Registered User
"Middle" Children
In my family the middle child was known as the 'problem' child (not me, I'm a perfect first born). And in DH's family too (it was him! lol). DH remembers once a teacher telling him in primary school 'your problem is that you have middle child syndrome. Your sister is the first born and most important and your brother is the baby and gets all the attention and nobody cares about you'. Nice huh??
So thinking about when we have number 3, that will make DD2 the middle child. I don't want my baby girl to be seen that way! So is this an old fashioned thing, or is it still something people think/see today? Does it happen in your family?
We're planning on having 4 anyway so I guess there will eventually be no 'middle'. According to my mum, when you have 4, number 3 is the 'problem child'. Eeek! So are these really just like old wives tales?
It also concerns me because DD2 so far seems a lot different to DD1. DD1 was easy peasy, listened when I said no, rarely had a tantrum. DD2 on the other hand already has tantrums where she throws herself to the ground, hmmm...
I guess it's like anything in parenting though. There are lots of things my parents did that I don't want to and so I'm concious of what I'm doing and I parent differently to them. I can control how I respond to my kids and not live up to the stereotype. Right??
Registered User
On my phone but there was an article recently somewhere about middle children thing being a myth - apparently analysis showed lots of 'leaders' in various senses of word were middle children, theory being they end up being skilful negotiators, was very interesting article - when on PC will see if can find it.
Registered User
Right
. I enjoy and like your post and threads on here the most and I think you and your LO are going to be fine no matter how many you have.
I don't believe that how many kids you have and what order they come in determines how they are going to grow up. If you can respond to them as an equal part of the family but always recognise their own personality then there should not be any issues. But then again what do I really know, I only have an older brother.
Registered User
DH is the middle child in his family, and is definitely the 'forgotten' one - firstborn is the favourite son, can do no wrong, and #3 is the baby sister who gets everything she wants but DH always had to fend for himself. His mum put both of the others through uni, but never even gave him bus money etc etc.
Of course you can control it, you choose how you parent and being conscious of it is often enough to make it not happen. I think, as with anything, it is what you make it.
2012 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.
i honestly think it will depend on your childs personality and your parenting style. there are plenty of people you wouldnt know were middle children but you get the occasional one where you say wooah! middle child? i know several people who have SEVERE middle child syndrome and it colours their life very strongly, one tho in particular'(cough BIL cough) would have been like that no matter if they had had a 3rd child or not, cos i know MIL's parenting would not have been the type of parenting to encourage it. i know i have several traits of middle child syndrome despite being the youngest of 5, that being said the middle child, my half sister is VERY middle child!!
in my experience (vast and educated and all that :P) the 3rd child in a family of 4 kids is the trouble maker too, so i dont know, maybe i only know cliche families? all the only children i know fit that cliche as well...
Registered User
I think its a parental syndrome inflicted on middle children. I do not believe for a second our middle son is hard done by because of something as silly as birth order. If anything he probably gets more attention and help off others because he is seen as the "middle child". I flatly refuse and refute anything to do with 'Middle child Syndrome'. I always make sure they all know how lucky they are to have each other, the more the merrier even, because some people dont get the choice to have siblings and we love them all equally.
That said because my sister heard the middle child syndrome codswallop her entire childhood she now has a Russia-size chip on her shoulder and thinks the world owes her because of it. Freakin ridiculous!
Registered User
I'm the oldest, with two brothers. The middle brother was always far and away the favourite (though my mum will never admit it)! Since becoming a surly teenager/young adult, he's fallen from her graces a little, but he was always the most popular at school, the best at everything he did - unless he was competing against me
- and is now shaping up to have the most comfortable life... I'm a bit jealous he has it more together than me
Registered User
Bwah, I think its rubbish too. I am the middle child and can honestly say that I don't feel hard done by, mistreated or ignored. I was the most academic, had friends at school and generally got through my teenage years without a drama (of course I was a total ***** to my mother as I entered puberty but that's definitely not a middle child symptom
I think that some of the issues that children carry into parenthood are certainly due to poor parenting, unfortunately there are lots of dud parents out there. I think that considering this is something you are thoughtful about, your DD2 and #3 will have nothing to worry about as you as a Mum have all bases covered to ensure your children are treated equally but uniquely.
Lachlan is the middle child, and is the one that gets "middle child??" comments. He is treated no differently to any of my other kids, but he is the loudest, the most talkative, the naughtiest etc etc etc LOL. He thinks about stuff way to much and lets stuff "get to him". He knows I have surgery next week, therefore is acting out at school. Been fine for the last 7 weeks.
I must remember to pre-warn his teacher for the day that I do actually go in.
Registered User
"Middle" Children
I'm a middle child too. As kids my younger sister always seemed to be the favourite (not just to me, by most people) but as we've gotten older, I've become the favourite as I'm definitely the 'together' one. As kids I always had people saying I was the forgotten middle child (& I was but that was because I was independent and could look after and do things for myself) where as my older brother (who is 5 years older than me) had addictions and whatnot that people had to deal with and my sister was sick as a kid so it's not BECAUSE I was the middle child, it just worked out that way.
Pretty sure that didn't make much sense.
Registered User
There were 3 in my family & the youngest was the more difficult one (don't worry, thats from my mum!!) My brother was kind of the fave though (middle), being the only boy...
My dad always said (before DD3 came along) that DD2 would always be his favourite, because she was in the middle, & so was he growing up & he hated it. It bugged me, because I refuse to show favouritism.
I think it depends on the child & the family
Last edited by ~clover~; March 20th, 2012 at 06:51 PM.
BellyBelly Life Subscriber
I actually don't believe for a second that your DD2 has tantrums!
Registered User
Thanks everyone! I really can't see how I could love my DD2 any less or show her less attention no matter how many children I have. They are all equally special and important. It must be a myth!
Definitely true for my DH. He refers to himself as the 'black sheep' of his family. He's always blamed for everything. But he has turned out better for it I think, the rest of his family are a PITA
haha! She looks all sweet and innocent. But my gosh, she's very different from DD1. I could just say 'no' to her and she would stop. No way with DD2, she's already bullying her big sister and chucking wobblies when things don't go her way. I'm a bit worried about what's in store for me this time round! Don't think we'll be missing the terrible two's this time.
Moderator
Haha olive I saw her independent streak - Heaven there yelling out "DD2, come back here" and she would look at Heaven and go the opposite direction - and she's only 1!! Cheeky monkey!
Wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it
I've thought a bit about this Heaven. My DD was so ready to be a big sister. She's independent, mostly caring (
Now that I think about it, the behaviour of a stereotypical "middle child" is similar to a youngest maybe?? Apart from the "being forgotten" thing maybe... Anyway, DS will just have to adjust. I think I've got an advantage, girl followed by boy - if this new one is a boy, he will hang with his bro and I'm sure they will be a force to be reckoned with and DS will not be forgotten. If it is a girl, she will be the baby and DS will be special because he will be the only boy. Maybe???
Well who knows. I'll report back in 9 months or so...
Registered User
There it is apologies for the formatting - if you google dailymail (actually a UK newspaper I despise) Middle children are MORE successful - you will get the article with pics. Looks like there is also a book on it.Middle children are MORE successful: That's the surprising finding of new research. So is it true about your family?
By KATRIN SCHUMANN
UPDATED: 11:34 GMT, 29 December 2011
For decades, conventional wisdom has held that middle children — those born in between older and younger siblings — tend to have a hard time growing up.
Within their families, they are said to be neglected, underestimated and misunderstood. Their place in the birth order is seen as one of disadvantage, since they do not receive the same attention given by their parents to their siblings who, as first and last-borns, are showered with particularly intense attention.
Consequently, and according to the long-established stereotype, they supposedly become withdrawn, resentful and lacking in confidence.
Middle children, so the thinking goes, are far more likely to become outsiders who enjoy nothing like the success or happiness of their brothers and sisters. This kind of analysis seemed to be reinforced by a recent study which revealed that eldest children are, on average, more prosperous than their younger siblings.
Indeed, when I began work on my new book about middle children, written with Dr Catherine Salmon, I was amazed at how much ill-feeling we encountered — not just in interviews we conducted with many middle children, but also in dozens of internet forums, where a host of middle children said they had in some way been abandoned by their parents.
A host of middle children said they had been abandoned by their parents, but much of this indignation is misplaced.
But much of this indignation is misplaced.
For, as we discovered during our research, the stereotype does not correspond to reality. Far from being doomed to failure and loneliness, middle children are more likely than their siblings to be successful and enjoy strong social lives and flourishing careers.
The apparent disadvantages they endure in childhood turn out to be beneficial, in many cases giving them the attributes of empathy, independence, articulacy and creativity. Many of our biggest celebrities, such as the film star Julia Roberts, are ‘middles’.
One of the most successful entrepreneurs of modern times, the Microsoft genius Bill Gates, is also a middle. His remarkable ability to think outside the box and take moderate risks are attributes often found in middle-borns.
And consider this: of all the U.S. Presidents since 1787, no fewer than 52 per cent were middle children.
This is not only a far higher proportion than the numbers in the overall population, but also confounds a conventional belief that eldest sons are always the strongest personalities and therefore natural-born leaders.
The list of presidential middles includes political giants such as Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt and John F. Kennedy.
In fact, Kennedy, during his brilliant but all-too-brief career, displayed several of the qualities associated with high-achieving middle children: communication skills, a gift for friendship, a powerful sense of justice, coolness under pressure and an ability to negotiate. This was reflected in his handling of the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962, when he saved mankind from possible nuclear annihilation.
Tony Blair is also a middle child and, whatever you think of his politics, his mix of charisma, eloquence and empathy were crucial both in bringing Labour back to power and in negotiating the peace deal in Northern Ireland.
Beating the odds: U.S. Presidents Abraham Lincoln (left) and John F. Kennedy succeeded in the cutthroat world of politics
But another aspect of middle children’s personalities is an eagerness to please — born out of their efforts in childhood to gain attention — which can mean they are too easily influenced by friends.
More than half of U.S. presidents were 'middles'
That could certainly be said of Tony Blair over the Iraq War, when he seemed to be guided more by George W. Bush than by his country’s national interests.
The importance of a child’s position in the family birth order has long been recognised.
A vast number of studies show it is almost as crucial as genetic influences. But traditionally, the problem lies in the interpretation of the data, with too much emphasis put on the negative consequences of arriving in the middle.
The age gap between siblings can make an enormous difference to their personality and behaviour. Typically, siblings born within five years of each other will be most affected, as they vie for parental attention.
Eager to please: Tony Blair is a middle child but George W. Bush is not. Did that fact play a part in their relationship?
There is, of course, little doubt that middle children can be marginalised within families during their formative years. Eldest children are treated very differently, partly because their parents are going through the child-rearing experience for the first time, and partly because they initially have no sibling rivals, so they receive all of their parents’ attention.
They become the focus for all their parents’ hopes and fears, the prototype for the rest of the family.
Middles are independent and fair-minded
In contrast, by the time the third — or fourth — child arrives, parents tend to be far more relaxed about child rearing. The family unit is already well established.
So the youngest is often indulged, even spoilt, not least because the parents have often decided that this child will be their last.
This sense of indulgence often persists even when the youngest has grown up. Even adults in their 40s can be regarded by the family as ‘the baby’, an attitude that does nothing for their natural resilience.
Yet the sense of indifference from parents and isolation that ‘middles’ feel as children can actually serve them well in later life. The trials they go through, such as having to speak up to ensure they are not ignored, are good preparation for adulthood.
As our research found, middle children tend to have high degrees of patience, perhaps because they spend so much of their time in childhood waiting their turn.
Not just a pretty woman: Julia Roberts is one of the most highly paid actresses in Hollywood
They have to bide their time and wait while the first-born gets to star in the school nativity play, or they wait while the last-born’s paraphernalia is piled into the car. So they learn the art of delayed gratification, one of the true measures of civilised behaviour.
Interacting with those older and younger than them, they also learn the art of compromise. Less egocentric than the pioneering eldest or the coddled youngest, middles generally have a high degree of empathy, loyalty and the ability to see other people’s point of view.
That is perhaps why, contrary to the received wisdom, they are more successful at relationships. In one of our studies, we found that 80 per cent of middle-borns remain faithful to their partners, compared to 65 per cent of first-borns and just 53 per cent of last-borns — perhaps because the latter are used to getting their own way, which, as we know, doesn’t always happen in a serious relationship.
We also discovered that, for all their fidelity to their spouses, middles are often open-minded about sex and non-judgmental about others’ behaviour.
But there is a downside to this. Because middles are sandwiched between siblings and so have always had to try to please everyone as the diplomat of the family, they dislike confrontation and may shy away from frank discussions about serious problems in a relationship — a lack of honesty that can store up problems for the future.
Agents of change: Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King are typical of middle children who are determined to confront injustice
Understandably, middles are less attached to family hierarchies than their siblings, probably because they may not have such warm memories of family life. They often attach more weight to friendships and to the opinions of their peers than those of their elders.
They tend to be less close to their parents and, in contrast to their siblings, are more likely to move away from the neighbourhood where they grew up.
But that does not mean they do not want families of their own.
In our groundbreaking study of 300 siblings, we found that 99 per cent of middles want to have their own children, and revel in the sprawling, noisy exuberance of family life.
Tellingly, despite the experience of their childhoods, they do not favour their own middle children but instead lay a great emphasis on fairness between all their offspring. Indeed, this attachment to fairness is one of the most striking features of middle children.
That is perhaps why so many of the more ambitious of them become reforming politicians or agents for social change — because they are determined to confront injustice.
The hero of the anti-apartheid struggle Nelson Mandela, the American civil rights leader Martin Luther King, the Polish campaigner against Soviet tyranny, Lech Walesa, and the architect of Egypt’s peace with Israel in the Seventies, Anwar Sadat, were all middles.
Along with fairness, middles can also be robustly independent, partly as a result of having to strive to find their own niche within the family structure.
They are often infused with a freedom of spirit, a desire to break with conformity, which is why they can be so successful in the creative arts — just look at the careers of the great actor Richard Burton or the writer Ernest Hemingway.
So there is no need for despondency or resentment among middle children. Their position, with its road to independence, has perhaps put them in the luckiest position of all.
• Katrin Schumann is an educational consultant and co-author of The Secret Power Of Middle Children.
Registered User
Blah!!!! Middle child syndrome = a silly made up statement that some parents use towards that child as an excuse for the way they are acting!!!!!
I am a middle child (in between 2 sisters) and it would never have bothered me growing up being in the middle, had it not been for my parents ALWAYS saying to me "oh you just have middle child syndrome!!!" and saying to my sisters "oh she is just saying that or acting like that because she is the middle child" !!!! It farken sh*t me to tears and STILL does to this day. I never heard them saying to my younger sister "oh she's just saying that because she's the baby" or "she's just saying that because she's the older sister" !!!! I think it's a terrible thing to say to a child. I often wonder if it's also one of the reasons why I am the odd one left out with our relationship between the 3 sisters because my older sister and younger sister get on reasonably well whereas I don't talk to either of them that much. (we do live a fair way from each other too which doesnt help) I am also a very different personality to them and don't feel I have much in common with them in terms of interests etc. That's just life I guess.
I made my DH promise he is never to use that statement/words towards our middle child one day because it's horrible. He agreed it's awful and will never ever say it or mention it in our household.
I want 4 kids too but we've discussed having just 3 but then that would make my DD2 the middle child. But then I think well growing up in our family won't be like how it was for me as I will never put that onto my DD2 and say all those things so I guess it doesn't' really matter for us. kwim?
I think kids will be how they are, not because of their birth order but because of their personalities and genes.
Heaven - my girls are the opposite!! DD1 has always been a bit full on, bit of a handful! Whereas DD2 is so gentle, quiet (yet cheeky) and we already know, she will be MUCH easier to discipline than DD1 has been....
Registered User
In some ways yes I see that there can be a middle child syndrome, but not necessarily by the parents. And yes this was one of the reasons I really wanted to have 4 children.
My eldest son is absolutely doted on by his paternal grandparents, has had lots of sleepovers (there request) surprise little presents every now and then.
I had my 2nd son and honestly it was like he never exsisted in there eye, I don't think they had a picture of him put up in there house for over 2 years, they rarely choose to spend time with him and it was quite obvious (even to him eventually) that he was left out. I then had my 3rd son and my in laws think he is just gorgeous and now gets the same attention my eldest did.
I now find that I'm compensating for them, I'm overly conscious at times of the difference so try to give him that bit more. That being said he has a less demanding personality than the other 2, he is happy with his own company and isn't constantly at you wanting attention (will probably stand him in good steed for later life).
Have just had my 4th son, so don't know his personality yet but I am aware that I don't want him to grow up the spoilt little baby like my BIL is.
(Bit concerned to hear the 3rd child in a family of 4 is trouble....think my nearly 3 year old is living up to that reputation at this point in time)
Moderator
Shanti: good point, I must remember that - never use the phrase about the middle child thing. Thanks for the insight.
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks