Downsides of Parenting: Please be Honest

[*TripleJ*]

teni no parent should have to do that xoxox

with DS he can be the biggest turdface there is all day but then comes to me and says mummy cuggle and throws his arms around me it disappears

with DD her breastfeeding can be horribly draining but watching it make her sleep so peacefully and growing makes it worth it

being a parent is awesome even when it feels like crap

[Fleur]

There are downsides to anything I guess. Being a parent is one of the most rewarding things you can do, hands down...the good far, far outweighs the bad.

What I missed was the lack of 'me' time, I felt the weight of the total responsibility - the fact that you are thinking about another person All. The. Time. There is no moment of switching off from that, ever, not even as they get older. I worry about them all the time, how they are now, how they will be in the future.
And I still have a secret wish, that one day DH will take all four of them away for a couple of days & I will be left alone.... but then, I would miss them all.

That's the real downside. That they are tied to your heart forever. And it's also what makes it the best thing you will ever do.

[Arcadia]

As pp have said, for me it was the huge impact it had on my life compared to dh. I remember when dd was just born and he would go off to work and soccer, or meet a friend for a drink and I would think...wow...life just goes on as normal for him, whereas for me my whole world was turned upside down.

I also found it hard that I was the first of my family and friends to have a baby, so I was very isolated and I felt very much like I'd lost a part of myself.

I really wish I'd taken maternity leave earlier and really spent some time at home to get used to the idea of being a sahm. As it happened I worked until 36 weeks and had dd at 38 so it was a huge shock to not just have a baby but be AT HOME all the time too.

Having kids is the best thing I have ever done, but it takes a while to find your groove. Accept you will be an L plater for a while and try and enjoy the learning curve.

[Loveinamist]

When I was trying for a baby (7 years it took!) I used to wonder about the downsides too. I remember hearing some academic talk about how parents only say they are happy because they have invested so much into parenting. He compared it to buying expensive socks then realising they are just socks but raving on to your friends about how great they are because you spent so much on them!!! Hearing that scared me! However now I am the parent I would say he is wrong. Yes it is exhausting and your life changes forever but that is it, your life changes along with your attitude to things. Eventually the person you were is in the past and you are now a new person with a child and it is hard to remember how you thought about things in the past. The same way that when you were at school you couldn't imagine working for a living and then suddenly you are that grown up working and paying a mortgage or whatever and it is just life. And you get on with it without really thinking about it.
In regards to the sock analogy, your idea of happiness changes too. I now think a cup of tea is heaven and a fifteen minute sleep in, while DH gets DS ready, is absolute bliss! Noone could have told me that would happen prebaby!
This is without even mentioning the love I have for my son. When they are here you just cannot imagine life without them. It is hard to imagine when they are an abstract. I know because I spent 7 years trying to imagine the abstract baby!
I remember you asked a question earlier about financing for a baby. Maybe you are overthinking this because you are not ready?? Although I remember a friend saying to me that you will never be 100% mentally ready for a baby but you need to be at least over 50%!

[forshelby]

I was sure motherhood was the gig for me. When I was pg, I read 10+ parenting books, and educated myself about labour and birth. The truth is though, nothing can prepare you for the changes which take place.

1. My body. I wasn't a supermodel before I got pg, and I'm definitely not a supermodel now. I can't remember who said it, but I've learned to accept the imperfections in my body, and I wear my 'battle scars' like badges of honour. Those stretchmarks are the racing stripes a mother wears! My boobs have headed south, and I'm flabby flabby flabby. Prepare yourself for that. I no longer have time to straighten my hair (or even brush it, lol) and makeup is a thing of the past.

2. My mind. Things which used to mean a lot to me, are no longer important. Sleep is my number one priority now. Well rested mummy = happy mummy! Some days I barely have the energy to make a simple decision like what's for dinner.

Just when I think I can't keep going though, DS will do something cute, he'll smile, laugh, fart and everything is right with the world. That's when I remember why I wanted a baby in the first place. He can't tell me he loves me yet, but OMG, the love in that little guy's eyes is like a beacon of light in the darkness. *sniff*

It's difficult to put into words exactly how challenging and rewarding parenting is. I'll be completely honest. On those hard days, I've had moments where I've wondered wtf I am doing, and felt the sting of regret. Sometimes I miss the old me. The professional me. I was SOMEBODY. But now, to somebody, I am EVERYTHING. I have to remind myself of this. I think we all have those feelings at one time or another though.

Things I wish people told me before I became a parent?
1. That I would most likely have to fight medical professionals for basic rights of human dignity.
2. That sleep deprivation is the most vicious form of torture there is. It changes who you are, and can be very scary. Coffee will be your best friend.

That's about all I can think of right now, I haven't had my first coffee of the day yet, but I'll return if anything comes to mind.

Oh yes!
3. I'll second Arcadia's mention of the change in your lifestyle vs the change in your partner's life. I had no idea that his life would remain mostly intact and the way it was....... but mine is completely different. He can up and go out any time, he goes to work at the same job he had before (the place I used to work!! which makes me feel a little isolated), he sees my old friends every day, and I don't. That was hard at first but I'm used to it now. I enjoy being somewhat of a hermit crab, all tucked up at home safe and sound with my little boy.

[forshelby]

Teni - I just want to add that no apology is neccesary. Your raw anguish is nothing to be ashamed of, or sorry for. Your post took my breath away, and my heart hurts for you, honey. Nobody should ever have to say goodbye to their precious baby. You have every right to feel the way you do, and I know I can't speak for everyone but................ I don't think anyone here would blame you for having a moment once in a while. You're an incredibly strong woman, and you inspire me in ways I can't even explain. I wish there was something I could do to take the pain away.

[Alexis83]

Hi guys, thanks again for answering my questions. :-)

Teni: I missed your original post, but I hope everything's OK. I'm someone that's very wont to have "moments", so feel free to let loose if you have something to say. Like I said, I appreciate people's honesty.

And yes, I am someone that overthinks things. Not just pregnancy-related things, but... everything. It's just who I am. =P

And I do worry a bit about the sleep deprivation thing because I'm someone that sleeps A LOT (to the point where I think my body's lacking something, or... something!). So I am a bit worried as to how I'd cope with that!

But I'm glad to hear that most people here think that the good sides outweigh the bad. That makes me feel a bit better. :-)

[Miss E]

I love being a mum, but gee sometimes I do miss the simplicity that was life when it was just DH and I... Mostly it's that there are very few things that you can do on an impulse these days. To give you an idea of the things I miss...

• having sex at random times during the day - now it's scheduled for after DS goes to bed and half the time I'm too tired
• being able to go out for dinner on an impulse
• having a big night - even when I get to indulge in a few drinks, you end up making sure you're in bed by midnight because no doubt your LO will be up by 5.30am
• sleeping in – my DS is up for the day at some time between 4am and 5.30am
• being able to duck out to the shops or duck out to do anything
• trying clothes on when I see something I like – prams and change rooms don't mix very well
• taking a little time out for 'me'
• having a house that stayed neat and tidy without me having to tidy it up twice a day
• making the effort to shave my legs regularly
• a manicure and pedicure every fortnight
• pumping up the volume in the car when one of my favourite songs comes on
• having a clean car and a backseat that isn't covered in cheerios, sultana's and goodness knows what else
• champagne saturday's with my BFF
• not having to share my snacks (or choose snacks for myself that I am happy for DS to eat - read: I miss burger rings)

Ok, so you asked for honesty... I think I'm having one of those days cos this turned into a bit of a pity post... But despite everything that you give up, I still wouldn't trade it for the world. It simply is the most rewarding thing you can every do (and the word 'rewarding' really doesn't do it justice!). And hey, I'm going back for seconds so that must say something!

GL for you TTC journey

[Rouge]

The horror stories. When you are pregnant or even contemplating becoming pregnant everyone has to tell you about how horrible a newborn is, how awful toddlerdom is, how awful pregnancy is, how awful birth is, how awful breastfeeding is.

It's not awful. It's amazing. I see it like I do cooking. Imagine if someone asked how you made such an amazing meal and all you did was focus on the dishes?

Yes I've had bad days as a parent, and I've had one not-so-awesome birth and one awesome birth, I breastfed one child and not the other. I had one child that was a good sleeper and one that wasn't. But after two children, for me, what was the biggest difference was perspective. DD was a good sleeper at the time I thought she wasn't. Then I had DS and he was a shocking sleeper but I was ok with it, and it didn't stress me out as I just went with the flow and it worked for us.

My point is, try not to focus on the negatives. Sure there are plenty of horror stories out there, and it is always great to be prepared. But you'd be better off asking how people overcame the hard times of parenting than just focusing on the negative iykwim? Or you'll be a ball of stress before you've even conceived.

[jackrose]

Teni, I agree with forshelby, she is spot on, no need for an apology.

What you have been through as a parent in loosing Ianto can absolutely be regarded as the downside to parenting. Your answer yesterday was a very honest one and although it may be painful to read, nothing could compare with the pain you have been through. You have a right to share. When I read your post yesterday I was very moved. Like a raw shot of pain from a place I never knew existed in my heart. I was also impressed that you put it out there and that you continue to talk about what you went though. Your experience is a reality for a lot of parents out there and deserves remembrance.

As for the OP question, I think it is a very good one to ponder, especially if you are someone who likes to be prepared. Thinking that parenting is going to be a piece of cake and all sunshine and roses could lead to a very rude reality check when your baby arrives and all you have done is prepare for the birth. Going in with eyes open to the realities, good and bad can be very wise. What is good about posing this question here, to a range of mothers is that there are a range of responses, and some common experiences. Everyone talks about how things will change but unless you have specific examples, it is hard to grasp exactly how they will affect you. Maybe some of the responses will inspire you to have some discussions with your Dh before you get pregnant about how you will both work the reality of having a baby.

I know that for me, it is the relationship with my DH that has been the downside. I have been amazed and sometimes quite angry at how he fails to engage, get involved and assist in the parenting. I feel a real lack of support from him and that has been a real challenge for me. It has affected our relationship and I do mourn the way we got along before kids. The good thing is that he is finding it easier to get involved as the girls get older so I figure it can only improve but I wish I knew I would practically be raising these kids single handedly before we began this journey so I could have negotiated a better system!

[Liz]

with DS he can be the biggest turdface there is all day

PMSL! Yes, kids can be the most awful little people sometimes I'm sure there's plenty of complaints and whinges coming from me about the kids all over my facebook LOL, but I still wouldn't label that as a downside to parenting. I've been sitting here trying to think of an actual down side to it and can't think of any.. I think I'll leave it like that.. no point MAKING myself feel some downsides. I'm similar to another poster that I power through sleep deprivation and nappy changes. Neither affect me that greatly, and we've had TERRIBLE sleepers and little poo machines!

PZ - I've never been to a mums & bubs session at the movies. I just put bub in the HAB She's coming along to Mary Poppins in October too... I don't care what anybody says! Bigger kids take more forward planning than a bub I reckon. ETA: We don't actually go to a lot of movies, and I do try to go without bub.. but right now, if I felt the inclination to go, I'd just take her

I've always found time to myself when they're asleep (there's a tip - have kids that still have a day sleep at the age of 5 haha) but yes, as they're getting older, when they're all home, it's more full on.

OK - I have a downside It takes forever to get in and out of the car! And you don't actually realise this until you go somewhere child-free and you can just get out the car, lock it and walk away!

I just read the rest of the replies, and I guess I was nodding my head at some of them.. sleeping in, my now saggy baggy body LOL... but seriously, everything is worth it.

being a parent is awesome even when it feels like crap

That sums it up nicely

[Livinthedream]

For me, the worst part of being a parent is the stress when your child is sick/hurt. When they cough and go red and purple, when you hear them fall and then no other sound. Every single one of the most teriffiying(sp) moments of my life have been as a parent.
I dont think anything can prepare you for that.

[Gigi]

i was the older first time mum, and thought i would gag about the changing the nappy thang. To my surprise, as soon as my baby arrived, it hit me how reliant she was on me, if I didn't change her and keep her bottom clean, no=one would and then she would get sick, so instead of dreading the nappy change, i just thought of it as keeping her healthy. I must admit, using a Little Squirt (water hose attachment on the toilet) to deal with the nappy contents (we used modern cloth nappies on her), made it so easy, i do not think i would have found it as straightforward, without that Little squirt. Probably the most useful baby thing i bought, for her early years (nb to 2.5yrs, when she tt-d). Something i used EVERYDAY and EVERYNIGHT, she pooped 12 x a day as a young bub - that sounds alot doesn't it? but even me, with my squeamish ways, coped with that - although i do give the Little Squirt ALOT of the credit.

The corny stuff, about it "all being worthwhile when your little poppet smiles at you, or runs up for a cuddle" - it really is true.

I thought BEFORE my child, that i was a unselfish person. i now realise, the MOST unselfish i have ever been, is since i had my child. The amount of time you put your child first, go without yourself, put your child's needs first - i have never been THAT unselfish ever before in my life. You have to work it out eventually, to have SOMETHING for yourself, for your own sanity, but that is tiny, in comparison to what you got to do (for yourself) before. Maybe that varies with how much support you have, we have no grandparents for example.

i am very glad i had my child, even though, we have had and continue to have challenges (recent family breakup especially). I'm not religious, but i do feel like my child is a blessing, everyone says "wait until they are a teenager" - but meh, all i can do is focus on the right now, at the moment.

[roses]

Downsides??? Hmmmmm...... Maybe the day I'm having right now. Both boys awake (and up!) far far too early (5.40am), both cranky as they need more sleep. Both played up while grocery shopping but I had to go as there is nothing in the house at all. Neither would eat lunch (tiredness to blame again i imagine) Now I'm trying to settle both for a well needed nap and I'm going from one room to the other and back again as they both scream for 'mummy' ......and hubby may only just make it home for a story and maybe 15 mins tops with them. In a nutshell the downsides are days like this that go from the moment they wake until they go to bed again at night. Days like this can almost send you insane!
In saying that - all I need is one good day and I can forget about all those bad days.
Ahhhhhh silence. While I've been writing this they have gone to sleep. See - all worth it!

[Liz]

LOL - roses - we had a weekend like that! Maybe it's a bit like birth, once you get through it you forget how bad it was

[krysalyss]

Yes there are downsides…For me they were/are:

1. The feeling of losing your identity. I felt like I no longer knew who I was
2. The fatigue of trying to fit everything in. Especially if you combine roles like mum and work
3. Sometimes when DS is in a naughty mood (e.g. hitting, calling names, screaming) I feel like I am in an abusive relationship.
4. Mummy guilt. It can feel like nothing you do is enough or right.

There are upsides as well of course

[sloane]

i'm not sure there is anything yet i'd call a negative - challenges there have been a few but nothing truly negative that would have changed my mind about having a child. i don't think there's anything i wish anyone had told me before i had my DS. i read BB whilst we were TTC & i was PG but i don't think alot of it sinks in until you're actually living it! i think the most valuable thing is the experiences & advice people share once you actually have a baby. by this i mean advice/exp that is asked for (for e.g. on bb) - not all the unrequested crap people feel the need to share

one of the biggest challenges for me so far is not having any feedback on how i'm going - i was 35 when i had DS & was doing ok work-wise. i didn't always enjoy my job but i had constant feedback & i knew i was doing ok. there was also recognition for my work. perhaps i'm superficial & selfish, but once you're a full time mum, there's very little feedback (other than a screaming or sleeping baby!) & baby comes first. i like to know i'm doing a good job - nowadays i feel like i'm winging it most of the time & just hope i'm getting it right

life is definitely (obviously!) different but it's not worse (for me). friendships can change, your outlook on life may change (i hate seeing sad news stories now & feel so much more empathy when hearing about anything to do with children), you don't always get to do the things you used to but i have found many new friends & i have adapted to - and enjoy - the changes.

good luck with your ttc journey

[~Hestia~]

I haven't read any of the replies so apologies if I'm repeating people Some things I have struggled with since becoming a parent are:

- sleep deprivation. When DS was a newborn I would get very anxious as the sun started setting, he was very unsettled overnight and I did find that hard to cope with.
- nothing is a given anymore. Plans change or get cancelled. For someone that likes to know what to expect this is still hard for me. Simple things like ordering pizza and getting a DVD to watch with DH can fall by the wayside, odds are DS will wake up just as we start the movie! You do get used to it but personally I still find that frustrating
- the constant interruptions! I feel like I never get to see something through to the end anymore, whether that be a thought or some household chore. Just this morning I was trying to tell DH something funny that had happened and gave up in the end, I couldn't finish a sentence without DS wanting something!
- never knowing if you're doing the right thing. Good ol' mummy guilt!
- never being alone. I can't even go to the loo by myself or have a shower on my own. Having to take DS into change rooms and deal with his tantrums while I'm just trying to buy a new top nearly makes it not even worth it at times!

I'd probably call these challenges rather than negatives though. And while there are times I just want to run screaming from the house, it just takes one giggle from DS to make me feel like it's all worth it