Discipline, distraction, keeping an 11mth old happy......

[forshelby]

It's hard!!!! Really really hard! I just can't seem to find an activity or distraction to keep him entertained for more than a minute. He recently spent so much time crying over seemingly nothing, that I took him to the GP. I felt like one of "those" women. FYI, his test results came back all clear. The GP suggested it's 'personality'. Hmm, thanks doc.

So far I've worked out that he just wants to be held. All the time. But then sometimes he'll get into such a state that even a cuddle isn't good enough, and he just wants to hit, kick, scratch..... it's unpleasant. And it makes me angry! It's hard being angry at a small child. Discipline for a nearly 1y.o is a bit of a balancing act. When he's hitting, kicking screaming etc, I put him in his cot for some 'quiet time'. I figure he must be tired if he's doing this, and it's the only punishment that really seems appropriate at this age. You play up, you can be by yourself for a few minutes while Mummy screams into a pillow. But I'm wondering if I'm missing something? I mean he can't be overtired all the time. He can't be overtired the instant he wakes up for the love of god!! The other thing I'm stressing over is his lack of crawling. He kind of does a bit of a commando crawl. He rocks back and forth like crazy, and I KNOW he can do it but he just flops on the floor and has a hissy fit after 30 seconds or so. I know if he was mobile, he'd be a lot more content....... but short of 'crawling' him around by carrying him and plopping him down all day, I don't know what to do.

It seems even worse on DP's day off each week. DS screamed all day long this Sunday, we were both going insane trying to deal with him. DP can be ill-tempered at the best of times, so I really cringe on days like this. He resorts to raising his voice................ and when it doesn't work, just repeats the same thing. Until I find myself eyeing off my suitcase longingly, and fondling the car keys.

So here's the issue in point form, because I think I've rambled a bit.. again.

Things I do to distract:
-play with his toys with him (doesn't work)
- sing songs and dance until I am hoarse and pulled a muscle (this works but I have to stop at some point!)
- take him outside to 'play' with the trees (attacking them and shaking them around lol)
- let our small dog inside for a while - he loves the dog.
- cartoons and something to munch on

Things I do to discipline:
- time out in his cot
- a firm NO followed by a simple direction

When I'm losing it:
-ignorance is bliss. I have to walk away.

What am I missing?? I feel like every single activity has become a chore. I can't play with him, I can't do anything without it resulting in a meltdown. I try to change his shirt, he screams. Nappy change? Screams. Lunchtime? Screams. Dinner? Screams even more. Bathtime? Bloodcurdling screams. Bedtime? Hell on earth. Daddy slamming the door, stomping into the lounge and proclaiming how effed bedtime is, how he's sick of it (after a lousy couple of months... meanwhile I did it by myself every night for 9 months solid, but that's another vent!) and then starts the swearing and namecalling. He's a ******** **** I'm sick of *****..... you get the idea. I don't want to hear it. I want to hear solutions, dammit!

Those of you who have a high-maintenance child, what works for you? I'm getting tired of the screaming. I honestly thought by 11mths he would have settled down a bit. His reflux is no longer an issue. He has no medical condition which would make him irritable. What am I doing wrong?! Gaaaahhhh!! I just want my baby to be able to have a little independent play, maybe eat his lunch without attacking me, and possibly have a sleep without kicking the living s*** out of me.

HELP!

While you all come up with a solution, I'll have a coffee. Well? What are you waiting for?

[JLeigh29]

Awww, Shelby, I feel for you! DS is a 'high maintenance' kid too. I spend a lot of playdates looking longingly at the other children playing with their toys BY THEMSELVES, gurgling and laughing, and here's DS, clinging to me and screaming in tears. I thought that it was 'a phase' too and that once he got a little older, a little more socialised, more mobile, a better understanding of what we were saying etc, that things would improve. Nup!

Actually, that's not quite right. DS is now 22 months and I have noticed some small improvements. When other children are around, we can sometimes get through a play date with no tears. He still clings like a limpet, but the tears have decreased. I still spend almost every moment entertaining him but I am ever-so thankful for that 2 minutes, maybe twice a day, when he'll play 'by himself' (i.e. more than 1m away from me. I still have to be in sight, but he's not actually attached). He stopped screaming his head off at nappy change time at about 18 months, so hang in there. Now we get tears because he doesn't want to take his clothes on/off (I thought it was tricky when he was younger, but he can make it a whole lot more difficult now, lol!)

Here are some of my coping strategies and things I've figured out:
1. He picks up on whenever I feel 'out of control'. If I show that I'm annoyed/upset by his behaviour, it makes it way worse. So, it's a calm voice, happy, happy here (fake it 'til you make it). If I'm really losing it, walk away for a couple of minutes.
2. Don't use the bed for time out when he's upset. That means that the cot becomes associated with him being upset/angry and bedtime becomes a bigger hassle. Use a playpen or whatever so he's somewhere safe and go ahead and scream into your pillow! Rather than say no all the time, just give the direction/distraction e.g. 'Be gentle with Mummy' and take his hand and show him how it's done when he scratches you. Exaggerate how happy you feel when he's gentle/playing nicely (or, the mother of all prizes, playing by himself!!!)
3.Nappy/change time. Have a 'special toy' or song to sing or play (saves your voice) for change time. When he gets older he can choose his own toy (this made a real difference to DS). If it gets too hard, stop and come back to it later if you can - it's not worth you getting upset over. DS runs around with 1/2 outfit on for awhile most days. When he gets a little older you can explain why he needs a clean nappy/shirt (I tell DS we don't want to get his PJ's dirty, or we're going out, or it's bath time etc).
3. Entertaining/playing with/distracting. Aw man, this is HARD! Some days go so slowly because each activity works for 1 minute or so, and then it's onto the next thing. DS used to love 'reading' the junk mail with me - he'd pull it apart, I'd maybe read 1 or 2 pages! He could look for stuff he recognised, we could tear it up and throw it or scrunch it up etc Soft balls are good too - find a wall he can throw it at so it comes back and you don't have to chase it everywhere. Stuff to bang is good too - even a wooden spoon on the floor works. Keep playing with his toys with him - all that interaction improves his understanding so when you talk to him about stuff he knows what's going on. Outside play is good too - can you rake a pile of leaves up for him to play in? Have some music on in the background sometimes. Towers - blocks, books, toilet rolls, boxes etc You build, he knocks 'em down!
4.Think of the positives! DS has never 'gotten into' anything because he's never been alone in his life! DS's understanding is out of this world because I'm ALWAYS talking to him. Any break you get is that much sweeter because you don't get it often.
5. When he's asleep, take the first 15-20 minutes for you. Forget the housework, everything else and do something you want to do - read a mag, coffee, phone a friend, watch some TV etc This is YOUR time and you deserve it. This made a huge difference to me because I used to feel quite resentful that I never got to do anything I wanted to during the day.
6. Organise the rest of your life. Plan your meals so they're prepared when DS is asleep. Do the stuff you really can't do when DS is awake. I put the clothes in the lounge so that I can fold when DS is awake (we make a game out of the folding - whooshing the clothes over his head, dressing him up etc) - sometimes only half gets folded or stuff gets unfolded again, but so what?! Putting the clothes on the line was fun for DS, so I'd always do that when he was awake, but I'd make sure it was ready to go while he was asleep because carrying it out there with DS was a nightmare!
7. Get DP onside. Talk to him about how it makes you feel and tell him he can talk to you too, but that it's not OK to talk about your son so negatively as that just adds to your sh%@! Maybe he can have some time on his own with DS, once a week, even if it's just for 1/2 hour. Then you can return the favour.
8. Get out and about. I used to avoid going places because having a screaming child is embarrassing but, you know what, I needed that human interaction too. I needed to see that there's a world out there. Go to the library, playgroup, the park, a walk, Mainly Music, swimming etc And the hassle to get organised is worth it.

I don't have any advice about the physical stuff or the sleeping as DS is a gentle soul and awesome sleeper, but I do feel for you. I hope that you can reframe how you think about your DS as that's what made the biggest difference to me - looking at the positives and working hard to act positive, it's definitely rubbed off on DS. A little! Hope your coffee was good too!

[Arimeh]

My ds was like this, could never play independently and was a cling on.

My girls on the other hand - all played independently.

My 11 month old (who sort of leap frogs around, not really crawling like the others did!) likes to play with the older kids toys. She also likes to empty my kitchen drawers. She likes to headbutt the cats. She loves to eat, she has 3 meals and 2 snacks a day and then bfeeds on top of that.

Um, she likes dancing to music. She's good in the car thank god. She has 2 naps a day usually.

I rock her to sleep still, and bath time is fun because she has siblings to make it fun for her. I think first children are so hard because you are the sole entertainer of them, and I had no idea how to do that so I struggled.

Ooh ds liked to watch the dryer go around with clothes in it? And nothing settled him better than a tug at the wind chime - the sound of bells always gets them to be quiet apparently

Do you come to bris often? We could catch up if you wanted to

[Rowellen]

I don't have a lot of advice as I need some myself. My only suggestion would be in regards to nappy changes - let him go nappy free whenever you can. My DD screams, struggles, twists & arches her back every time we change her nappy so usually I give up & let her roam free. Shut the doors to the bedrooms so she can't pee on the carpet & keep a terry cloth nappy handy for any accidents. Or I send her outside in the nud if the weather's fine. Usually after an hour or so nappy free time, she will *sometimes* let me put her nappy back on without tears.

[Aussiegirl777]

I have an 11 month old too but thankfully most of the time he can play independantly. He has easy access to lots (and lots) of his toys and I am in the same room but he can just pull all of his toys out and play with whatever he likes. At the end of the day it's a big clean up for Mum but I make sure he sees me picking up his toys and putting them away so that one day he will be able to know what happens and help me.

We go for walks (whenever it's not raining). We go to the park and he plays on the swing which he loves.

We just started playgroup once a week, about a month ago and DS just loves it! He loves to be around the bigger kids and loves playing with all the toys. I think the best thing is to have my DS around other kids. Our DS is going to be an only child. I'm really focused on ensuring he gets play time with lots of different kids, whether it be his cousins, playgroup or our Mothers' group. Do you have access to any of those groups or a close friend with young kids that you can spend a bit more time with?

DS doesn't like getting his nappy changed and he can cry and try to roll off the change table but I distract him by letting him play with things he doesn't normally play with such as the thermometer or his nappy cream or the paw paw cream. These things are really different for him and it keeps him entertained for longer.

Everyone has arguements in real life but I think the key is to keep things as calm as possible. We don't ever yell at DS. On days when I get frustrated I just remind myself that I am the adult and he is the child and that keeps everything in perspective with me.

You mention that your DP has a bit of a temper. Is there a chance that your DS is picking up on the temper that your DP has and that he is mimicing that behaviour? I know 11 months sounds young but they are like sponges at this age and they see and hear everything and take it all in. Can you speak with you DP and ask him to go outside to let off steam and not do it around your DS?

I hope things get better for you soon.