Help please with gentle approach to weaning 3.5 year old off dummy

[AnyDream]

DD2 who is 3.5 still has a dummy and a comfort toy at bedtime and is very attached to them.

We had been planning on getting her to leave her dummy(s) out for the Easter Bunny (who would in turn leave a very special toy) which is what we did with DD1, who was quite happy to go along with it and still remembers getting the special necklace (9 years later). DD1 was generally a lot more secure than DD2 is, generally.

Problem is, DH went away for a couple of weeks recently, at the same time the ILs were visiting, and with all the upheaval DD has become quite clingy. She had a massive social anxiety/shyness episode at a party we went to today, so I'm starting to wonder if the timing of the planned easter dummy giveaway is a really bad idea (that's if it would even work with her). She only has the dummy at bedtime or sometimes in the car if she's really overtired and we've got a long car ride to get through so I can't imagine that it's affecting her speech.

Is is better to wait until she's feeling more secure to deal with the dummy, or is it better to take decisive action now before the attachment becomes even more habitual and ingrained???

??? Really looking for a gentle approach, any suggestions, thoughts?

[krystals]

Forgive me for the assumption, but it sounds like you don't think she's ready. You might need to give the Easter Bunny a raincheck. OR See how she is next week? Have you already discussed it with her? I obviously don't know your daughter or the situation, but maybe she's already excited about it if you've discussed it?

[AnyDream]

I've suggested she could try going to bed without the dummy but she flat out refused. She said dummy and bunny make her feel "warm and comfable".

I haven't talked about leaving it for the EB at all yet.

[Laranna]

I'd be interested to read the replies, MD as I've been thinking about getting DS to give up his dummy. He has it for sleeping as well and is very attached to it. I've recently been talking to him about the Easter Bunny coming to take it and will leave him a very cool present. DS, however, keeps saying "I don't want a present!"

Failing that, I think I'll go the 'dummy fairies' approach just before or just after his 3rd birthday next month and tell him the fairies need his dummies for all the new babies in fairyland. And swap it for a cool present as well.

[~Kaz~]

Hey MD, I am so not an expert on this, nor do I even have any experience with a 3.5 year old but DS is just turned 2 and he has his dummy at bed time and during long car trips as well. He also has two sleep toys, one in particular he is very attached to.

From what you've written, (and without knowing your daughter obviously) I'd probably hold off on taking 'decisive action' at this point. I think by 3.5 she is well into the habit of having them for sleep. Has she shown any signs she might be ready to get rid of the dummy? I would probably start talking about dummies and that eventually she will no longer need the dummy, that dummies are mainly for babies, that she can keep it as long as she likes etc but that it's ok to stop using it. Arg, I'm not really wording it that well but I think I'd just be looking for natural opportunities to bring up the subject in general conversation and then gauge her reaction. Would she be into trialling going to sleep without it for a few nights to see? Could you make it a game or a kind of experiment? Are there any other examples in her world, friends who don't need them anymore for example that you could talk about?

I think that she's had it this long. And she sounds like quite a different temperament to your older daughter. Why do you want her to get rid of it now? Are you worried about her speech at all?

Good luck. I will be interested to hear what you end up doing and how it goes. As I said, DS is still only 2 and we have no plans to try and get him to give up the dummy at this point but I may well have a different view by the time he is 3.5.

[AnyDream]

She's had it for longer than DD1 did because we've had quite a lot of turbulance at home over the last couple of years. She is in childcare a lot more than DD1 ever was, and I've been in and out of hospital multiple times. Then I started work, then there was a change in childcare, then we were working on getting the toilet training sorted (which we've only just conquered in the last month or so). BUT I've noticed she has a little bit of a tongue thrust when talking - I know this can be related to BFing, but I'd hate for her to end up in speech therapy for a very entrenched lisp just because I didn't make the right decision about the dummy!!!

[hipmummy]

I was terrified to get rid of it. DS loved his, and was absolutely obsessed by it.
I was going to leave it out for the "dummy fairy" but I really wanted him to take the step...
We talked about it a fair bit, and I pointed out that nobody else had a dummy etc etc...
In the end (3 years 5 months) to be exact he gave it up. He just said to me one day that he didn't want it any more. So we threw it in the bin. The first few day and night sleeps were hard but I made a point of wearing him out as much as I could so he didn't have time to think about it.
It took him a couple of weeks, and he'd occasionally ask for it and I'd remind him. About a month after, he found a dummy in the car it was covered in dust and who knows what (vomit) and he dived for it and started munching away. I reminded him about how brave and clever he was now that he didn't need it anymore. He munched for about a minute then handed it back to me.
He's never touched one since (4 months ago). I'm so glad he made the final decision - I didn't want to do it as I felt heartless taking away his comforter.
Our experience anyway.

[Kazzo]

DD1 only had her dummy for sleeping. Day nap and night time. When she was about 20months I went to give her her dummy before bed and noticed it was no longer puffed out (sorry can't think of better discription this time of night). We only had the one for her so I gave it to her. She put it in her mouth and pulled it out looking puzzled. I told her it was broken and could not be fixed, she got a little upset, no crying though. She kept playing with it, but did not like it so she gave it back to me. Went to bed, asked for it, I reminded her it was broken and said I will put it in the bin (for the bin fairy) to have. She was fine about it, only asked a couple more times but that was it.
I thought having a newborn with a dummy would make it hard but nope.

I guess the dummy breaking made it really easy for me. I would have bought a new one for her if it upset her to much though. Does your DD have more then 1 dummy? Maybe you could try breaking one (although how to break one I have no idea) and give it to her and see how she reacts. If you have another one if she gets to upset then she just might not be ready yet.

[minniemouse]

i know exactly what you mean, we are going through the same thing, my DD (now 5) had a dummy and gave it up to santa 2 months before she turned 3, she wasn't at all worried, however our DS who was 3 in march is sssooo attached to his, he is a completely different and there is no way i would/could have done the santa thing with him.

He mainly has it for sleeps and also likes to sit on the lounge with it while watching tv, doesn't have it out of the house (except he does sometimes ask for it in the car and occasionally gets it), im not concerned at this point, i know he won't have it forever and i really think it would be too upsetting for him to lose it at this time.

sounds like lots is happening in your DD life that might make her a bit anxious, you know her best and if it doesn't bother you for her to keep it a bit longer i would just leave it for now (if you want it gone maybe start gently suggesting she won't be having it after she turns 4 or try giving it to santa at christmas this year)

[Kazzo]

Oh and a friend actually got her DD a little pot with soil and they planted the dummy. The next day when her DD woke up it was a lovely little flower for DD to look after

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

I was thinking of doing the Easter bunny thing with DD1 this year and thought all hell would break loose but was preparing for it.

One day she was being a 'big girl' and painted her nails, when she went for her nap i told her big girls don't need dummy's, she laid inbed and whimpered for 5min then fell asleep.
That night we tried again and I laid with her until she fell asleep, it took 2 days and we've been dummy free since. She hasn't even asked and shows people her pretty nails and says "no dummy"

Do you have something you could do similar, nails, hairs clips, big girl present?
Maybe allow her to pick another 'comfort' item for bed or in the car?

It might be easier than you think, there's no harm in trying, I still have all the spares in the cupboard, better throw them out.


Sent from my iPhone, more than likely while I should be doing something else!

[PollyA]

I think the most important "readiness" is the parents
DD was fairly attached to her dummy and when she was almost 3, and we were ready for a couple of nights of broken sleep (many wise people told me the whole process takes 3 nights) we prepared DD, rounded up all the dummies (6 in total) and went to the shops. I worded up the checkout guy that DD would be paying for her toy in dummies and we went to the toy section. I suggested she buy a baby and she was pretty open to that suggestion, because then she would have something to go to bed with.
She paid for her baby with 6 dummies which the checkout guy then binned (if you give in after something like this it will be 10 times harder) and we left the shops dummiless.
Bedtime rolled around and she really wanted to cry when she realised that there were no dummies but she didn't, and I believe its because it was her choice. We didn't force it, she chose to buy baby.
Poor babies hands got chewed and she woke up a couple of times for 3 nights... my wise friends were right.
She never once asked for the dummy but we talked about how she was a big girl and talked a lot about baby.

You need to be ready and committed. Its really not kind to give in once you've made the call, I don't think, its confusing.
We used lots of other comfort measures to get through, back tickles, milk, sleeping next to her. 3 days of comforting and lots of love and no more dummies!
She sleeps so much better without them now.
Good luck!

[Artechim]

MD, we have never done the dummy thing but one of the ladies at MG has just got her 3.5 year old to give up the dummy. They talked about giving it up quite a bit and ultimately it was the little girls decision to put it in the bin. I think there really has to be a level of commitment from the child. They have to participate in the act of giving it away without it being forced on them, just give her opportunities to make the choice. Talk about it every now and then to mentally prepare her for the idea?

If she wants to she can post it over for my new baby and I can send her over some big girl stuff like lip gloss, nail polish? or whatever.

[Taurean]

I don't have any personal experience with giving up the dummies but laying here with my DD now and her gob-full of dummy I know we will in the future so I'll be trying what our friends did.

Our friends took their DD to a big toy shop and let her pick out a toy, within a reasonable price range. They had spoken to her about it so she knew what was coming. She had all her dummies in her little bag and 'paid' for her new toy with all her dummies. It worked a treat apparently although she did find one random one under a couch or something at home but after a quick suck agreed to throw it in the bin. So to be safe you have to ensure you have ALL of them to hand over

I really like that idea, we'll definitely be adding to our list of things to try

[MamaPan]

A friend recently had a dummy ceremony for her girls who are 4 and 2.5
They tied the, to balloons and setbthem free to fly to a baby who needed them..took lots of pics etc
They then had a picnic w party food to celebrate being big girls
I never used dummies so no personal experiences to help you

[JLeigh29]

Just wanted to say that I love these suggestions, so gentle and child-oriented. DS is 12 months old and we have been thinking about how we'll get rid of his dummy when the time is right. Lots of great ideas here, the problem now will be deciding which to try!

[YoYo]

I haven't read any of the other replies, but what would happen if her dummy got a hole in it....would she be put off?

DS had his 'num num'...two of them actually, one for his mouth, and one to rub on his face till he was just over 3! Which after he bit a hole in them, weren't as desirable anymore.....I intended on giving his to Father Christmas....but I didn't have to....one day, he was waiting for the rubbish man (he loves that guy!) and decided to get rid of them into the wheelie bin and send them away with the grass clippings (he loves the lawnmower man too!)

We were living in transit, about to go overseas, had just moved from overseas, so I hadn't put any pressure on him to get rid of them at all....I just thought he'd do it when he was ready, and he did. The holes in them though really helped.

When I was little, my mum just knicked a little hole into mine too....and that worked for me.

[megs]

I haven't fully read all of the replies either.

My approach for my eldest son who was also very attached to his Dummy's was to mail them. I decided against the leaving them out for Easter Bunner/Santa as I felt that was a bit intimidated for him. So we wrote a letter together and discussed how the new babies would need dummies and that he was a big boy now. We put the letter and his dummies in the envelope and then we mailed them. I'm lucky in that we live on a farm so we just put our mail in our letter box and the postie collects it so I just got DH to take it out before the mailman came. Maybe you could take her into the post office to mail it (I'm sure the staff would be obliging).

Good Luck, it can be quite a traumatic thing.