4.5 year old behavior help/vent

[Artechim]

My DS is very challenging at the moment. From the second we get home from kindy he is full of meltdowns and misbehaves. The meltdowns are about anything trivial, he wants to sit where I have sat on the couch, did/didn't want what was left in his lunchbox when I asked etc. He is always asking for me to play with him but every time I do it is all over within a short time because he does something really silly - like he wants to play lego so I sit down with him and make a car. He has a great time playing with the car for a little while and then a bit breaks off (on purpose). So I fix it. Then it breaks again and I fix it but tell him I won't fix it again if he keeps breaking it. Then he breaks it again, I refuse to fix it and he then cries, yells and flops around on the floor for the next half hour.
Or he will draw a picture, then rip the picture, then have a big upset because the picture is broken.

It is driving me crazy. I feel like I haven't spent any time with him for ages because whenever I try he is just terrible to be around. He never seems happy We stayed at home this weekend for the first time in ages and it was really terrible. He was naughty all day and really horrible to his sister. He is bored at home but I can't get him engaged in anything. Either he is not interested in even starting or he ruins it within a minute or two. We try to give him lots of positive attention but it seems like he is so desperate that he is willing to be growled at all day

Is this just what other 4 year old boys are like? Because he isn't very enjoyable to be around lately

[Liviam]

I am no help I'm sorry because my DD is doing exactly the same thing. Everyone tells me this is a phase but I am really starting not to believe them.

Sending us both hugs becasue I'm praying it is a phase and we can survive.

Hoping tomorrow is a much better day for you.

[*EJ*]

My experience with my only just 5 year old is that yes, these tough and challenging times come and go in phases. We can have a couple of weeks of defiance, challenge and insistance in things going HIS way to all of a sudden have our cruisey, easy to get along with beautifully natured boy back.

I hope this is the case for you. Good luck

[LoveKnowsNoBounds]

I find that as well EJ. It comes in phases. He is happy and we are all happy then boom, he's difficult, sulky, defiant. We just had a few days of sulky. It was driving me insane. I have tried to turn it around today by taking him to the park to tire him out and bought some craft for Easter and we did it together. It made him happy but as to whether tomorrow he will be happy I guess we will see.

He might be tired after daycare. I try to keep things very low key on these days as he is exhausted and make sure he goes to bed on time. Is it everyday that it happens or daycare days? Could he be feeling sick? Has something maybe upset him lately?

[Arimeh]

I dunno, but mine hasn't gotten any better since turning 5.. I say bring back the terrible 2's!!!!!!

(and that is with one already going through the terrible 2's!)

Tonight he was SO disrespectful that he got sent to bed early and without his nightly cup of milk. Which caused him to have a bloodcurdling scream (my neighbours HATE us I think) because I wouldn't give him his milk as punishment for him being nasty to both me and DH. He then apologised - to get the milk. And I said no because he wasn't apologising because he knew he was being a brat and totally disrespectful, he was apologising because he thought it would get him the milk.

Mama don't roll that way in this house. Dis mama is mean.

He went to bed without milk. And early. LOL

[fionas]

I just spent the morning with my 4.5 year-old at kinder and TBH I can see why she has meltdowns after spending the morning there, then going to childcare. The kids spend a lot of time concentrating on small but detailed stuff like painting, playdoh, pasting, threading stuff. I know they're just playing but they're still using their little brains and concentrating. I think it all gets too much and they just need to chill.

I think the park is a great idea or a bike ride/swimming - just anything physical that doesn't require too much brain energy.

[RoyaUK]

my kids are like that when they're either exhausted, sick or having growth/developmental spurts. Or all three at the same time. It's exhausting but it'll pass. Eventually!

[YoYo]

Excuse me, I think you have my child. That's ok... You can keep him lol!!

I hope it passes soon too. You're not alone!


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[Liviam]

Excuse me, I think you have my child. That's ok... You can keep him lol!!

[Ginger]

hi arte- I'm going to go against the grain here and say that ds1 is not like this at all. it could be a personality thing. i don't know?
i know these sorts of things have been going on for a while for you though, and to be completely honest, i think maybe you might need to get some outside advice about it all. please take this in the way that i mean it, out of concern, not critiscm. you know that we are friends and thats why i feel that i can say this to you xox

[MamaPan]

G said what I was going to say. Whilst N has his moments what you describe doesnt sound like him - the meltdowns, almost 'sabotahing' his own games etc. If I am giving him attention he doesnt get upset while we are playing or if something goes off course.
It isnt so new for you - you have these cycles - perhaps related to his sleep?
I agree with G why dont you get someone to check it out for you - it keeps coming up and I dont know how you deal with it all.
Like G - this all comes from our friendship and how much I care for you and your kids. x

[Artechim]

Thanks everyone. Glad to see he isn't the only super surly 4 year old around.

I should have added that this isn't a passing thing - he has been doing it for at least the last 3 months. Don't get me wrong, he can be such a nice kid when he is good, it can just go bad so quickly. It is way better on kindy days. Staying at home is a complete nightmare.

G and MP, thanks - I do appreciate the honesty. The GP did refer us to someone about the sleep and I was going to bring up the behavior stuff then. He is acting like he was back before we started kindy, when he needed more stimulation. Perhaps there is something in this 'gifted' thing like his teachers say. I really hope that he hasn't outgrown kindy, it is still 6 months before he starts school.

[Tegam]

I think it sounds totally normal for a tired growing little man!

[MamaPan]

Arte
Def worth checking when the appt is for – I have no idea what they may find but it is so worth checking. I am just hoping you get some strategies/advice/direction on how to deal with it and it all becomes easier for you all. I cant imagine how hard it is for you.
I hope there is nothing else going on in some ways – but at the same time if it is something you can get help with perhaps that would be a relief and it would be good to have a ‘framework’ to work within.
Hugs to you my friend – you are doing a great job.

[Artechim]

Trill, from what I have read about giftedness, there is a large behavior aspect to it. I must have given the wrong impression along the line. He is an anxious boy, and he does like to have fair warning of what is happening and he is a perfectionist but he is nowhere near as rigid as you think. He is chatty and social, he plays with other kids. I am 99% sure he is not on the ASD.

But you are right, it has been going on in one form or another since he was about 18 months old. There is an issue.

I have been wondering for a while if it is possible that his intellectual side and his emotional side mismatch. I just googled and it is real thing - Asynchronous Development. It fully describes him, he is very smart but emotionally he can't cope with as much as you would expect from a 4 year old. Or maybe I expect more from him because he is so smart.

I will talk to the kindy teachers and see if there is any sort of help they can access. Just some tactics on how to handle him at home would be great.

[Ginger]

hey arte, how is it going?
did you end up getting on to the gp about the referral?

[Artechim]

Thanks G.
Chased up the GP today and he did make the referral a month ago. I guess I just have to wait for however long it takes to get an appointment.
Of course since I started this thread he has settled down again!

[kristi14]

I dont have time to read all the responses to this so i apologise if this has already been said.

Most of what will be driving this behaviour is tiredness. You are doing the right thing giving him positive attention but it is very important that you dont give him any attention at all when his behaviour is undesirable. This is very simple what i am going to tell you, but it does work. When he shows inappropriate behaviour, tell him in very few words what you want him to do ie. jumping on the couch "sit down please", if he doesnt comply hold up a finger and says "thats 1", wait 5 to 10 seconds with no other interaction or words, if he doesnt comply hold up 2 fingers and say "thats 2", wait 5 to 10 seconds, if he doesnt comply say "thats 3, take 4" and take him quietly to his room for time out. While he is in time out it is not a punishment, so if he plays with his toys in there its ok, after 4 mins tell him he can come out now and speak nothing more of what happened, clean slate. It will take several attempts at this before he gets the new routine but he will get it and generally they get it quickly. If the situation is something like hes hitting his sibling then you dont count to 3, its an immediate "thats 3, take 4".

Might seem too simple but i urge all of you having issues to try it. it does work, sometimes it takes perseverance. There is also a book you can get called 1,2,3 Magic which helps more in depth than ive gone today.