How do you promote a positive self image within your daughter?

[Isadora]

Been doing some reading on this topic lately and it has caught my interest. I have a 4 yr old DD. Lately she has been saying things like 'I cant eat this mum or I will get really big' and she also pointed out an overweight person in the shops and told me he was 'so big because he ate too much food'. I must admit, she has learnt this from me. I have been talking to her about eating healthy foods and why we need to do so etc. Though, I am now wondering if I have taken this too far, should a 4 yr old be thinking these thoughts? Obviously I dont want her to become paranoid about what foods she can eat and I know this behaviour could lead to further problems like an eating disorder. Also I have been reading about monitoring what you say to young girls to ensure that they dont grow up believing their appearance is everything. So balancing out the 'cute and beautiful' compliments with 'smart and clever'.

So what do other mums of young girls think? What do you do to promote a positive self image within your daughter?

[Nai]

I think you really need to steer clear of "attractivenss" based references especially with food. We say that food is everyday food, sometimes food or special occasion food. "Sometimes food" isn't good for your tummy (makes you feel sick if you eat too much) or bad for your teeth (can make you get cavities etc) so that is why you can't eat it all the time.

Although DD1 does come out with things about "fat" and "exercise" and understands that people exercise because they don't want to get fat we have been trying to drill into her that exercise is for getting fit, staying strong and being healthy. She does get it. It is really hard but trying to focus on other things such as creativity, intelligence, humour, friendliness, kindness etc as compliments for your DD (and yourself!) over physical compliments is better at building self-esteem.

The problem is that other people and kids make comments and these seem to stick! I think all you can do is keep re-inforcing the positives and not focusing on the things that you don't want emphasised.

[nothing2lose]

I have always told my DD how beautiful she is (inside and out) and how inner beauty is more important and healthy is best, blah, blah, blah...the usual sort of stuff. She is nine, quite tall and weighs 28 kgs (so very slender). She came home from dancing the other day upset that one of the other girls was teasing her for being fat Then it started.. 'i can't wear X because it makes me look fat'.... Honestly, I lost it. I got angry at her for saying it and said I never want to hear her say anything like that again. I spoke to the dance teacher and she was going to speak to the girl/s involved.

In short, I think it's hard. In our society which is so looks obsessed, kid, even adults, need to be very resilient and confident not to succumb to feelings of inadequacy. All we can do is try to reinforce positive messages of self worth and pray they stick.

[Babyluv]

I will be talking to DD about the importance of eating good, healthy foods to fuel our bodies and minds. We have sometimes foods and all the time foods. I grew up in a household where my mum was always on a diet and I have struggled with body issues for as long as I can remember. I refuse to do that to my dd. There will be no diet speak, no I'm fat speak If I think I'm getting pudgy I will more likely say something like I haven't been eating foods that are good for my body lately I want to eat more fresh healthy foods etc. It's alot to do with leading by example I think. Eat well in front of your dd she will do the same. If exercise is a part of your day to day that is what she will know as normal. If you have a healthy relationship with food, exercise & your body then she will too. I teach dance to littlies and two weeks ago one of my four yr olds said she had fat thighs, I was gobsmacked. There is so much importance placed on looks, skinny = beauty and that's not right. Little girls need to be taught the importance of who they are not how they look. I always make the effort of telling my daughter she is so clever, so good at this or that because I don't want her to feel she only receives attention for being cute, pretty etc. Sorry for the ramble hehe. Just my two cents

[krysalyss]

I agree that you need to focus on the health aspects of why to eat or not eat certain foods and using sometimes food etc is a good way of explaining it. Also to make sure that you don't say the same things about yourself that she will pick up on. They will learn from their peers as well though and that part you can't really control just try to battle with your own views I guess.

[Trillian]

Chuck out anything related to disney princesses for a start! I'm serious - they are the worst stories ever for perpetuating the whole thing about beautiful girls get the man. Teaching kids about eating the *right* foods is OK, but it could start issues with food guilt and hatred. If you say you can't eat xyz because it isn't good for you, over time that can instill in the child that "OMG, that food is bad but I love eating it" and then they feel bad about themselves when they eat it. I don't worry about food too much and doing 'sometimes' food etc, but teaching them to make smarter choices about the food they eat and eating in moderation. The problem I see with categorising food is that you can still have problems if you eat large amounts of 'good' foods kwim.

As for positive self image. I work on problems when they come up. Lately DD1 will call DD2 fat, and she knows that she isn't fat at all! She just likes saying it because she knows it hurts her sisters feelings. So I tell her how ridiculous it is to say things like that. Unfortuately they will be influenced by others as they get older and go to school. I do what the others have said too. I think it is also important for daughters to see how WE present ourselves to the world too. EG, I don't shave anymore because I don't want the girls to have it reinforced that women *must* shave. And I don't wear makeup or have to be done up before I can be seen in public. Doesn't mean I get around like a slob or a hobo - far from it, but I dont' want the girls to think they have to make themselves look a certain way to be presentable because if they don't fit that mould, then that's when the problems can start.

[AnyDream]

Fantastic thread!

Re food, we've always tried to be careful about striking a balance between teaching that some foods are healthier than others but without laying too much value-judgement over the top. Sometimes food vs Everyday food is a good way for small kids, as they get older you can teach about 'nutritious' foods vs empty calories, so you make it about the inherent value in the food, not what it will do for fatness or thinness (because food is only one part of that equation, the other parts are exercise, rest/sleep, emotional wellbeing/management of stress). DD1 is a bit older now (13) so I'll be introducing some incidental discussion about energy density of foods and portion control, but within the framework of it being about balance, not restriction, and about health, not appearance, and within the context of food preparation (eg, it's really not pleasant to wade through a huge rich meal, it's much more enjoyable to have a little of the rich stuff balanced by other things).

The very best thing you can do is try to really understand the person your DD is, and talk to her as whole person and not just a little girl. Talk to her about what she enjoys doing and what she feels good at, and take an interest in that. Loving yourself (as you are right now) and knowing what you enjoy doing and talking about is just as important. Having a wide range of interests and activities yourself will help model what being female is all about, too. With my older DD, I also talk about where she wants to invest her energy. Looking like a million dollars has less value when you compare it too raising a million dollars to cure cancer, or even working on finding a cure for cancer yourself.

[nothing2lose]

One thing I find really hard to juxtapose is my values (which I pass on to DD) about inner beauty, etc and the reality of the cold harsh, superficial world where, often, looks are important, 'things' do matter, etc.
I won't compromise my values but sometimes I fret i am setting her up for disappointment and a horrible whack from reality

[wysiwyg]

I read something the other day on this which I found very interesting. It was making the point that if you always say smart, intelligent and never say beautiful or pretty etc it can reinforce the myth that you are either smart or beautiful/pretty but not both. So like everything is about balance, don't always focus on intelligence or beauty try to comment on both. As a kid I thought I was really ugly, people always commenting on intelligence, but I had no issues with lack of self-esteem about my intelligence but I did about my appearance, I was not ugly at all just average - but I never saw that prob till I went to uni. Whether we like it or not in this world appearance does matter and is important I think to have believe/value your self in all aspects.

[AnyDream]

One thing I find really hard to juxtapose is my values (which I pass on to DD) about inner beauty, etc and the reality of the cold harsh, superficial world where, often, looks are important, 'things' do matter, etc.
I won't compromise my values but sometimes I fret i am setting her up for disappointment and a horrible whack from reality

Not really, because when you have a healthy sense of self esteem it's much easier to withstand whatever the cold hard world throws at you.

[LuluHB]

In regards to food we talk about it in terms of what makes us grow big and strong, gives us energy to run, good for our eyes for seeing things etc. My kids eat their fair share of junk food and it isn't associated with weight, but not doing good things for us. We acknowledge that it does taste yummy though.

DD1 especially is starting to talk about looking beautiful in a particular dress, or when her hair is done or something and I always tell her that yes she does, but that while it is a pretty dress or whatever, its her that's beautiful and not what she's wearing. We talk about people coming in all sorts of shapes, sizes and colours but that none of that makes a person beautiful or good - its what that person does and how they behave. Dolls, tv shows etc that show "plastic" people are discussed as being silly cos that's not what really people are like.

This is something that really terrifies me, especially when my DH has three sisters and all of them are nutjobs when it comes to skinny=beautiful. One SIL spent her wedding reception with her head in the toilet because she had eaten literally nothing all week One of my nephews, at 9, is told by his father in front of the entire family that its good he is now doing more swimming because he was starting to look really fat but now his body is good. Two other nephews argue over who is the skinniest like that is the be all and end all. I am overweight, and except for a brief patch when I got a little nuts and ended up at 42kgs, always have been. My DH is a beanpole who can eat what he wants and never gain weight. My DH will frequently tell me how beautiful I am (God love him) and I think that is a huge thing for my daughters to witness and hopefully offsets a little of the extended family influence.

At the moment its easier because my DDs both think their mummy knows absolutely everything and what I say is right. I know that will change as they get older and spend more time with others, and I can only hope that we continue with good communication and they grow up with a sensible, balanced understanding.

[fionas]

My mum very rarely commented on her own appearance or on my appearance and I think that has shaped me in a good way. It just doesn't enter my head a lot of the time. I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've commented on DD's appearance in her whole life. She gets lots of compliments when she is kind to people, polite etc. but I sooooooo want to avoid making her think of her appearance.

In terms of food/TV, we tell her that if she wants to run fast and jump high then she should eat x foods and that y foods are bad for your teeth and mean you can't run as fast or jump as high.

That works.

We NEVER talk about food in terms of fat or thin. That is getting a bit too close to focusing on appearance in my view plus I heard too may tweenagers in the changing rooms asking their mum if they look fat. Appalling that an eight-year-old is even thinking about that.

[MamaPan]

whilst i think this is obviously a really critical issue for girls I think it is also important for boys. for their own sense of self and how they view/treat women.
I emphasis the health benefits of foods, try not to use foods a rewards and try to set an example for the boys with healthy eating and exercise. I am v honest about the qualities of foods - i tell them which vitamins they have, what qualities they have e.g. chicken has lots of proteinm which is good for helping you grow muscles and helping you not feel too hungry when you just ate... cheese has lots of calcium bc it comes from milk (which also has lots of calcium) this is really good for your bones and keeps them strong... oranges have lots of vit c which helps you not get sick when bugs are going around, nuts have lots of good oils which help keep your skin and nails and hair healthy etc etc etc. the boys LOVE this info - the more the better. It was esp cute when DS1 asked for some nuts beofre his last hair cut so his hair would be healthy ready for it!
in terms of feeling good about themselves as whole people - i think offer priase about all elements = physical, emotional, creative, intellectual. for example - that shirt makes you look so lovely - the colour looks great with your olive skin but also praise - i was so proud of you when you helped your friend carry their backpack into kinder or something along those lines. also point out great things (on all levels) about others. oen of my friends does affirmations with her daughter each night - i am thinking about doing the same.
My DS mentioned he thought someone wasnt pretty. rather than say 'yes she is' i spoke to him about how some people think some things are pretty and others think others are - for example he may think an iris is the prettiest flower but aniother person would think a rose is, or he may like the look of one painting but someone else likes another. i did tell him that saying that to a person may hutrt their feelings - just like he would be hurt if someone said they didnt like his picture - so it is ok to think it, but it is nicer not to say it! i also asked him what are the best things about that person - and he told me how funny she is!
ok i am rambling

[nothing2lose]

Of course it can backfire on you.

A couple of months ago I was looking in the mirror after getting dressed and totally unprompted, DD said, "Dont worry mum. You're beautiful on the inside".

Nothing like the truth to knock you down

(i keep meaning to ask my fertility specialist if it's true!! )

[MistyFying]

I think it's also important not to give them unrealistic expectations... We've all seen how that ends up on shows like Idol, where some kid has been told all their life that they're the best singer/dancer/ performer etc, where very obviously their strengths lie elsewhere and they've been misguided by those who love them telling them they're fabulous at singing.

[Jennifer13]

I believe the example I set is key. So I never criticise my own appearance or communicate worry about how I look. I never connect my feelings to my body image. I try not to focus too much on the importance of looks. No taking hours to get ready, although I make sure I'm well groomed! Brushing teeth before you go out is more important than lip gloss, for example. I've never dieted or denied myself food as a link to getting fat. I exercise in front of her and I make sure my focus is on a healthy way to live, with a good level of activity and healthy eating habits. I don't snack on processed foods so neither does she.

By the same token, like others have said, we do promote the idea that some foods will make you sick if you eat too much. One vomit after a party once just proved Mummy was telling the truth!

[minniemouse]

there was an article i was reading the other day about this topic, it was in a newspaper & was about Kate Winslet and how she deals with this with her daughter, i don't know if i can link it, i don't even know how to if i can ?

[Babyluv]

In regards to food we talk about it in terms of what makes us grow big and strong, gives us energy to run, good for our eyes for seeing things etc. My kids eat their fair share of junk food and it isn't associated with weight, but not doing good things for us. We acknowledge that it does taste yummy though.

DD1 especially is starting to talk about looking beautiful in a particular dress, or when her hair is done or something and I always tell her that yes she does, but that while it is a pretty dress or whatever, its her that's beautiful and not what she's wearing. We talk about people coming in all sorts of shapes, sizes and colours but that none of that makes a person beautiful or good - its what that person does and how they behave. Dolls, tv shows etc that show "plastic" people are discussed as being silly cos that's not what really people are like.

Spot on