Downsides of Parenting: Please be Honest

[Alexis83]

Hi everyone! Well, as some of you may or may not know, my husband and I are considering TTC soonish. Which is great considering my body clock feels like it's ticking so loudly I can't hear much else, nowadays! I can't look at babies without feeling that yearning feeling, and it's something I think about a lot!

That said, I was recently talking to a friend who has just had her second baby. She recently said something to me on Facebook about some negative sides to parenting that we don't usually think about/consider.

So I'm wondering: what - do you feel - are negatives to parenting? Do you like it/not like it? Are there any things you wish people had told you/warned you about before you had your children? I'm asking you to be honest, if it's OK with you. Would be very interested in hearing your thoughts...

[PumpkinZulu]

Firstly, any small negatives are far outweighed by positives! I don't really have anything that I dislike as such, or even that I would call downsides (although my DD is only 3 months old and is a very 'easy' baby for the most part). There are a few things though, that I was unprepared for/took for granted:

-Being alone. When you have a baby (and I assume a child), you are never really alone anymore. I find myself sometimes longing for a minute alone, and even though I know my DH will be able to take DD later, sometimes I just want to be able to have a break right then, in that particular moment.

-Not being able to up and do whatever you want, whenever. For example, if I want to see a movie, it now requires forward planning...either for the one day a week my local runs mums and bubs sessions, or to have someone mind DD. We can't just go, 'oh I fancy seeing a film' and leave for the next session anymore.

Um...that's really about it! Being a parent is enriching and rewarding. It's challenging, but it's the most scrumptious, soul-nourishing priviledge I've ever been granted

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

As PZ has said getting used to not being able to just up and do things can be a learning curve but for me the biggest downside is ' not knowing what your doing' i think i've had more anxiety about worrying whether I am doing the right thing as a parent than anything else.
It's what makes being a parent interesting but it's also the thing that makes you wonder, worry & get excited the most.
They don't come with an instruction manual and your mind plays devils advocate

Honestly though the little things will bug you to start with (not going out, not being able to just pack up and go somewhere) but they grow on you, you work around them and they all become part of daily life.

[hannanat]

I have 7 pretty awesome kids - one is special needs. There are days when things fall apart and nothing goes as planned, but even then I'm incredibly grateful for what I have.

During times of sickness, I've been so worried that I thought I was going to pass out. On each of their first days of school (primary and secondary), I thought my heart would break (my youngest starts this coming year and I don't know how I'll stand it). I've fretted over small decisions and spent many a sleepless night agonising over issues like immunisation. After my last child was born I had an awful case of PND.

But you know what? As corny and cliche as it sounds, when one of my little ones throws their arms around my neck or falls asleep in my arms, it all fades away. When my kids achieve something, I experience such an overwhelming burst of pride that I often cry - in front of everyone.

They are truly spectacular beings and yours will be too.

[Astrid]

A lot would depend on your personality. I was never the real maternal type, so I do find parenting quite hard, it does not come natural to me. I like my space and my thought processes, so one of my major struggles are the constant interuptions. There are times where I just don't cope at all.

Everything changes for better and for worse. Friendships change, family relationships. The transition from being in paid employment to not being.

The hardest hurdle for me, was that I as an individual did not matter anymore (when I should have). The baby is everyones focus, making sure MIL (first time grandma) is focused on, etc. Too many times it was implied by action and statements (also directly said) that I did not matter. That even the drunk waitress at the RSL who wanted to hold DD1 was a baby was more important, than my desires as the mother.

[~Kim~]

Downsides?
The competition of parents to have the crappest moments
The way other people feel like it's OK to tell you how it will be for you.

Seriously though. It can't all be sunshine and roses. Everyone has bad days sometimes. Babies/kids cry, they do get sick, they have bad days and they test your patience at times, but man like PZ said the good far outweighs the bad. Don't let some cranky person who's not happy with their world sway your decision. Having a child is one of the greatest gifts of all time.

[*LittleMissSummer*]

Like PZ said the small negatives are GREATLY outweighed by the positives. The downsides for me are definitely never feeling like you have time to yourself, these days i am lucky if i can pee by myself but mostly DD is in there with me talking to me, getting into the toilet paper! the never being able to do what you want to do thing does sometimes bother me but before my DD i never did anything and now if we want to go out to dinner we take her and make it a family thing. I don't like going to the movies so we watch them at home.

There is nothing like the feeling of seeing your baby for the first time, being the ONLY person your baby wants when they fall over and hurt themselves, when they are sick and just want cuddles all day or the first time they say "mumma". After a stressful day of nothing but tantys when they smile at you when you put them to bed just makes it all worthwhile.

[Cranky Kitten]

Downsides?
The competition of parents to have the crappest moments
The way other people feel like it's OK to tell you how it will be for you.

This...not to mention the mummy-guilt and self doubt. Constantly worrying about whether or not you're doing the right thing by your kids, or whether there's a better way of doing something. We can be our own worst critics sometimes, which gets exhausting.

But in the end, it's totally worth it. It's amazing how getting a hug and an "I love you mummy" can brighten your day and make you feel pretty darn special

[Jellyfish]

Will start by saying that no matter what you won't regret it and it will be worth it but it is a huge change that takes adjustment. I think no matter how hard you try to prepare, it is a really big shock to the system.

Firstly, superficial maybe but pregnancy changes your body. I might still 55kg but there are stretch marks, my curves are softer (ha being kind to myself describing it that way) and my breasts are not as perky as before. Also depending on your birth there can be changes to other areas etc. As an upside, I think pregnancy makes you appreciate your body so much more; I am in awe of it and find the imperfections to be kind of beautiful now.

Secondly, somebody relying on you 100% all of the time is draining; emotionally and physically. As PZ said, you can't take time off on a whim and you will probably crave personal space at times. Being spontaneous is a lot harder. Even getting a shower or hot meal will be difficult at first, let alone a meal out etc. You lose the freedom to sleep in, take off for a quick weekend away, just sit and stare at a wall whenever you wish.

Nappies are not fun. Maybe there is somebody, somewhere who enjoys that aspect but yeah, ick! And they get worse as they grow and progress onto solids. You will also get thrown up on a bit or a lot, I once had some land in my mouth.

Basically, you will forever feel vulnerable. As someone mentioned, when they are sick you will long for the day when it was you that was sick. Even just the prospect of them maybe, possibly coming down with something small will have you worrying; the tiniest sneeze or temperature change will proberly have you jumpy at first. Then they start moving and yeah, toddlers can be clumsy which is hard to watch!

Toddlers like to share their food and can be pretty offended if you do not accept their slobbered on crusts etc. It can be kind of gross. They also like to backwash in your cup! They might also draw on your favourite outfit or rip your favourite book.

But really, all of that just doesn't even seem important, being a parent is amazing; warts and all. Except the nappy thing, I will willingly accept a nappy fairy to deal with those!

[LuluHB]

The total fear you feel when you first bring home your baby and you have no idea what to do and have realised that YOU are solely responsible for this little person. Unfortunately the fear doesn't seem to pass - you just worry about different things as your child grows.

The total mental, physical and emotional exhaustion that comes with babies, especially if your bubs have "issues" of any kind.

The inability to "just duck into the shops to grab some milk" - no such think as "ducking" when you have to unbuckle, get out, grab the milk, give that surprise feed/nappy change, buckle back into the car . . .

I found the biggest adjustment was the sense of losing myself. I was no longer a respected, professional, intelligent working woman. I was now X's mother. While I wouldn't change it for the world and think being home for my children is the most important job in the world, I miss the old me sometimes.

My 3 yr old suffers from acute anxiety and so is a whole different level of exhausting to her older sister, but when she curls up in my lap, wraps her tiny arms around my neck, rubs her cheek against mine and says "I loves you Mummy" the overwhelming love that you never felt possible lifts you above it all. Likewise when you look on in amazement at the perceptive/funny/or just plain amazing comment made by that little person that you created and brought into this world.

[~Kaz~]

Sleep deprivation (and i'm not just talking about the first year)

I wouldn't change what I have for the world and I really really want more kids but being constantly sleep deprived and unable to control my own sleep through being woken has been really tough.

I'd recommend you check out a book called The Mask of Motherhood by Susan Maushart (? Spelling). She discusses all the stuff about motherhood and the way it is constructed in modern western culture and the impact that not talking about the reality (and only the good bits) has in terms of the pressure we put on ourselves and others. I read it while pg and got a lot out of it. It helped me to be a lot more confident a lot quicker I believe, than if I didn't read it.

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[kelsbels]

A lot would depend on your personality. I was never the real maternal type, so I do find parenting quite hard, it does not come natural to me. I like my space and my thought processes, so one of my major struggles are the constant interuptions. There are times where I just don't cope at all.

Everything changes for better and for worse. Friendships change, family relationships. The transition from being in paid employment to not being.

The hardest hurdle for me, was that I as an individual did not matter anymore (when I should have). The baby is everyones focus, making sure MIL (first time grandma) is focused on, etc. Too many times it was implied by action and statements (also directly said) that I did not matter. That even the drunk waitress at the RSL who wanted to hold DD1 was a baby was more important, than my desires as the mother.

This is soooooo me too.

I miss being really really good at my work. Sometimes i get a little resentful when my friends are getting promotions etc and I am not, but I know work will still be there once the kids are at school.

Some days you just wanna sit on your ass and do nothing and you can't! It always seems to be the day bubs is a bit clingy too

Agree with not getting a minute to yourself. There have been times when I've gone and sat in the toilet just so I didn't have a child grabbing at my legs!

Parenting is what you make it. Some people adjust easily, some not so much (like me!!)

I am one of those people who enjoys my kids more the older they get! My DD is 17 months now and I now find parenting much easier and so much more fun (although I'm about to do it all again, i think I'm craaaaaaazy!!)

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Getting Post Natal Depression and feeling like you failed your child as a parent in their infancy.

[kelsbels]

Oh yep, a pp described the complete and total exhaustion, that is TOUGH because regardless of anything, you gotta get up the next day and still go through the motions v

But yes, my child is without a doubt, the love of my life and even the toughest days are better than my childless days

[fionas]

I think everyone has different things that they struggle with. For me, I can pretty much power through the sleep deprivation and nappy changes don't really worry me too much (and DD currently does 4 poos a day).

What I do struggle greatly with is:

Never having time to myself (10 minutes would be cause for a happy dance)
Constant, constant interruptions so feeling like I can never get something done from start to finish without being interrupted whether it's something like loading the dishwasher to actually finishing a thought
Not having any quality time with DP (he's a shiftworker so usually works nights) so all our time together is spent with our DDs
Having to choose between putting the girls in childcare or taking a career break. Professional part-time work is quite difficult to find and employers are often gooses when it comes to being open to the idea of two professional women job-sharing.
The impact that being a SAHM has on your relationship with your partner. It feels sometimes, like I have made all the sacrifices in terms of the above and especially with regard to career while DP's life has remained pretty much the same. It often appears to me that the couples who have the best relationships are where the mum has gone back to work full-time and the child-rearing is shared equally. That's just an observation of my closest friends. It feels very difficult to balance the girls' needs, my own needs and the needs of my relationship.

[MummyNaomi]

The hardest part I think is quality sleep. I used to be an eight hour a night girl. I'd go to bed, I'd sleep - proper, unbroken, deep, restful sleep for 8 hours without waking up once, I miss that

To be perfectly honest the last time I slept like that was 2.5 years ago, my DS is almost 2.5 years old

But I wouldn't change things at all, my life is enriched and full of love and laughter, and as a Mother I feel I have a purpose in life that I never had before.

I must say that if you wrote down a list of pro's and con's to having children, you could easily decided its the maddest idea ever from a practical sense. However loving and being loved has always been my motto in life - and frankly you can't beat it. Being loved by and loving a child is simply the most delicious thing in the world, and I silently mourn for people that have never known the joy of being a parent, they will never know what they have missed, and you can never ever understand that unless you are a parent

Wishing you love and happiness in your TTC journey..

[Olive]

becoming a parent will be the best thing you will EVER do!!

[TeniBear]

Ignore me, I'm just being bitter. Apologies to anyone that saw my awful original reply to this, I was having a "moment" :-/


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