ADVICE needed: Talking about death with very young children

[RoyaUK]

I received very sad news today that my 3 yr old's kinder teacher has died (heart attack), yesterday i think. She was due to see her next on Monday.

How do i talk to my 3yr & 5 yr old about it? my 3 yr old loved her teacher so much, i don't know how to start the conversation or what to say

[Eenee]

No expert here but depending on your religion your beliefs in what happens when someone dies I'd teach her along those lines. If she's had a pet die you can say that she's gone to be in heaven like (insert pet name here). Tell her she was sick and that God chose her to be with him. Or gone up into the clouds. Something like that that's truthful enough without scaring her about death and dying. Oh don't even know whether I'm making sense. Kids need to learn about death sometime, because you could lie and say she's gone away but kids are smart and if she hears that something else happened that would complicate things.

[briggsy's girl]

i think Em's mention of your own beliefs is really important. if you are religious, you will approach it very differently (heaven etc) than if you're not

if you want simplistic terms, perhaps just explain that she was very sick, and she can't be at kinder anymore. you can mention that she died, and only go into more depth if you feel it's needed. only you will know what your children will grasp best.

i know my IL's said to their three year old that BIL had gone to heaven when he died. she didnt' understand that (not religious and it had never been explained) - when they went to view him before the funeral, the three year old said "i didn't know heaven was in (town name)" - she simply didn't understand when it wasn't explained in terms she got kwim?

[RoyaUK]

Thanks, yes, we're not religious at all and i believe in being honest with the kids so i think i need to say that she was sick and died (and not just sick) but i wish my baby girls didn't have to learn about this so young. I know my 5 yr old is going to have many questions that will probably throw me too and i feel quite unprepared.

[megs]

Is the kindegarton, or Dept of Education organising some form of counselling for the children. I can only imagine this would be quite confronting for the entire kinder group especially so late in the year. Just thinking that they may have some good advice to give.

[skybie]

We took the honesty approach when telling DD1 that DS had died, no sugar coating no anything. Just plain and simple,Jack has died and wont be coming home to live with us, its ok to be sad and to cry ect.
At this age, it is something that needs to be repeated, but always keep it simple and honest, Teacher has died and she is now in heaven and wont be coming back, reitterating that its ok to be upset and cry.
It gets frustrating, but theres no confusion if u keep it honest and simple, all the best

[beckoes]

When DHs mother died when DD1 was 1yr old she was too young to understand, obviously! but over time as she has got older we have talked about Nanna and i sort of add a bit more every few months to meet her understanding level. We tell her that although we can think about Nanna and always love her we cant see or touch her any more. she got sick and died. it was only in the last few weeks that we talked about 'spirits' as she heard it somewhere else. im not religious.
it might be an idea to tell them seperatly as they will probably react very differently , and like you said you eldest will have questions that might confuse the 3yr old.

sorry that you have to deal with this, so sad for the kids to loose someone like this!!

[myturn]

There's a great story book called "lifetimes" and it talks about how everything has a lifetime, animals, plants etc "even the smallest ant" They are born, they live and then they die. I would strongly suggest reading this to them.

Stick the following into a search engine: Beginnings and Endings with Lifetimes in Between: Authors: Robert Ingpen & Bryan Mellonie

Small children in particular don't actually understand the abstract concept of heaven etc - although certainly you should talk about what you actually believe - but heaven is still a "place" and the concept of a place that you cannot go is difficult to explain and for children to understand.

It is also okay to say to children that "you don't know" so if you can't answer a question - or it takes you by surprise and don't now how to answer, you can say - "hmm, that's a tricky one, let me think about it - can you ask me again tomorrow?" (and they may - or may not! - actually ask you) it gives you time to think of how you want to answer.

It's great that you are thinking through what you might say, but you can't plan for every question! So just go with the flow, and be okay with not knowing or not being able to answer! (eventually our kids will learn we don't know everything anyway!!) lol

Good luck! let us know how you go

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Although it's hard, children seem to cope with the idea better than expected in most cases. They cry and then get on with life. Timescales are hard to grasp at this stage so not seeing someone for a few days feels the same as not for a few months - or forever. Although it's hard, they will get by and it won't scar them for life.

[myturn]

The flying butter..... oops... thanks

I'll just play the newbie card....

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Lalala - not being a ruley rules person at all...

[myturn]

lol... was already there!!

[Just Me]

There's a book called "Old Pig" by Magaret Wild that touches on the issues of death and celebrating life and what people leave us to remember them by. It does use the story of a grandmother and granddaughter, but the idea behind it is losing a loved one. It could be a really nice story to share with your girls in the coming weeks. Your local library might have it or you might be able to get it through an online book supplier. Don't know about finding it instore ...

[Ginger]

is the book 'the old pig' or 'lifetimes' religious at all? i would like to explain more about death to ds1 as he is very interested in it and asks me questions about it all the time but would prefer a non-religious viewpoint.

[Kmn]

They had 'old pig' on playschool a while ago - it's not religious. But it does have the general idea of I've done lots of things and seen lots of things and loved lots of things and now i'm dying - so it may not work for explaining "unexpected" death.
You may also find that your DD forgets a lot that her teacher has died - it took my DS many months to understand that he wasn't going to be able to talk to or play with or phone my Dads partner after her death. And he still occasionally suggests going to visit her.

[myturn]

is the book 'the old pig' or 'lifetimes' religious at all? i would like to explain more about death to ds1 as he is very interested in it and asks me questions about it all the time but would prefer a non-religious viewpoint.

Lifetimes is not religious at all, it just explains that birth, life and death are all a natural part of life - it doesn't say what happens when you die, or where you go or anything, just that everything has a lifetime.

I work as a psychologist with children and find it's a great resource in my schools to explain death simply.