Wanting opinions on whether we are doing the right thing?
Hi there,
I haven't posted on FB for a very long time. But I wanted to see what others thought about this situation and whether we are being reasonable or unreasonable. Background is that I am married to a guy who has 3 children to a previous marriage, oldest is a boy who is 11 and 2 girls who are 10 and 7. We also have a 2 year old daughter together. There is a very long history of court battles and manipulation and so on (mostly on the mothers side but I'm sure we are not 100% innocent either). She is a child social worker so seems to think she is a perfect parent and does everything great and we do everything wrong. She wants everything her way and when it doesn't go that way she either drags him into court or gets nasty (usually the latter now that they are getting older). She has even gone as far as to bring up the topic of a particular type of abuse just to get an adjournment, to which she was given and return 3 weeks later with legal aid and the courts never questioned her about it so she completely got away with it, just an example of the type of person she is. We used to have the children Friday to Sunday every second weekend and half of all school holidays. We always have them when we are scheduled and never not show up when we say we will etc. I think my husband is a great dad and he loves all of his kids more than anything. So with that said, he used to have his kids from after school Fridaymto before school Monday (his ex lied and said he was threatening and intimidating her so she didn't have to see him cause apparently he makes her so angry. She even tells the kids doesn't like them face timing him because the sound of his voice makes her feel like he is in the house and makes her angry). But late last year they went to mediation because she said she wanted to move about and hour and half away and so he agreed for their current suburb to be the changeover point and they put it in their orders with a verbal agreement that things would remain the same until someone moved (yes, I know stupid move on his part). She also wanted them to start going home Sunday instead of Monday as when they move it would be easier t have it in place already than change it then, to which my husband agreed. About a week after this he found out she had rented a house from a friend of her mums in the suburb they were currently in so therefore were not moving. He also then got a letter from CSA stating she had asked for a change of assessment because he was no longer having the kids that percentage of time. She lost that because apparently it still fell in the same bracket of time. Anyway he got a text from her the day he was meant to pick them up next after the mediation saying dont forget you are now doing all the travel.
Ok so fast forward to today, there haven't been too many problems apart from the usual her saying he does nothing to support the kids financially, physically or emotionally yada yada yada (he gives them exactly 27% of financial, physical and emotional support which is what she has allowed him to have as she has constantly tried to minimise the time they spend with him). Thanks to their ipod touch he can now text with them and FaceTime so he pretty much has contact of some kind on a daily basis, as does she when they are at our house. They adore their baby sister, as does she adore them and when they come to our house they seem very happy and if anything the older 2 seem unhappy at their mums. They tell us that she makes them make her breakfast and do the dishes before school because she has a bad back and they have to look after the younger child alot because she doesn't listen to their mum. Both older children have openly told me (not my husband, they told me they didn't want to start a fight with their parents) they think their mum loves their youngest sister more than them. I tried to diffuse it by saying even if it seems that way all mums loves all their kids the same. Only because I don't want them thinking that cause it's horrible for them! We do not tell her any of these things they say because we worry they will just get into trouble with their mum. My middle step daughter has also said to me "but you love J more than us cause you are her real mum", I do love my step kids but there is a difference I would be lying to say otherwise, however I told her that no I loved them all the same because I am concerned for their emotional wellbeing. I never grew up in that type of family as my parents are together and I often wonder how difficult it must be for them wondering where they fit. So they call my sisters kids their cousins and everything.
Ok background seems long but that's because it is long! So the kids live about a 40min drive from us and also we only have 1 car. His son played soccer on the weekends in his area so he said to his ex that he will take him to soccer matches if she is can pick them up from our area in the afternoon, otherwise he would have to drive to pick them up fri, an hour to Geelong Sunday morn, then an hour back again then only a few hrs later 40 or so mins to take them home. She said forget it he can just play on the weekends he is with her. Then she said training is on a Fri night at so could he pick them up at 7. He got a little annoyed at this give he had just recently given up sunday nights so she could move and she didnt even move. So he said i have already lost time with them and now you want me to lose another 4hrs when i only see them 2 nights a fortnight. He said he would be happy for his son to go to training if she can drop him to our area but he he would still be getting the girls from school as it wouldn't be fair that they were forced to lose even more time. So a week or 2 ago they had an argument over text and basically she said she is changing him to a different club and the club is going to be in Geelong so about an hour or just over from our house and possibly playing as far away as Torquay according to his son. During the week he found out that soccer matches with that club are on Sat mornings at 11.30. Our 2 year old daughter has swimming lessons at 10.30 on Sat and has done so for a year now. So today he gets a text from his son about soccer and my husband said make sure the club know that you won't be going on the weekends you are with me unless someone can pick you up. He replied that his uncle John might and my hubby said that is really nice of him if he can pick you up we will make sure you are ready to go. So then he gets these abusive texts from his ex telling him to stop manipulating the kids and that they alread feel like our daughter is more important than them and that has contributed nothing to the soccer fees (why would he when she doesn't ever give any consideration to what suits him only herself). So now she is saying he needs to wake up to himself before its too late (basically saying the kids will hate him, she says it all the time). She also said that it's selfish of him to put J's swim lessons before L's soccer cause she's sure it wouldn't hurt her to miss all of about 8 lessons in the year. Now I guess on the surface she has a point, but when you dig deeper she is basically saying that L shouldn't have to miss ANY soccer games but that J should just miss her swimming which happens to be something she loves doing and is in fact, well we believe, an essential part of life to learn to swim from a young age. The other kids do swimming on a weeknight and they don't have to miss out. We can't do a weeknight because we work and at her age nighttime is not the best time for them to be learning, they are tired and irritable. But that aside, we also pay per term not per lesson so if she was to miss her lessons we have to pay regardless. And that all on top of the fact that we planned it to be a Saturday because firstly it fitted in with work and travel arrangements for the kids, but also because the middle child asked if we could do it when she could go and watch so we did. Also not long ago my hubby agreed to rearrange his contact so the kids could go on a holiday with their mum. And after the argument this morning she has said she will have to reconsider his make up time because L can't miss soccer. What the hell? Fortunately for her my hubby will not go back on his word cause the kids are excited about it. But it's really unfair that she calls ALL the shots!
So if you got this far, thank you. Families like this are so complicated its hard to tell a short story cause alot is to do with background!
Basically, I don't want anyone attacking me or saying I'm a bad person or anything cause I do everything for my step kids and I have a very good relationship with them (as far as I am aware). I have known them since they were very young, the youngest only a baby I fact. They have been through alot with us including the birth and death of 2 baby brothers (our sons). We only want what is best for them yet we also have to be aware that our daughter is entitled to a normal life despite that her dad was married before. It worries me because I just feel like maybe she goes to them and say things like dad obviously thinks J is more important and we work so hard to make them understand they do have a place in our family just like my hubby or myself or J. I think my hubby makes it clear to the kids how much he loves them and misses them, it's the first thing he says when he sees them every fortnight. And he even offered for his son to come and live with us because soccer team is successful and better high schools than her area (she is unsure where to send him mext year because she doesn't like the schools). But when he offered this she completely ignored him and when he asked his son if she had told him of course she hadn't mentioned it. My hubby asked if he would want to do that and he said he would rather stay n the area he is in because he doesn't have a lot of friends and doesn't make them easily so wants to go to the same school as his 2 friends he plays with. We told him that was more than understandable but that if he ever decided he would want to then to say so.
If you have any thoughts on how we could handle it better please offer up some advice! We know we are not perfect, it's very hard always considering everybody else. Personally I get so frustrated cause my hubby is more like don't work yourself up about it, it's her issues and she is p'd off I won't do what she wants so she is trying to p me off by saying nasty things he says he doesn't know why I let her get to me. Neither do I, but I just get so upset especially insinuating that the kids think we put J above them when in fact J's life and practically everything we do revolves around the kids schedule. We have 1 car and so if I arrange to do something on a Friday I always have t check if we have the kids and if so arrange it so that I can get to school in time to pick them up.
Ok now I'm babbling... Please advise on whether we are being unreasonable but also advice from any step mums out there who can help me learn how to not let it affect me?
Unfortunately I've never been a step mum but after reading through everything I don't feel your being unreasonable, I can't imagine how stressful these situation must be
Hopefully someone has some practical help for you!
I think you're being completely reasonable. While I haven't been the parent in these circumstances, I have been the child. In my life, it was my stepfather's 3 children and his ex-wife. She did everything she could to make life difficult and worked the kids to a point where they refused to come and see us anymore. The advantage your DH has is that he can contact his kids independently from their mother - my stepdad was unable to so she easily convinced them he didn't care. From what you've said, it sounds like the kids know how you both feel about them and they feel comfortable in confiding in you.
The sucky downside is that you end up putting your life as a family of three on hold until you're all together. We couldn't go out for dinner, or go anywhere unless we were all together. So there was a big frustration build up from my brother and I, mum too, because we knew that his kids were getting the best of both worlds, while we didn't really have a life. We went from looking forward to them coming fortnightly to dreading the visit.
Can one of you take your DD swimming and the other go to soccer and then swap over the next time? That way the kids don't miss out on their activity and they won't feel that favouritsm is being shown (not that it is but I'm sure the ex is saying it is).
It's really hard. Hang in there, it sounds like you're doing an awesome job and making the best of a hard situation.
It's really hard isn't it. I'm a stepmum and I think you are not being unreasonable at all! I agree with what PacRakMG said. My only advice is, you need to be careful not to put your life and your daughters life on hold to live around your step-kids. Does your dh's ex-wife give 2 thoughts about your daughter when planning things or anything. I bet you no she doesn't, her kids are her number 1 and your daughter needs to be your number 1, cause no one else is going put her first. I know I got to the point I was going to put my kids first above everything, because after seeing how dh's ex-wife treated them, the things my step-kids repeated from her. She wasn't going to give them two thoughts in anything or how anything would effect them. If I put step-kids first and their mother put them first, who was going to put my kids first. After making the change it has made things a lot easier for me and my kids. I leave the step-kids for dh and their mother to worry about, and I am now more just a friend to them, not a mother, they have a mother. I love seeing them and spending time with them but I don't stress about it, I make my own plans just like they do. I know I might sound like a cold hearted cow but this is how I get through it, how I have given myself and my kids the life we should have. You are doing a great job and you should never feel otherwise .
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Wanting opinions on whether we are doing the right thing?
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