HELP my stepson has just told me he is ................................
He is attracted to men in other words he said he is gay.
I was not really surprised by that fact as I always thought that he could be. We talked for over an hour on the phone and he opened up to me. I told him that there is nothing wrong with being gay and if that makes you happy well I am happy for you. He told me that he was shocked by how well I took it. NOW the HELP part, he asked me to tell his father (my DH) as he is very worried about what will happen. It is not the DH is anti- gay it is that it would be unacceptable for his son to be gay.
How can I help both DH accept and deal with this and not push his son away. I do not want to look back in 10 years time and say well if we did this better it would not have been like this IYKWIM.
Please help especially if you have had experiences with this or what you would you like your parents to do or say.
Thanks in advance
No experience with that one, but good luck. Thats great your stepson has come out and confided in you. Must be such a relief for him.. If you had suspicions maybe his dad does too.. Although it doesn't make it easier to have the suspicions confirmed, deep down it may not be a total shock.. Can I ask how old he is?
Wow tough one. What a great service you have done to your stepson by taking the news so well and letting him know that you support him.
Can you emphasise to your DH what a brave thing your stepson has done by wanting you both to know, and that he has chosen to involve you in his life rather than never telling you and shutting you out - he is showing a lot of respect for you in telling you. Also, I think that gay people face so much difficulty and discrimination as it is, that they really need their family 100% behind them. The last people that should be judging/alienating them are their family - maybe you could gently point that out to your DH as well, that his son needs him now more than ever.
I have always said I would not care in the slightest if DS turned out to be gay, as long as he was happy. And I know that his parents loving him unconditionally would be a big step towards him being happy.
my stepson is nearly 21. His father has joked about being gay. But I do believe it is going to bee a huge stock to his father. His father is very hard person. Has always pushed his son to go get some 'pussy' and he goes on and on about it. Stepson said that he wanted to tell his father over a year ago but he could not bring himself to. Now that he was moved back to NSW he has the distance factor that his father can not get mad with him. His father will not be understanding at all, he has never really connected with his son and probably all he needs to break all contact with him. I don't want this to happen, even thou he is not my bio son that does not mean that I don't care about him.
My best friend at school came out to his parents when he was about 17-18, at the time his Dad didn't deal with it well at all, but now his whole family are very accepting and supportive (he's 24 now).
So just let your stepson know that people can change, and even if the news goes down bad, doesn't mean his Dad wont come around.
:hugs:
You sound like a wonderful stepmum! I don't have any personal experience in this situation but I think this type of conversation needs to be had face to face including your stepson. It may break the relationship between father and son but you tell your dh on your own will not help the situation. It really needs to come out if your stepsons mouth too to help him hold his head high and realize being gay is not a reason to hide. Good luck.
Would showing your DH how much you support your stepson in all of his choices make a difference to your DH? It might be a way to go. I think it really shows how your relationship is between you and your stepson given that he told you his choice.
I don't think you can come out for someone.
I honestly think your stepson needs to do that for himself, you cannot do it for him. Offer your support and to be there when he decides he is ready, but I wouldn't say anything, I would not offer to do it and I would let DSS do it in his own time, when he is ready.
I did tell him that it would be better coming from him, but he just so scared. I have always been the person to most of the time make DH see reason. If I tell him that no I will not tell DH then he will probably never have the 'balls IYKWIM" to do it. When he told his mum she did not talk to him for over a month and they lived in the same house. I think maybe I should change one of the statements i said in my opening thread. Maybe DH is a little anti gay but I think that could just be to do with the generation he is in.
he isn't anti gay but its not acceptable for his son to be gay? How does that work?
Not sure what to do in this situation. In my mind your DH is not ok with Gays. Not if he feels its not ok for his own son to be gay. hmmmmmmm tough one.
bit of a double standard but anyway thats how he feels...
I would think your SDS needs to be the one to talk to DH. If there is that distance then it should be easier for him to do so I would think. BUT the longer you know & DH doesn't I think will be bad. Once it comes out that he is gay & that you knew. It could end badly.
There are some great websites and counselling resources avaialbe for young people in Australia who are thinking of coming out. It's a good idea for him to take his time and think it through, so that he's prepared to weather whatever response he gets.
It's great your DSS knows he has an ally and support in you. I'm so sorry he feels afraid to confide in his dad, I hope that can change in time.
His mother and father really have not talk much in 12-13 years and if they do if always ends in a fight. So I am the person who deals with her. To tell you the truth his mother would probably make things worse.
I am in 2 minds. Yes it would be better for him to tell his father, but he asked me to help him by telling his father. If he did tell his father hell would break loose, but If I was to tell his father well at least I can bear the initial reaction shock, angry or what ever it is.
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HELP my stepson has just told me he is ................................
for your stepson, well done him for accepting himself
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