"I'm not your friend"

[LimeSlice]

This is REALLY beginning to **** me off.

I am so so sick of her saying this. And anything can bring it out - a simple "not until after dinner" to a request for ice cream, to any form of discipline for anything - hitting, throwing, being rude... I can ask her to use her manners and she stomps of with the "I'm not your friend" or "I don't love you anymore" line.

Now, I know that this is something most kids do at some stage, but I am at a loss as to how to deal with it.

I have tried sitting down with her and explaining it isn't nice, hurts feelings, isn't true... I have tried approaching it from the angle of asking her to express her feelings and the real motivation behind the words, I have tried ignoring it... Nothing seems to make her understand that it is a horrible thing to say and not an appropriate response to not getting her own way.

I am so sick of hearing it, and yes, I am an adult, a parent, but it DOES hurt. The look on her face when she says it... she knows how to get the point across. And it DOES hurt.

How does everyone deal with this? Miss C is 4 years old.

[LionsandBears]

I don't have parental experience of this but I used to do it as a child. Mum's response was usually along the lines of "that's fine, you still have to clean up your room/can't have ice cream. And don't slam the door on your way" etc. We eventually tired of the "I don't love you" tantrums as we didn't get the response we wanted.

Personally, I think my Mum's approach worked. She's said it wasn't her job to be our friend, it was her job to be our Mum, so she never took those kinds of comments personally. Meanwhile we learnt to keep our room clean - eventually. And learnt to be less manipulative.

Hurting someone's feelings can mean gaining some control over the situation. I might not get what I want but I can make you feel bad about it. You know your Dd loves you, she knows you love her. Can you find a way to ignore or deflect those kinds of comments?

[nothing2lose]

If it's any comfort, it is totally normal. I had DD tell me on a few occasions at the same age that I wasn't coming to her party (not sure who she thought would be throwing the said party if not me )

I know it's annoying and a little hurtful but, honestly, it means nothing. They are just experimenting with a newfound social/emotional power they have. In the kinder/schoolyard friendship (the bestowing and revocation thereof) and party invites are currency. They are powerful weapons, used to get others to do what you want. You're the guinea pig

I guess you can either ignore it, say something like 'oh that's a shame because I really want us to be friends, now I guess I will only have (insert her sibling's name) as a friend' or, ignore it initially but then when she wants something, call her bluff. Say, something along the lines of 'oh, it's a shame we're not friends because I only like to do that with my friends, etc '. That's what I would do. But then I am a mean parent

[Arimeh]

I usually say "that's a shame, I think I'd make a good friend" and walk away. I don't usually give that much attention

[peanutter]

how would she respond if you said, "no I'm not your friend - I'm your mum" or "you might not like my decision, but I'm still your mum" or similar?

[nothing2lose]

Also, it's good practice for when they are teens and they say they hate you because you won't let them wear micro-minis/get a tattoo/take a bottle of booze to a party/let their boyfriend sleepover in their bed/smoke drugs in the house/force them to go to school and do their homework....

[Traveller]

I get this from DD in particular, and I usually respond by laughing (bad mummy) because she looks so funny when she says it. I also say "oh well that's a shame because I love you very much, but you are still not getting x, y or z". Sometimes I also agree with her when she says things like "you're a bad mummy" and I reply "that's right I am the worst mummy in the world and I don't know how you stand it, but you are still not getting x, y or z" Honestly it doesn't hurt when she says it because I know she doesn't mean it and for me to agree really takes the sting out of it for me, and the impact out of it for her. She doesn't do it much anymore so it appears to be working anyway

[LimeSlice]

Thanks everyone That is pretty much the response I go with at the moment... it just doesn't seem to be curbing it... I suppose she will ahve to grow out of it in her own time! I suppose I just don't like the thought of what it will cost her if she does/says these kinds of things in the playground at school - I don't want her to alienate everyone because she has a tendancy to be bossy and stompy. Am I worrying too much?

[nothing2lose]

Being bossy and stompy has never hurt me

Trust me. ALL the kids in the playground will be saying it.

[LimeSlice]

Being bossy and stompy has never hurt me

Trust me. ALL the kids in the playground will be saying it.

lol Thank you I don't worry about much for her, but i do worry about her having a similar experience to me at Primary School and being a bit of an unhappy loner :/ I don't know why, all the kids at Kinder loved her - I had parents coming to me and asking me to meet her because their own kids never shut up about her Go figure.

[RockingBaker]

Mine don't do that yet, but DS pushes me and is aggressive when upset and tries to take things out on me. When he's at his worst I tell him I love him and leave it and he calms down quicker than when I ignore him completely.

[Liz]

Yeah we tend to just say "that's ok, I still love you". I've never taken it personally, they lash out with plenty of other things as well, to us and to siblings. They seem to be quite angelic with other people/children though - ratbags LOL.

[Sopdet]

it does hurt

This is how we used to deal with the I don't love you, or the I'm not your friend lines (which yes they do hurt, even from the point of a younger sibling throwing it at you).

You basically tell them that "tough, you don't have to like me, but that never means I stop loving you, it is my job to love you unconditionally and that is what I am going to do"

For the friend comment "why would you want a boring old mummy as a friend when you have some wonderful friends"

When I got older, I actually apologised to my Mother for saying these things to her because hearing them being said to me by younger siblings ripped my heart out.

[Jennifer13]

I've had pretty much all the comments here too!

I usually say "I'm not trying to be your friend, I'm your Mummy ...". The party one stopped when I pointed out if she wanted a cake, etc, it probably wasn't a good idea to leave me out.

This passes - next stage is "but (my friend's) mum let's her/has (whatever)", to which I respond with the a somewhat heartless, "well, that's their family and if you go and live with them then you can too, but not here!"

Try not to let it get to you.

[Miss_Dee]

My 3 yr old niece loves pulling that out with me. I just tell her 'good cause I don't want to be your friend'. Not sure how often she says it to my sister, but my sister deals with it much like many others by saying 'that's great, but you still have to...'

[Catastrophic]

I've copped the same for years of my DSS and now my two daughters I just reply with "I love you" in a funny kinda voice, and let them go calm down.


Cat xox

[carolinaw]

I also have no experience about this and I don't how to response if my child says this to me. I must be hurt. My niece shows her odds temper at home as a rude princess and a tender and polite girl in her school and other kids all like to play with her. So strange...

[Floweryfields]

I don't have a child who says that, but I've had a few kids say it to me at work. I usually say something similiar to Nerd- or say something like, well the rest of us are friends aren't we because we are all friends at xyz..... later I might take the child aside and explain how saying things like that hurt people's feelings and it isn't a kind thing to say.

It would really suck if it were my child saying it to me though, so I really sympathise.