DS has always been a cautious child. He stood back from the other children until he turned 3, but now he is right amongst them playing. He isn't shy and will happily talk (and talk and talk) to anyone. He has never in his life hit/kicked/pushed another child (little sister excepted of course).
But if another child is rough with him he will just meekly accept it and move away. For example we went to an evening function at kindy and he was happily running around with the other kids. Then one of the boys grabed DS's arms and pulled them back and forward until DS fell to the ground. The other kid then ran off and DS stayed sitting. When I went over to see if he was alright he just said that he didn't want to play with the other kids any more.
So later we had a little chat about it and I told him to remember to use his words and tell the other child if he doesn't like what they are doing. We practiced saying firmly "stop it! I don't like that!".
A few days later he was on a bouncy castle and he told me that a girl was being mean to him. I reminded him to use his words and sent him back, but went to spy. I saw him sitting in a corner shielding his head with his hands saying "no, no" in a meek little voice while the girl was deliberately bouncing onto him over and over. I sent the girl on her way, but I can't be there to save him every time.
Does anyone know of any way that I can teach him to stop accepting it? I don't want him to be picked on but atm he is an easy target.
Not totally sure but I guess it would take a bit of practice. In situations like this, I have given DS the words to say and then held his hand as he did it. It seemed to give him confidence and he always repeated exactly what I said. Although it would have been better if he had gone by himself he just wasn't going to and I hope that with time he will. He does seem to be better now. Maybe you can role play with some teddies and get him to teach them what to say in that situation.
At kindy/school, they teach kids to put up a hand and say "Stop it, I don't like it." If that doesn't work they are encouraged to seek help from a grown up or a peer mediator.
It might help to explain to him what his choices are. He could stay and put up with it, or he could move away, or he could tell a grown up, or he could tell them he is going to tell a grown up (the threat can work just as well as the actual telling).
Nawww that's so upsetting..
My ds was the same, he used to get beaten on until he would click and beat on them back but then he got really aggressive and violent to the point I was scared to take him out..
I guess the older he gets he will use the basic skills of relying on his own instincts to stand up for himself but it takes time.. I like MD suggestion though it sounds quiet reasonable and very suitable for children that age.
We had similar issues for a long time. Then something clicked. This past year my DD has completely come out of her shell and I now have to watch her to make sure she plays nicely with other kids. (I know, not the most desirable outcome, but I'd rather that than have her come to me crying constantly because someone looked at her funny )
She now says very clearly, "STOP IT" and can defend herself that way. It just happened with practice. Does he attend kindy or playgroups? If he is only just getting confident in playing with other kids then he probably still needs that extra bit of practice, maybe?
I guess its up to you, but as a bullied kid I was always told by my mother to just be nice and the bullys would find it hard to be mean. If they got physical to just move away YEAH RIGHT you have a pack of females and they act like a pack of wolves hunting.
I plan on enrolled DD into some form of martial arts as soon as she is old enough.
I think it gives kids confidence as well as the ability to defend themselves IF the need arises. When I did Judo (shame I didn't continue it) I was taught discipline and self control and to use my "weapon" only as a last resort and then and only then you had to warn (not tell) the other person that you knew marital arts.
I think things would have been different for me in High School had I still had training of some kind!
We are in the same situation with DS1. We also role play and practise to say in a firm voice 'stop it, i don't like it', but so far he hasn't used it. Like NaeNae, we are also thinking of enrolling him into martial arts as a confidence booster. Not sure what to do in the meantime though, very hard to watch your child being bullied and knowing you won't always be there to protect them .
Thanks ladies. I can try some more role playing and practice saying "Stop it". No chance of martial arts around here (small town) but it is a good idea.
Snacks, he goes to kindy 4 half days every week. He seems to have no problem at all with the other kids until they get rough. I hope that he just learns to deal with it like your DD did.
Esme, it is really hard seeing them picked on. It makes me wonder how many times it has happened when I wasn't there to help him
MD, I think he moves away and tells me if he can, but if they are physically rough he seems to freeze and doesn't say anything or think to move away - like if he stays still enough they will leave him alone.
My DS is exactly the same! DH worries that he'll be pushed around, but I don't want to teach him to fight back.
I haven't actually seen him being bullied really, but he tends to dawdle at the top of the stairs/slide or stand around in teh way and kids get impatient and push past him. Or he plays a game when he runs around and plonks down on his bum, and the other kids 'help' him by pushing him over. Or he's vague and 'loses' his toy or food to another kid.
I've tried explaining to him that he needs to move on, get out of the way or the other kids will push him. But he's so dreamy he can't seem to remember. I'd like him to participate in a little rough and tumble play without getting violent obviously, but also without getting upset if someone bumps him. He practices saying no, or will say it very quietly, but mostly just stands there stock still as it happens.
I feel like I should leave him to figure it out for himself - it's an important life skill, right? But I'm not sure.
Hard to know what to do isn't it MadB. On one hand you don't want to fight their battles, but on the other you don't want them to be walked all over.
Do you think a sport like soccer would help your DS? A bit rough but not violent.
Yeah, we're going to start a kiddie sport thing next term. I'm hoping that will help a bit. He's not very well developed physically for his age too, which is part of it I think.
I've been thinking on this - maybe we need to provide better role models? DH and I both totally non-confrontational. He probably doesn't get to see us dealing with issues much so maybe we need to have some disagreements and sort it out...?
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How to teach kids to stand up for themselves?
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