A different type of grief

[blessedatlast]

I am grieving for pregnancy.. I tried for so long to achieve it, I didn't have it for long enough (although I'm so grateful I had it at all) and I will never have it again. I will never be pregnant again..

It's hard to believe I will NEVER poas again. I am having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that DS will be my last and only living baby. I spent so long monitoring cycles, peeing on sticks, looking forward to the BFP, getting depressed when AF arrives. I experienced a whole range of emotions for so long. Parts of me are glad I don't have to go through all the emotional turmoil that comes with it, but part of me is sad that I will NEVER have another pregnancy. I will NEVER have another baby

I have so much grief surrounding pregnancy. I hate the word..

And before anyone asks, yes I am seeing someone. I haven't yet, I have an appointment tomorrow. Thank God, cos I need it. Desperately..

ETA: I just wanted to add that although I have this grief, I am still happy. I am so grateful to have my amazing boy and I look at him everyday and know how lucky I am to have him.. This grief is new and I am hoping time is a healer.. I don't want to feel empty for the rest of my life although I do think there will always be something missing without my boys..

[Charlotte91]

I'm sorry, I wish I had something I could say that would help.
Sending lots of hugs.

[Kazzo]

I am so sorry that your having a rough time and I am happy your on your way to getting some help.

[diannescruffy]

Sending you a big warm embrace, I hope your talk tomorrow helps .

Regards,
Dianne

[glenny_c]

So sorry hon. I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you can feel some release after your chat tomorrow.
xx

[BlackRose]

Sorry you're feeling this way. You have had such an incredible journey and it's so understandable that you feel this way. I hope talking about it helps you move forward with your gorgeous little man

[feeb]

Hugs so sorry you are feeling this way, I am glad to hear you have booked an appt for help. You have had a turbulant journey it is understandable that you feel this way xoxo

[PumpkinZulu]

I can't even imagine how hard that must be.

[Diamond Girl]

I can't even imagine how hard that must be.

Absolutely this. Sending you so many hugs xx

[Lenny]

I hope tomorrow starts you towards some peace around the pregnancy thing.

[blessedatlast]

Thanks for the replies.. Yesterdays counselling session went really well, but it's so hard bringing everything up again.. It's been a long time since I went into such detail about the twins birth, death and first year after death.. Even when I was in NICU with DS I put the twins to the back of my mind a bit, otherwise I never would have coped...

I felt like absolute crap last night. That was to be expected though.. It was a long appointment and I really liked her, I am definitely going back. I am happy and wont let any kind of grief define me anymore.. I have lived like that for 3 and a half years, now I have DS and he deserves better than a Mother who is constantly trying to attain the unattainable. Although I would love more kids for many reasons, having another pregnancy/baby would never give me the 'perfect' experience I am chasing, so I have to get over it and accept this is how it is.. I have to work hard to not project my 'only child' issue onto him.. He might love being an only child.. I didn't though, so that's part of wanting more kids too..

I'll get there. At least I am doing something.. Thanks for listening (reading)

[Shanti]

I hope the counselling can offer you a bit more peace with it all. You have gone through soooo much