to ask... and accept that they might think it's ok but then find out it's all just too hard when confronted with a newborn.

Give my love to the person you are thinking of.... they are lucky to have you.