Question for those of you who have older kids. Just wondered when you did the whole birds and the bees talk with your kids. How did you approach it?
Not looking forward to it, and at the mention of it dh has gone into hiding
hmm i am interested in this answer too- my twins are now 8 years old and DH has gone into denial that they are growing up . they are well due for 'the talk' but wondering what others did/do!!
I was having this discussion the other day with a few people. My DD (now 9) has always known. What I mean is I have always told her the absolute truth (in age appropriate language and terms) how babies are made. So she's grown up knowing.
Recently I was very shocked to learn a good friend of mine had not told her daughter (10yo) about how babies were made. She said her DD had absolutely no idea that reproduction involved both a man and a woman. Personally, IMO, I think that is just wrong!
I dont see the point of "saving up" the discussion until they are a certain age. I would rather demistify it and treat it like the natural thing it is. I feel the same way about calling genitalia by its correct names too. After all, we dont use euphemisms with our children for our ears or ankles, why should we for vaginas or penises???
I agree with n2l.
The other day, my DS told one of his daycare carers that his daddy made a baby in his mummy's tummy. IT's actually not strictly true in our case, but I thought I might save the science and technology for a later conversation.
I think we have just been explaining in more detail and age appropriate language as the girls have gotten older and asked for more detail. They know Mummy & Daddy make a baby from an egg in Mummy's tummy and that baby comes out of Mummy's vagina or through a cut in Mummy's tummy in their case - they can see where they came out. As they ask how the baby gets into the tummy then I explain about the sex part. I expect that will be in the next few months or so.....
I had to explain to my younger brother and sister 10 & 7 about sex. With my mums permission of course, because the extent of my "talk" of anything remotley to do with a womans body was mum asking me if i knew what a period was, i said yes and that was that. I first asked them casually if they knew how babies were made. They both said no, so i explained it to them, with diagrams of a womans uterus and cervix. The diagrams really helped them understand where the egg and sperm met, how the sperm got there, where the sperm comes from. It really opened up a dialouge with them, they ask me all sorts of questions now lol even about ivf! I used penis and vagina, my brother did call his penis a d***, we corrected that. I really tried to make them feel comfortable and not intimidated at all.
I just saw an article on Mamamia the other day about this topic and saying it should start early! Obviously needs to be age appropriate but naming body parts correctly is just the beginning.
A bit long but an interesting read! Freelance writer and mother of twins, Josie Gagliano writes:
It’s the moment every parent dreads: the sex talk.
When I had my twins three years ago, I figured I had, oh, a whole decade before I even ventured there. Phew, lucky me!
As if.
And yet, I am surprisingly calm when it comes to contemplating ‘the talk’.
Probably because somehow it seems to be working itself out – at a frighteningly quick pace.
You see, when you become a parent, your body parts become someone else’s. Starting with your vagina. Heck, there’s no point being coy here.
Suddenly, it is the receptacle from which baby/ies emanate. Everyone – in the delivery suite at least – has a good look.
Then your boobs. Many women will recount how their maternity ward nurses yanked their breasts like a child snatching a cookie – there’s nothing personal nor precious about your ‘girls’ from that day forth.
The your-boobs-aren’t-sacred-anymore thing continues at home. You relax a bit about who sees you breastfeeding. Sure, it’s still muslin-wrap-central, swathing bits of the flimsy fabric as best you can when visitors pop in. But mum or mum in law or friend in the tit-precinct? No worries! You find yourself saying things like, “We’re all the same, anyway”, when mere months before you were all cagey Miranda-style: nobody was ever even allowed into the department store change-room.
Babies tug and chew and guzzle on nipples as if they’re life depends on it (well, for some, it kinda does) and soon you’re undressing in front of your infants. Hell, they’ve seen it all before and they don’t seem that impressed. And then suddenly, they reach that age when you notice they stare a little too long; their gaze doesn’t turn away. No, this time, they study. And you panic.
This started happening to me when my twins were two and a bit. Sometimes, when I am bathing my kids, I really gotta pee. And so I, y’ know, do my thing and finish my thing and barely a teeny eyebrow is raised. But one day, my daughter watched me. Intently. And she noticed I looked different to her… down there. I made sure that from then on, emergency pees were as concealed as midnight snacks.
Shared showers with the bubs – a rare occurrence anyway – suddenly turned into bath-time pirouettes, dodging curious looks as fast as I could without stacking it right there on the enamel. Lately, my daughter asks, “Mummy, what’s that?” pointing directly at my va-jay-jay.
And the clincher. Watching ‘Sex & The City’ in front of my kids. I knew that one day, that would be my barometer. Indeed it was. I know the episodes by heart; I know the scenes when Samantha screams like a banshee. Or when Miranda picks up a random and screws him senseless. So, I know when to flip the channel. The Sex & the City 2 movie, though… not so clued in! There was Samantha, rooting like a mad woman, and there was me, doing an impromptu Haka dance, trying to shield young eyes that had just entered the room while diving for the remote. Hubby watched the whole spectacle and thought it was hilarious. I proceeded to throw the remote at him.
And it all left me wondering: when do I stop calling my son’s penis his ‘doodle’? And how on earth do I intro any semblance of a sex talk to young ones?
I’d interviewed author Martha Gelin on the topic some years ago when she released her aptly titled book, “Sex Explanation Handbook: Talking with Kids about Sex” and desperately went to her for some answers.
First, I started with the big one: the birds and the bees for toddlers. How on earth do I start?
“Give them the language they need to talk about their bodies and about where babies come from. When they are learning the names of body parts, include ‘penis’ and ‘testicles’ (or ‘balls’). With girls, many parents are most comfortable starting with a general “bottom” to indicate the whole nether area, but “vagina’ and/or “vulva” should be added well before starting school. I’d suggest that by age 3½ – or whenever the child is asking questions about the genitals – start using more definite, and correct, words. Both boys and girls need the names for the sex organs of both sexes.”
Gulp. I have been trying to incorporate that into my conversations with my daughter of late. I will admit I do flinch a little when I hear myself say: “Oh, that…? That is your vagina.”
“When your children have the names for penis and vagina – and know where they are located – when the questions start about where babies come from half your work is already done,” adds Dr Gelin, who suggests intro-ing that topic by the time they’re in first grade if they haven’t already done so. Although it’s very likely that by then they’d probably have talked about their penis while with you in the bank queue. When it’s quiet. Adding that they think they’ve just peed their pants. And as your face burns, you try desperately to ignore the muffled laughter.
I do like the concept of creating an open place to talk about anything that may seem awkward for growing kids, teens, and young adults. It’s certainly a far-cry from the non-existent where-do-babies-come-from talk when I was growing up, and I like that. While they’ll still get lots of info from schoolmates and books and the biggest, much-maligned teacher of all – the internet – I’d like to think I will create a safe haven for liberal discussion.
I too have taken the same approach as N2L. As appropriate I have not denied the truth or down played it at all although I have used age appropriate language.
Maybe it was easier for me as we have brought/are bringing our kids up on a farm. They have seen the animals "making babies" as I describe it. I have never come out with the penis goes in the vagina or anything like that but I guess its pretty obvious when DD has been able to see the bull mount a cow etc. My girls have seen animals been born etc DD is 11 and I guess there is going to come a time when I need to discuss STD's and contreception with her. My husband does not agree with the approach I have taken (Eldest DD is from a previous relationship so she knew a little when we met) his not happy about me taking the same approach with our eldest DD. I had no idea what sex and periods were when I learnt at school in year 5 and I was so distressed by the thought. I really wished I had some prewarning what a period was or sex by my mother. I've heard of a number of older ladies not finding out until there Wedding night.
thanks ladies, think I'll start my approach now then, with all the older ones (B/G twins 8 and a 6 year old G). I've always answered questions as they came up, especially since I've just had another bub (who came out of the sunroof ). They do watch birth programs with me. So they probably know more than me
Great article Tanstar.
My DD is only 2 but we're already talking about it to a degree. she knows she grew in mummy's tummy, came out through the c/s scar etc. we discuss her having a vagina and mummy being the same, while daddy is different and has a penis. she showers with both of us, so it's kinda something that just came into conversation.
she has a very limited knowledge of AF - she knows when mummy as to use tampons, and that they are when she bleeds (when you have a daughter that just won't let you pee in peace, you have to discuss it!). she knows about boobs, and that mummy's make milk, and sometimes daddy tries to share them lol.
we're trying to make it as painless later as we can by laying basic groundwork now. no idea if it will work, but i don't want to leave it til she comes home from school with AF, mummy at work, and daddy home alone, with no idea how to help her (my mum got af very early, i was very late - so not something i can guess time wise for her)
we have nat geo wild on a lot at home, so she gets to see a lot of animal behaviour - when she asks, we explain it as simply as we can
DD is 9, and I guess we've always been very matter of fact about answering questions as they came up in language she can understand but still using proper names. My mum told me horror stories of getting AF and not knowing what it was, and she never wanted that for me. Likewise, DD knows what a period is and about pads/tampons as well as about how babies are made and born.
My opinion is that avoiding talking about the facts around sex and bodies is part of what gives the impression that sex is dirty, or bad rather than totally natural and nothing to be embarrassed about. Yes it's important to talk about it in age appropriate terms, but it's exceptionally important that it *is* talked about. If you're embarrassed about talking about your own body and about it's functions, kids pick up on that. As hard as it can be to overcome our own hangups surrounding sex and bodies, do we really want to perpetuate that for our own kids? Or do we want to teach them that bodies are interesting, fascinating things and nothing to be ashamed of?
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Birds and Bee's?
). They do watch birth programs with me. So they probably know more than me
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