4 yr old birthday party and childcare invites

[kelebek]

Just after opinions. DS is having a birthday party and we are inviting a lot of the children from childcare - all bar about 4. The reason is DS said 2 of them are 'nasty and mean' and 2 of them he doesn't really know.
I am in a delimma as I believe DS should be able to have a say on who comes but is it bad form to invite most of the class and effectively exclude these kids?

TIA for all opinions.

[~Serenity~]

I would maybe invite the 2 he doesnt know well but i would leave of the meanys its his special party and i wouldnt want it ruinned for him just to be polite


Sent from my iphone, so may not make sense

[Traveller]

For a 4 year old I would personally limit the number of invitations to only 4 - 6 children. Not only does this make a less stressful party but it also means that there is not such an obvious leaving out of only a few kids. If inviting the majority I would be tempted to invite all kids though, I don't think it is nice to leave out only a couple of kids.

[*Ang*]

If inviting the majority I would be tempted to invite all kids though, I don't think it is nice to leave out only a couple of kids.

Yeah that!

To exclude only a couple would also be seen to be mean. Sometimes a child's perception of mean and nasty is completely different to an adult's. I can remember a few years ago DD coming home saying a classmate was being "mean" to her, when I delved into it some more I discovered it was simply because this child had stepped on her heels when lining up!

[Phteven]

I agree with Trav. Either invite them all or invite a handful.

ETA - and yes to *Ang*'s comment re meanness. Mean can be very subjective at that age. Generally when DS complains about another child being mean he means that they wouldn't play Harry Potter when he asked them to or something equally inoffensive. There are feral 4 year olds but I think it is better to delve into the issue than just accept 'mean' at face value.

[kelebek]

Thanks ladies

[lilima]

I agree. I wouldnt just exclude 4.

[jackrose]

I agree with all or a handful.

An interesting aside to think about re: meanness
I remember a really mean girl at kinder. A real bully, pushing kids around, not letting certain kids sit next to her, teasing, controlling equipment. I remember being quite scared of her and in hindsight I was also most likely enjoying the camaraderie of being 'in the group' of others who were being mean back to her by excluding her.

When I told mum about her, my mother suggested that we invite her over for a play and I distinctly remember my 4 year old self being mortified as I didn't like her. Mum's take on it was that most often at that age, a child who is having trouble socially and does not have the tools to fit in to the group, desperately wants to but uses force and 'bullying' to get her way. We did have the girl over, she still scared me, but, the massive difference was that she was so nice to me from then on at kinder, sticking up for me in groups, saving me seats, looking out for me. She ended up getting the friend she desperately needed but didn't know how to make and I learnt a really valuable lesson about looking beyond immediate behaviour and giving people a chance. (I may not have completely understood the lesson then but mum talked about it with me over the years and it did stick with me)

With that in mind, I made a real effort to get to know the boy who was 'picking' on my DD last year and discovered that he was really just quite smitten with her and tended to crowd her and want to play with her all the time. He was quite young and English was a second language for him and he just did not have any idea how to make friends with my DD. Knowing this helped me to teach DD to tolerate this boys overtures, be more generous with him while still acknowledging that she had a right not to play with him if she didn't want to, and eventually work out a way that they could get along in a way that kept them both happy.

BTW, I am not saying you necessarily need to do the same thing with your son and the meanies, and a birthday party may not be the time to try to change the social dynamics at childcare but I think leaving a few kids out may cause more issues than might be necessary.