Raising a child between two very different cultures
Sorry if this post doesn't fit into this category, I have just spent ages trying to find the right one and gave up before I forgot what I was going to say!
Has anyone had any experience raising a child between two very different cultures/countries? I am contemplating sharing our time between Australia and East Africa, where my sons father and family live. I have just been there for a month, and am planning my next trip back, this time for three months. I plan to continue doing this as long as it is feasible, going back and forth for a few months at a time while my son is growing up.
Positives I have thought of so far include DS growing up bilingual, exposure to lifestyles of many people less well off than he is, so empathy development, understanding that the world is a bigger place than his own town, having a happier mama (my heart is in that country), and growing up knowing his family and their culture, and importantly for me as a single mum, being able to afford a cook/cleaner and a nanny to help out so that I can still do my work from home (sewing etc), and for me, being able to do volunteer work and also having a better social life (it's hard sometimes, I am new to a small town and don't know many people, and I love the expat lifestyle) .
Negatives I have thought about, increased risk of diseases like malaria (though preventable), instability from moving a lot.
I practise attachment/gentle parenting, and I read something in the Continuum Concept about travelling (I can't find the quote as I lent the book to a friend), something about you as the parent being the main thing in bubs life, so wherever you are it doesn't matter, you are the one constant. I wish I had the book so I could quote, but generally it was something like that.
I'm looking for any more positives/negatives, this is a huge thing to weigh up.. and hopefully someone has personal experience with this they could please share
I have no expertise but i knew a kid who spent a lot of time in Australia and Iraq (or Saudi Arabia, or both?? can't remember exactly), went to highschool etc in both countries, and in Australia, in school, we was a bit strange, didn't really fit in or appear to want to, was very hard to get to know.. He often talked about how different the countries are..
I think he was just a quiet, deep thinking person in general, but in my opinion the exposure to any culture that is SO different to Australia (Australia being so peaceful, with full government benefits, no poverty, democracy etc) makes it hard for kids to assimilate in either place. Or they grow up loving one and hating the other..
I also have twin cousins who live in Singapore and Australia half half every year, they are 10 years old and have made NO friends in school in Australia, and teachers have said they tend to isolate themselves.
But your DS is only young! I think it would only really matter at primary school age and then on.
I guess it also depends on your son's father. Is there a chance he will try to keep you overseas? What are the laws in that country in relation to children's arrangements and relocation? I'd look at all that before I made any sort of decision.
Turtlescell - that's one of my big worries, that he'll end up not fitting in anywhere But like you said, he is only young and by the time he is at school I may decide to settle somewhere.
Divvy - I had thought about that but I haven't looked into any legalities yet. I doubt very much that my sons father will try to keep DS there. He is interested and wants to know him but I think he is far too immature and irresponsible to even think about being a proper parent and wanting him to stay. He did mention though getting dual citizenship for DS, but I think that will be very hard to get as he is not named on his birth certificate as his father so we really have no documented proof that he is of Tanzanian descent.
I think it's a wonderful idea.
If it's not working you can always stop doing it. My cousins lived in 5 different countries during their school years and they are very sociable and well adjusted. I have a few friends who grew up moving to whatever country their parents were stationed in and on the whole they were pretty well adjusted.
We've taken our children OS for a long time and intend to do so again.
Dh is chinese and I am euro. I had DS1 at home and when he was about 18mth I got preg with DS2 so we moved to China as DH wanted to come home and his family wanted to see the kid/s etc. We have just had baby #3. We initally agreed to come here for 5 years then re-asses the situation. Its coming up to 5 years now and I am well and ready to come home but dh is not- his company has taken alot long to get going then what we had thought and the funds just arent there for us to come home. I have said before DS1 goes to high school we must return as I dont want them going through the high school system here.
Our kids can speak 3 languages (mandarin, local dialect and english) so that is really awsome. At school they get mandarin and at home we have english satallite tv and speak mostly english. When we came home for a month last year the kids had no trouble adjusting to the AU lifestyle but have found it hard to re-adjust to the chinese way, DS1 constantly says he wants to go back to au (sigh)
Health is always an issue when in a different country- you will need to make sure you get all the local vacinations.
I would look at his family too- not just him, as to wether or not they may try to keep you/ your son there. Family has a big pull. and if you are in the picture it may be hard for him to move on to a new relationship and have more children so the family may cling abit.- also it may prevent you from starting a new relationship- and if you did how would ex-partners family react? and how would new partners family react to pre-existing child? some cultures are not very open about this type of thing when it comes down to the line
I would advise making sure you always have enough money to get you and your son on a plane home- should you need to (sounds a bit negative but anything can happen and you may need to come home fast)
As for 6mths in 1 country and 6 in another- IMO, I think thats not great for kids and most people that get moved around alot as kids will tell you its not great. They can never form any real connections, and if they do, they are then broken quickly when they have to relocate. (this is why we decided a lengthy stay was better). Its different for adults, we have learnt to make friends, how to interact with people on different levels etc but kids need time to learn these things.
If I left dh tomorrow, I would live in the country that gave the best options for the child/children- health, social, family, school, lifestyle etc (i'd write a pro and con list) In my case Au would win and the kids would come back to china once a year for new year (for 2-4 weeks) and family is welcome to come vist us.
It is an indivual choice, 1 that only you can make, and I think most mummys would have a gut feeling about where was best for their kids and themselves.
Good luck, its a hard choice to make. Like you say a huge thing to weigh up.
Feel free to pm me more if you wanna talk
Your son is very young and personally at this age I don't think it would be an issue - kids are very adaptable - later on in school life the chopping and changing might be harder for him to adjust to - but I would think till about 7 or 8 at least would be fine. I think the benefits would outweigh any negatives myself. Schooling might come into play at some point but that would be later. I agree with what you read, about you being the constant. We intend on spending a year overseas travelling round Europe in a couple of years, and if work situation allows it would also love to spend a couple of years working in Europe somewhere. I am from the UK, but have also lived in Spain, and travelled round Aus before moving here and I think is great experience. You are likely to be going back and forth between the same places right? So although contact is broken, 6 months here 6 months there - it isn't like starting in a totally new place every six months, and with the internet you can keep in contact really well these days. My kids don't see their UK family for years but they still have a good bond through using web cam etc etc.
Onyx - thank you. that's true, I can always just settle in Aus if it's not working out.
double trouble - thanks, there's some very good advice in your post. I think its fantastic your kids can speak three languages, so many benefits for them. As for the family, I have only just met them and they don't seem like they would try to make us stay, but really how could I know, I don't know them very well. Me being there would have no effect on my little ones fathers relationships, but I have wondered how it would effect mine, and if being a single mum would rule me out completely for most men there. I'd say it would be hard for me. Great idea about putting flight money aside too, I'll remember that. The country with the best options for children is definitely Australia for me too, but I am just so drawn to Tanzania that I feel I need to give it a go.
wysiwyg - That's true, he is only young so I'm thinking I might be ok with short trips now, but when he is at school age maybe we'll spend the year in Aus and go to Tanzania for the 6 week year end school holidays maybe. A year travelling Europe sounds awesome, what a fantastic experience!
Raising a child between two very different cultures
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But like you said, he is only young and by the time he is at school I may decide to settle somewhere.
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