I was at a play cafe sorta thing this morning, all the kids (about 2 - 4 yrs) all playing nicely.....
Until this little 'red head' boy - about the same size as DD started being really rough with the kids, my DD in particular.
On 2 ocassions he knocked her down, pushed himself on top of her and started hitting her. Not realising the boy's mum was next to me I said 'what the f**k' and she only then started making her way over and pulling her son off my DD.
Then later he grabbed her shirt and pulled her back really harshly - DD had been trying to stay away from him but he seemed to just want to pick on her. After a short time from that episode the boys mum called him over as they were going to leave and I saw him grab a strong hold of his mum and angrily shove and push her!!
So, I started wondering - what makes a child a bully?
See it's people who think that, that make me feel like I must be doing the worst job as a parent.
I have a rough 2 year old. She hits, scratches, pushes, and lashes out at other children if I let her out of my sight for 30 seconds. We don't do any of that to her, neither does her sister. I don't know where she gets it from. She's not in childcare, no one else looks after her except me.
It is hard, it makes me want to cry just typing this post. I have stopped going to playgrounds, i try not to visit friends who have smaller kids she might hurt. I don't accept offers to look after her as I know if someone isn't watching her as closely as I do she'll hurt someone. I am hoping it's just a phase she is going through and that she will become the gentle loving child I hope to raise.
The only thing I can say is that if a parent knows their child can be a bully they certainly shouldn't leave them unattended. I try not to ever, although she still manages to hurt other kids sometimes.
Im sorry I made you feel that way, it wasnt my intention. I was just suggesting some options. Could it be your DD is doing it for attention from you. I just noticed you have a 4 year old aswell as she may feel that she needs to act this way to get you to notice her, even if its in the wrong way. Please dont take that the wrong way.
I also think some foods (preservatives etc) set some kids off. Some kids can just very nasty when they have been given a certain additive.
Also, maybe its just because he was a red head? lol. I went to a 6 year olds birthday party on the weekend and gosh... there was this red head there and he was just out of control. lol. Please, nobody take offense to this. Im not saying YOUR red head is out of control.
Sometime its hard to say things on BB because it can be taken so many different ways and no one can hear the expression etc behind what your saying.
Yeah I agree with jm. It's unfair to make comments like 'monkey see monkey do'. You really have no idea why children can act out like that. It could be a whole bunch of different factors.
Junglemum - I know how you feel my DD is a biter and I have stopped seeing friends atm as I just dont know how to deal with the biting anymore! I have tried everything! I dont even go to playgroup or rhyme time anymore coz I dont want to be judged if she does lash out.....
Well definitely not his red hair I have a red hair boy who would not hurt a fly, for some reason his red hair seems to make him a target at play centres for other bullies
Some kids just have trouble expressing how they are feeling and they act out.
Some kids are over stimulated. It could be anything like diet related or playing video games not age appropriate.
It's really hard from afar to know what is going on, I have a GF with a little boy who was rough. She is gentle, he has an older sister who is calm and gentle, it's just who he is. He has heaps of energy.
It could be a rush of hormones for some boys, I think it's at around the age of 5 or 6 they get a big injection of male hormones.
Steve Bippuph was a big help for us when it came to boys, he explained a a true life story of a young boy who was misbehaving, his Dad was a truckie and not home alot. The Dad changed jobs and was home alot more and the boys behaviour changed dramatically in the right direction.
It's one of those things, until you walk a mile in someones elses shoes, you just never know.
I don't mean to direct my comments at boys, it can be either.
I don't know Lees. I'm asking myelf this at the moment as their seems to be a bit of it at Kinder.
In some instances, I think it is about attention seeking.
In other instances, it is about power.
In other instances it is about feeding off of parents (as is the case at Kinder at the moment) and copying parental behaviours.
In other instances it's about frustration and not knowing how to vent.
It upsets me because I'm sure that's what most people think, not particularly that you said it. maybe I used to think that until I discovered otherwise.
She gets lots of attention, 3 days with just me. I kind of think it's 50% strong personality and the remainder is her pushing the limits, seeing what reactions she can get, what she can get away with.
It is probably one of those nature/nurture things. You could ask what makes one child shy, or another quiet, another one adventurous etc. Sometimes as well kids will behave in different ways around different kids. I knew one little boy that every time he got around DD2, he got rough with her. It was not his normal personality, not what he would do with other kids, it was just the way he acted around her.
Thanks tash, I was actually quite proud after the first and only set of tears dd got back in and amongst it all - it probably bothered me more as I recall vaguely being bullied when I was 5 or 6 by two much older girls on one occasion.
I feel for you mumma's who aren't comfortable taking your kids out to a playground incase they play too roughly with others. That'd be so hard...
I hope I haven't upset anyone in writing this thread *hugs to all*
I think a lot of it is about frustration because kids are so limited in their abilities. I also think sometimes it's a power dynamic, especially if the child is in trouble a lot, they seem to take this out in kids smaller than them. Then there are all the phases that ALL children go through, such as biting, hitting, pushing etc. Someone could see my dd as a bully if you caught us on a bad day during a pushing phase.
I think they grow out of these behaviours if shown gentle etc, but in the meantime. I think other parents need to be tolerant to some extent (obviously the situation in the op is extreme I'm talking about a bit of jostling).
I know lots of mums who feel they have to isolate their kid while an aggressive phase is in full swing...it really sucks.
My daughters behavior upsets me. And I hate that she hurts other kids. I feel so bad for them if I'm not quick enough, let's face it, I'm about as fast as a beached whale atm.
I wish I knew why she did it. It would make our lives so much easier.
I think it's a good thread, I might get some tips and other people might see that it's not always a case of bad patenting.
P.S - I only identified the boy as having red hair as it was the only thing that stood out about him. DD has red-ish coloured hair too . If the kid had red cheeks or curly hair etc I would have referred to those .
I wish I knew... seems that Oskar, who is 4, has picked up pushing from somewhere... not really sure where? He says it's because at kindy "everyone pushes me"... well, obviously not everyone, but in his eyes it is. I have told kindy the reason he told me he pushed a couple of others so they're more aware of it now. I don't know, cos we don't push each other and he doesn't have other siblings who do either.
That's just the thing, I've seen jostling happen to dd by another kid in the past, geez our dd and ds do that to each other every now and then - but today this kid was laying into her - I thought I was watching a brawl at the pub or something!
Around here the babies seem to come in batches and out of every batch there is a rough one. They are all from good families, there seems to be no obvious reason for it and I see how much it frustrates their mothers.
I personally think it is a mixture of age and personality. Most of them seem to be subsequent children and have grown up learning to stand up for themselves among their siblings. It is just a thing that some kids do - some tantrum, some whinge, some hit and kick. They are all just learning to control their emotions and they lack the impulse control to stop themselves even if they know it is the wrong thing to do. Obviously there are kids that are modeling behaviour they see or are acting out for attention, but just as often they are just going through a phase.
JM, the red hair thing is unfair and nothing to do with anything. S is beautiful and when she is a bit older she will grow out of the rougher aspects of her personality and you will be left with a very naturally confident girl. And BTW, I wouldn't assume that anyone is a terrible mother because their kid is rough, especially if she was monitoring the behaviour. It is only when the kid is left to run riot that I would get annoyed.
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What makes a child turn into a bully?
I know how you feel
I have a red hair boy who would not hurt a fly, for some reason his red hair seems to make him a target at play centres for other bullies
. If the kid had red cheeks or curly hair etc I would have referred to those
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