My Mum is indifferent to her grand daughter....help
Hiya,
I am posting this in the desperate hope someone can relate to my situation and offer me some wisdom (I have done an advance search for 'grandmother' but found nothing, in the forum so maybe no one else has this kind of problem with their mothers??!)
In a nut shell my mother is cold and unemotional towards my 8 month old daughter and it is simultaneously breaking my heart and making me fume. I am now really confused as she has just revealed some awful opinions and I really don't know how to deal with my feelings.
My Mum lives in the UK and by her nature is not a lovey dovey type of woman, but in the lead up to the birth I had heard from other people that my Mum 'excited and happy'. When I spoke to her on the phone I thought she sounded happy for me but definitely not excited., however as I know my Mum it didn't worry me too much. I was confident that the birth of her first grandchild would bring out her loving maternal side.(for decades my mum has professed a great love of babies, not that I have ever witnessed it)
When she arrived in Perth (5wks after the birth) I met her at the airport with Nelly sleeping in my arms, and she exclaimed 'oh she's gorgeous', and over her 4 weeks stay she warmed to her GD but was never tender. Again knowing my mum I was okish with this but since the moment she first saw Nelly nothing else complimentary, loving or grandmotherly has left her lips .Despite sending her loads of photos and info about Nelly she has not once said anything other than objective observations.(i.e oh her eyes are bluer)
My husband and I decided it would lovely to spend Nelly's first christmas with my mum as my MIL lives close to us , but over the past 5 months or so I have felt my mum to be increasingly ambivalent about seeing Nelly. She will ask me how she is but in a very matter of fact perfunctory manner,and not once has she said anything amunting to "I'm looking forward to seeing/holding my GD'
4 days ago my mum sent me a letter which started out very nicley telling me the family mood was really buoyant with so many things to look forward to at christmas. She then went on to list them : my husband and I coming over, my brothers wedding (he and his gf decided to get married as we would be in the country as would her sister who lives in US) brother's girlfriend's sister coming over and my mum moving house. No mention whatsoever of her grand daughter.
She then went on to apologise in advance for any irritability that may occur when we arrive at her house ( mum has modest house but we have all stayed there before without issue) I felt stabbed in the heart that her GD's first trip should not register in her thinking of up coming events. And that, as the only variable, her GD staying in her house was expected to make her irritable.
I took a few days to reply and I made sure the email sounded disappointed not angry. I asked her why was she not thrilled about the prospect of seeing her GD again and how come she did not factor in all this family excitement. It was quite a passionate email, and one with lots of questions about her feelings for her gd.
Her reply is what is making me write this post as I cannot come to terms with it.
She did not deny her indifference, and did not defend herself or answer any of my questions or even give any lame excuses.Instead she was quite furious with me and just said.....
'she is not an independant person yet and as such does not need to be named in a letter' and.....
'If you feel I am blase about Nelly's trip it is because she is only an infant who won't remember anything anyway'
Is this a normal response from a grandmother who hasn't seen her GD in 6 months? Am I getting this out of proportion or is my mum indeed cold hearted?
My big dilemma now is whether to still go to the UK as I feel my mum has shot down in flames the single reason for the trip.
My heart tells me not to put our daughter through the hell of long haul travel (24 hrs plane/6 hrs train to get to mums) only to be greeted by an indifferent grandmother. We wanted /expected to have a wonderful fun christmas but my mum has made it clear that she no point is making a fuss for the sake of a baby. I want to show Nelly off to our other (very loving) relatives and we have already spent a fortune getting things organised as you can imagine. I also don't want to miss my brother's wedding, ( even though it is only a tiny quick registry affair and we can't take part in the evening recpt because its in a town without any relative to babysit Nelly) but I am furious with my mum and am fairly sure that if this matter is not resolved I will blow up when I see her as I am so hurt. My husband knows my mum well and says she wont back down/apologise, indeed she no doubt sees nothing wrong in what she has said. BTW there are no other factors in my mums life to make her horrible, she is fit and healthy, comfortably off and not going through divorce/grieving etc.
Please can anyone offer me any advice.
I am so sorry for making this post so long, I could go on for pages more venting my frustration and heartache but I'd like a reply so must push submit.
If you get this far reading this thank you!
I understand how you feel. I personally wouldn't bother if it was just for your mum but since your brother is getting married perhaps you should. I wouldn't stay with your mum though. Good luck x
I know this is going to be a bit (cant think of the word) but she is english and they can be a bit unemotional my Dad is very much like this and we see my parents all the time. He loves my girls but never once has he even held either them.
I feel for you as it is very hard to be in that situation. Be reasured your Mum most likely loves her GD but not having daily contact means she feels a bit distanced from how she is and how she is growing. I hope this makes sence
Well, first let me say we're definitely not all chummy with our mums around here You haven't stumbled into perfect mother-daughter relationship territory
Second, it sounds like for all her insisting she is, your Mum's not at all a baby person. Some people just aren't, and it can vary. One of my brothers sees my daughter as a person, can talk to her, but hasn't been able to touch her (other than a kiss on the cheek) since she was two weeks old. He's "not a baby person" too, just a different kind.
Third, I personally wouldn't want to spend time with a grandparent so indifferent, but that's me. Pretty much, you don't even pretend to like my kid, you're not worthy to see them
Ah hun, it's a sucky situation to be in - my mum wasn't overly grandmotherly towards my DD for quite a while and didn't even have the majorly long distance thing to contend with. Mind you, I know that in my situation it was largely to do with her being a bit disappointed still that I'd had her so young instead of going to uni etc (I was 21). She did eventually come around when DD was about 8 or 9 months old though.
I'd suggest go and spend time with the relatives that are looking forward to meeting your DD, if possible maybe stay elsewhere and just let your mum come around on her own terms. Being ambivalent towards a newborn I can understand, they really don't "do" all that much or interact, whereas when she's face to face with your now 8 month old who is smiling, babbling and possibly beginning to be mobile, it could be a very different story. But even if it isn't, try to enjoy your time with your family, your mum may just not be all that much of a baby person but become a lot more involved as bub gets older
My parents are the world's best grandparents (and they're both English so I don't agree with it being a nationality thing), but my in-laws are the world's worst. I noticed a photo of MIL holding DD and the look on her face was as if she was holding a wet fish. When I looked into it further, every single photo is the same! They're just not interested in their grandchildren in the slightest. It hurt me greatly for a long time and angered me on behalf of my DDs and my DH, but TBH I am now working towards just accepting that that is how they are, and in the end its their loss to not have a great relationship with their granddaughters.
I'm sorry you're not having the reaction from your mum that you and your little girl deserve. I agree with the others that you should still go and enjoy your brother's wedding, but don't try and push the relationship with your mum. At the end of it, you know how incredibly precious your little girl is and anyone else who doesn't embrace that doesn't deserve your time.
I do relate. I truly think it's a self-preservation thing because you live so far away. Your mum will have done the maths and figured out she will see you x amount of times before she dies and her granddaughter will never really know her.
My parents live in Sydney, not as far away and we see them several times a year. My mum was never as bad as yours, but it wasnt until recently that she really took much interest in my son. She never really played with him and always said "if you let me get my hands on him" as if it was me stopping her from getting to know him, but I would gladly accept help.
When I was in hospital after giving birth to my daughter, my parents spent a lot of time with my son and that's when they finally got to know him. Finally mum's walls came down and she's completely besotted with both my kids, gushing about them constantly.
My mil, however, has been completely and utterly disinterested in my daughter. My inlaws live in the USA. I think she is probably more like your mum and can't handle the distance.
I would still go over there. If you don't you could do serious damage to the relationship between your mum and your daughter. Try to plan some great activities to give your mum lots of quality time with your daughter, even one on one time if at all possible.
I would still go to the UK and enjoy your holiday stay with and visit family who will love and be greatful for spending time with you and your DD. When you see your mum show her how much fun and interest a baby has for things going on and don't get to upset if she does not realise some people just do not gel with babies and fail to see how much fun they are.
im making the trip to the uk to visit my family with my two girls. one is 9 months and one is 3 yrs. if my mum said that i would be SO CROSS!!!! its not normal! maybe go and see if you can stay some where else. its likely that you wont see you mum again for a while due to the distance between you and she should cherish ever second with her GD. hugs to you.
It took my dad over a year before he started warming to his grandson. I was sad but understood why. My mum was doting from the first moment she laid eyes on him so I don't feel like DS wasn't 'loved' by his grandparents. It's just my dad wasn't as into it as my mum. I hope she changes, for your dd's sake.
I am from the UK, both sets of grandparents are over there - I think like other people have said she is protecting herself to some extent, but also everyone is different and expresses their emotions (or not) differently.
When I read that she said she was looking to you and your husbands visit, and didn't mention your daughter at all, I didn't think anything of it at all, and the comment about irritability (didn't read like she said would be your DD that would make it irratible) - just sounds like a badly worded apology for crampedness. The fact she is not named I would not have taken to mean anything at all - it wouldn't even register with me to be honest. So then to me it sounds like her response is all defensive because she was taken aback by what you wrote to her and it sounds like she is not great at expressing her feelings. Some people are also much better with young children than babies, and find it a little hard to relate to babies - in fact I am probably one of them - and it would never occur to me if I was writing to invite someone or something along those lines that not mentioning the baby might make them think I wasn't at all interested.
I would go to the UK, I would accept that your mum is who she is (which it sounds like you had prior to this letter) and let her develop her relationship with your DD - she may not express it in the way you think she should, but I don't think you should start preventing that relationship from developing - and a long distance relationship will always be different - I know there are lots of people back in the UK I don't see or have contact for months or years but that doesn't mean that we don't have a good relationship when I do see them, or that I don't care for them.
My dad is like this with my kids. He isn't interested until they are older and more entertaining. It hurts so badly In your shoes I would go back to the UK for the wedding, but I would be inclined not to stay with your mum because I know I wouldn't stay with my dad under the same circumstances.
we have this a bit too with grandparents that live OS, so can understand the hurt and confusion
I am with WYSIWYG on this and believe that in large part, they are trying to keep a lid on their own feelings of missing out. they will not be there for the important milestones, nor for the unimportant everyday love and contact. this can be exacerbated when the other set of grandparents are close at hand (jealousy can creep up on the best of us). I know that in our case, there is hurt on their part that they, to some extent, have to come to terms with the fact that the grandchildren will grow up, potentionally not knowing them very well. it is a hard pill to swallow.
But, it is something that they as the adult have to learn to deal with. it is important for them to cherish every moment that they have with the grandkids and to cherish every photo, email etc. as that IS the relationship that they have with their family: whether they like it or not. FWIW, i was extremely close to my great grandparents who lived on the other side of the world in the Netherlands. i never once saw them, but spoke regularly on the phone and wrote letters and sent (and was sent) gifts etc. I love them as family, I miss them as family, and to me, the relationship that i had with them was every bit as real as if they lived down the street.
I am sorry that you are going through this. we have been there (and to some extent are still going through it in varying degrees). I would still go. your mum is probably a bit hurt, as with the arrival of a child, distance becomes wider and the world suddenly seems much much bigger . enjoy it for yourself and your DD. take loads of photos for your DD, so that she can revisit those memories with her grandmother and her family back in the UK. she will cherish it. Your mum will come around and with time, and especially as DD gets bigger she will be able to develop her own special relationship with her, promise xx
Huge hugs.
Your definitly not alone.
I would still be inclined to go away on holidays and I hope that you have a lovely time away and the rest of your family embraces your little daughter
I agree with the pp who mentioned the self preservation and feeling abit left out.
IMO, she perhaps didn't include DD in the letter because she doesn't feel she knows her, but she does know you and DH. And when she sees DD, she will still be Glad to see her.
Like you said, you knew your mum was abit stand off-ish, and I think that's the thing to remember, she has that personality, and that coupled with the fact that she realizes that she probably won't have a close relationship with her GD, as if she lived close by, might be affecting her
As for not wanting the big Xmas, I can understand not wanting it (my DH has a very.. Erm... Analytical and logical uncle lol) from the point of view she won't remember it. Doesn't mean there won't be presents or pictures? And from what I understand, she wants to save the big xmases for when she is older and WILL remember, and be able to participate.
(I definitely understand where you're coming from though, hasn't stopped us from spoiling our DD, and she will be 10.5 months at Xmas! Lol)
Perhaps she's trying to block out DD from situations so she doesn't get too attached?
I'd still go, stay with your mum (like pp said, I would interperet the "irritability" comment as just a pre-apology for anything, because she would no doubt be used to having less people in the house (possibly just herself?) let alone a baby that is crawling and getting into everything too, that can make a house feel even smaller!)
Anyway, and just study your mum when you're over there, watch how she interacts with DD, what she says, etc. and use that to gauge that when you come back (if you do) whether you stay with her or not, or if you stay with other family or in separate accommodation?
Who knows, (I think) you said that Dd was the first grandchild? Maybe she's not sure how she's supposed to act? Maybe being around other family with DD may make her act more tenderly?
Sorry if this is all over the place, just trying to think from another perspective?
Big hugs Hun, it's not fun feeling as though you're (or you're family) has been left out or isn't cared about. I hope it's all a big misunderstanding and that when you go she is a lot different
My dad is like this. Getting better since DS turned 4, but still won't call him by his name. My mother is either overbearing or disinterested, usually overbearing, but hurtfully disinterested during pregnancy. No, not just disinterested. Interested in every pregnancy/baby around her, but not mine at the other end of the country. Even down to giving away things she'd told me she'd bought for Liebs to other babies and not replacing them, or buying stuff for Liebs from car boot sales rather than something that wasn't tatty and drawn on and missing pieces.
My MiL is less emotional and that has hurt me in the past as she just isn't interested in seeing and cooing over babies, but she's better now DS interacts with her. MiL is less hurtful because she's honest with it - my mother pretends she's great and for now Liebs is going with it - he'll change his mind when he's older! But then I am fairly objective with babies, don't fuss that much and only do the "isn't he/she gorgeous?" because it's expected. I want grandchildren, but if I'm honest grandbabies will have me visiting and cooing, but I enjoy older children more.
My Granny really isn't a baby person, but she's a great person and lack of grandmotherly (and great-grandmotherly) pride in a baby doesn't stop her being great.
Just the view from the other side of the fence - and I worry now I'll be seen as a dreadful grandmother when my time comes!
One of my sisters (god parent to my children). Does 'get' babies. She has no interest in them. Is uncomfortable around them. absolutely refusses to hold them. BUT is fantastic with toddlers and children. My Dad also isn't particularly a 'baby' person - but he makes an effort because it is important to me (and mum makes him). He has a great relationship with them when they get older. And these are people who are very affectionate generally, but they still feel that way about babies - they are just not excited by them at all.
My point is that although it is hard to imagine someone else who 'should' be close and showing excitement about someone important (aka a little baby). They may just not be a 'baby' person. I couldn't ever imagine being like that, but some people are. Babies are just 'borring'. They don't do anything. They are 'gross' (in the words of my sister). And many people just don't feel maternal / paternal toward babies at all.
You mum might just change once bubs grows up a little and starts to become interesting.
I think you are being a little harsh on you mum, because you had an expectation that the inroduction of a little baby would change her personality; and that didn't happen. You are hurt and sad that your mum isn't what you had hoped she might be. But that doesn't make your mum a bad person.
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My Mum is indifferent to her grand daughter....help
Well, first let me say we're definitely not all chummy with our mums around here
You haven't stumbled into perfect mother-daughter relationship territory
In your shoes I would go back to the UK for the wedding, but I would be inclined not to stay with your mum because I know I wouldn't stay with my dad under the same circumstances.
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