Newbie to IVF/PGD/ICSI - driving myself insane during TWW
Hello,
I'm new to this forum & new to IVF so sorry in advance if i sound like I don't know what i'm talking about (coz i don't haa haa). SO.....i've been stalking a few of the threads (hope that's okay) and have been very impressed with the turn out and support shown for one another.
A little about my husband and I - we have been TTC for about 3 years after 3 miscarriages we decided to both have some tests done. After months of blood tests and ultrasounds I was found to have translocated chromosomes (3 & 5) and referred to Monash IVF. We started our cycle 19th Jan 2012 - egg pick up was 20 and of that 20 we had one good embie to put back. Egg transfer was 5th Jan and since then I am quickly going mad! Today i found out that friends of ours are pregnant and whilst I am very happy for them i found myself holding back tears. Terrible I know! Finally when I got home i burst into tears.
I want to be positive but I just feel like as much as I want this it just may not happen for us. Anyone have any magic words of wisdom? Stories of success first go? Am i going driving myself insane or is it the crinone?
I know just how you feel. In December I had a t/f of the only 2 embryos we got from our first stim cycle, and I just couldn't bear to let myself hope they would stick, (preparing myself for a bfn) - all the while, of course, hoping desperately that they would anyway... I became a bit of a recluse, and hardly went out so that I didn't have to see anyone (as no-one knew what we were going through.) Poor DP copped all of my fears and moods and emotional rollercoaster stuff during those weeks! The 18 days I had to wait for a BT felt like a year, but time went by regardless, and we were licky enough to get a bfp. Then the next bit of waiting starts - just 3 weeks to the scan! And then the next bit...
I think when you have fertility issues, you lose faith in your body's ability to do what it's meant to, you are far more aware of all the different ways that things can go wrong, and you rely far more heavily on the external reassurances of blood tests and scans, to reassure yourself that everything is still going ok. I certainly don't feel like we are out of the woods, yet, even though I am now over 9 weeks pg.
As far as having mixed feelings about your friend's pg announcement, there are many, many threads on this topic, and what you feel is not terrible at all, but completely normal for us women for whom pg does not come easily.
Search for some of these threads, realise that you are not alone in going through all of this, and be kind to yourself. Find the 'assisted conception tww' thread and share your feeling with other women going through the same stuff right now. Make sure you get plenty of rest, eat and hydrate well, and hopefully you will have a sticky embryo and a bfp!
sorry to hear you've had a rough trot with all this ttc business
I have ET on 4th Feb, so am about a week behind you - and already driving myself insane.... just been researching crinone side effects cause I'm trying to work out if its ME going crazy, or the medication!!! looks like it's not me after all!!!
there's also some LTTTC after miscarriage and loss threads you may like - I don't have the links handy, but should be easy to find
this is the best thing I have found since TTC and I am so glad to have a safe place to talk about it - as I feel so isolated IRL (in real life) and like you get sad when people announce they're preg, or complain about their babies, or have babies or.... just anything baby really!!!! I want to see friends and family, but at the same time, I don't want to, I can't bring myself to arrange 'hang outs' with friends, so I rely on others, and everyone is busy, so I feel even more isolated.
BB has really helped that feeling, I can talk about it, and other stuff, without feeling pressure to hide what is actually going on. I don't need to pretend anymore.... I can share the photo of my embryo and be excited about it, and share my sadness if it doesn't work. I can ask questions of others who have been here, done that.... and can actually give advice, not just listen... but they can do that too!!
I am so much richer for having found my place here in BB, I hope you do too.
xxx
Pholi - Thank you for the warm welcome and congrats to you and you other half on your bfp! Your story gives me hope I will be sure to check out those other threads suggested by you and Myturn (thanks so much lovelies). I think you really hit the nail on the head when you said "I think when you have fertility issues, you lose faith in your body's ability to do what it's meant to.." I try to be positive but not too much in case i jinx it but it's so hard to forget past disappointments. Ahhh mixed emotions...haa haa! Pholi your kind words really touched me thanks again and goodluck with your next phase
MyTurn - Thank you, It's been a bit of a battle but we're heading in right direction so that's a positive! Yes i'm very pleased I chose to participate in BB, i felt so much relief after getting my thoughts out. OH BTW Trf was 2nd Feb NOT 5th Jan (see I am going crazy)! LOL so we are only a few days apart we can be crazy together. Speaking of crazy...yeah the crinone is definitely the cause of the wild emotions but try to keep this in mind so it hopefully doesn't make you too mad. I had a lil laugh to myself amidst the tears I thought to myself wow these meds are really messing with me. I know how you feel I've been making excuses not to go to family dos too, but yesterday I went to a family dinner and it was actually not so bad once I got there, took my mind off things for little while. Keeping my fingers crossed, toes and everything crossed that everything goes well for you
Welcome to the forum. You'll find that there are a lot of extremely supportive ladies here that have been through similar circumstances.
My 12 month old daughter is an ICSI/PDG princess. Like you, we went down the IVF road more for genetic reasons than for fertility reasons. Our first cycle we got 11 eggs, of which 7 fertilised and made it to PGD. They were unable to get results for two, but the other 5 unfortunately all had chromosomal abnormalities.
Our second cycle sounds quite similar to your cycle. We got 21 eggs, 11 fertilised, and of the 11 we had one precious chromosomally perfect embryo. It was a little female embryo. On day 5 she was looking great and we even have a photo of her "hatching" taken just before transfer. She was a strong little one and is now a perfect 12 month old.
The tww is always difficult, and while a lot of people prefer not to do home pregnancy tests until after their period is due, I feel better by being a serial home pregnancy test-er, lol! I started using them the day after our embryo transfer so I could watch the hcg from the trigger shot disappear, then used them daily and watched in amazement as the little positive line reappeared and started getting darker each day. It's my way of coping and feeling like I was sort of doing something.
Best of luck to you and I hope in the next couple of weeks you get some amazing news!
I"m currently on an IVF/PGD break, but I just wanted you to know that there are more than enough lovely ladies on here to offer support. I've been lucky enough to be on that receiving end. Even one afternoon, while waiting for my PGD results, I had an awesome support network of ladies who talked me through and kept me from going mad!
Mylitta, Thanks for the warm welcome. Yes I am quickly learning how amazing the people are on BB, warms my heart! I'm very happy to hear you have a beautiful 12 month old daughter as a result of ICSI/PGD. That would have been disappointing for your first cycle, we were on such a high when we got 20 eggs but the number kept dropping as each day went by....but hey.... you only need one healthy one right. I was contemplating HPT but was afraid it would confuse me even more...hmmm i do like your idea
Hey Kimmi your right there are so many other women in the same similar position ready to share and support it's just amazing! Hope your getting some good R&R on your IVF/PGD break, good to see your still a part of the amazing ladies sharing and caring for others. wishing you all the very best & hope that your dream comes true very soon xoxo
Sending you loads of sticky vibes and I hope this cycle is successful for you. I drove myself insane in my 2WW too, so don't worry, it's impossible not to do!
Two more days to go AF is due after BT but I feel like I'm getting my period really hope it's implantation pains or something. This crinone gel is really gross now too....anyone else had huge clumps of it coming out?
Best of luck for your blood test, I have mine on Wednesday. The Crinone gel is disgusting! Last cycle it was REALLY bad, tmi but to the point where I could feel my body trying to push the clumps out After my BFN I ended up having to stand in the shower and pull the lumps out, totally gross I know! This time hasnt been as band thank god! But yes im still getting clumps
Thanks Amy_jellybean - yeah the crinone is making me feel so foul! I checked with the nurse & she said everything's fine but it doesn't feel it...can't wait for Monday to come! Good luck for Wednesday will keep my fingers & everything crossed for you
Hey Weemansmummy thanks for the warm invitation I'm still figuring BB out, will have a play today & find the pgd thread xx
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Newbie to IVF/PGD/ICSI - driving myself insane during TWW
Finally when I got home i burst into tears.
Then the next bit of waiting starts - just 3 weeks to the scan! And then the next bit...
!
I will be sure to check out those other threads suggested by you and Myturn (thanks so much lovelies). I think you really hit the nail on the head when you said "I think when you have fertility issues, you lose faith in your body's ability to do what it's meant to.." I try to be positive but not too much in case i jinx it but it's so hard to forget past disappointments. Ahhh mixed emotions...haa haa! Pholi your kind words really touched me thanks again and goodluck with your next phase
we can be crazy together. Speaking of crazy...yeah the crinone is definitely the cause of the wild emotions but try to keep this in mind so it hopefully doesn't make you too mad. I had a lil laugh to myself amidst the tears I thought to myself wow these meds are really messing with me. I know how you feel I've been making excuses not to go to family dos too, but yesterday I went to a family dinner and it was actually not so bad once I got there, took my mind off things for little while. Keeping my fingers crossed, toes and everything crossed that everything goes well for you
really hope it's implantation pains or something. This crinone gel is really gross now too....anyone else had huge clumps of it coming out?
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