Jealously and fighting in close in age siblings...please help

[RainbowBrite]

My two littlest girls are not quite 11 mths apart and 2.5yrs and almost 3.5yrs.
The last month or so they have just done nothing but fight...I am talking pushing, hitting, biting, snatching, screaming, throwing...it is ongoing.
My 2.5yr old is the worst of the two...she is only really petite but she bullies her older brothers...hitting, biting, throwing and jumping on them. They don't fight back because she is still so little.
He little brother is 17mnths and now he is mobile and into everything she gets into him too...she gave him a blood lip last night.
She is worst with her sister though.
She was such a placid little thing before...I don't know if it because she has speech problems and can't express herself or that she is stuck in the middle of three very close siblings, or that her dad and I are split up...
I am usually pretty good at figuring out what is wrong and getting on top of the behaviour...but this has got me a little stumped.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.

[Chocaholic]

Sounds like there is a lot happening at the moment for her. She is also at the age where she probably unable to express herself the way she wants. Both my boys went through a fairly violent stage at that age because they weren't able to express themselves to their satisfaction.

I am sure it is very hard but consistency was the key for me. When my two behaved badly, they were separated and the 'victim' was cuddled and calmed down, then the 'agressor' was talked to with me at their eye level. I told them that their behaviour was not nice and it hurt their brother. I would ask them if their brother should hurt them and they always said no. I then asked the 'agressor' to say sorry to the 'victim' and if the 'victim' agreed, to give a cuddle. It really stuck home one day to my youngest when his older brother screamed that he didn't want a cuddle because he was sore. The look in my youngest's face was heartbreaking. It took about half an hour before the oldest would look at his brother then, by his own volition, he went up, cuddled him and said that he loved him but could he please not hurt him anymore. After that day, they still have fights but never to the point of hurting each other unless it is accidental.

Anyway, good luck and all I can say, is just keep trying. You will get there.

[RainbowBrite]

Thanks Chocoholic
I try to be consistent but must admit when it is the 20th screaming fight for the day I may yell
We do the apology and cuddle thing her too, which she usually does.
Maybe it is just a stage and I have to ride it out while trying to keep everyone in one piece

[Junglemum]

RB, i hope it's just a stage because we are struggling with the same thing. DD1 is 3.5 and DD2 is 2 and 2 months. They are constantly fighting over things. I think it has a lot to do with their immature brain. Sharing and taking turns is a difficult thing to learn. But i must say, since i put DD1 in kinder, just 3 weeks ago things have improved. she is learning 'play skills' from the other kids and is playing much more productively and nicely with her sister. Fingers crossed that this too shall pass?!

[black_rose]

We are experiencing this too, I think a lot of it is because dd2 can't communicate as well yet and she is grumpy as her molars are coming through one after the other. She lashes out which makes dd1 fight back. She improved for a few weeks in between teeth so I am hoping it's only going to improve as they come out.

[RainbowBrite]

Hopefully it will pass soon for both of us Junglemum.

I hope she improves for you once her teeth are through Black rose, DD3 has all her teeth now so for us it is not that.

This parenting gig can certainly be challenging at times

[Fionajane]

Hi Rainbowbright,

I hope you don't mind but I came upon your post while looking for help with my two daughters 17 months apart (now 6 and 7yrs) for a different problem. I had a situation very much like yours. Fortunately I found a great resolution when they were the age yours are now.

My eldest was two and behaving very violently toward the youngest constantly pushing her and biting her, I gave her a baby doll and said 'show me how you feel about your sister' - she proceeded to throw and hit the doll for about half an hour in a really violent display as I looked on and said things like "wow you really hate your little sister right now" or "I can see how angry and hurt you are". It was pretty hard to watch but it worked like a charm, not 5mins after this event my eldest was cuddling and kissing her sister with genuine affection. I still use this technique today except we use drawings or ripping paper or throwing cushions, and it still works well. The trick is in really just being there while they show you their feelings.

I got this technique from a book called: Siblings Without Rivalry by Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber.

I hope this helps - my kids have grown into beautiful sensitive and loving sisters, they still have their moments of rivalry and aggression but overall they are able to solve their issues pretty consistently. So we are living proof that it's possible to come out the other side relatively intact! Cheers and hang in there!