DD1 will be 6 in sep, and occasionally in the last couple months she has brought up about dying. she says she wants to be 1 again, the first time I asked why she replied its because its longer than til she dies. Since then shes also asked how old she'll be when she dies, how old I'm going to be when I die. Tonight she was getting teary about it.
I don't know the right way to go about this. I try and reassure her it's a long time away but I guess the concept time in children is not spot on. We've talked in the past about heaven etc when FIL passed away in 2009. But that being 3 years ago I don't know where its stemmed from now.
Any suggestions how to handle this? Its not something I expected.
TIA.
Personally, I think it depends on how much you want to tell her.
My DD is a sensitive soul when it comes to illness and death - she take great interest in it and wants to know as much as possible. I try not to sugar coat things but I am selective in what I tell her. When the subject of death has come up and she's worried about her own mortality or that of myself (she never seems worried about Daddy), I tell her that mostly people who die are either very sick or very old. We don't know anyone who has died in a car accident or other traumatic and unexpected circumstances, so I haven't mentioned that to her. DD seemed to accept my explanation and it settled her mind. I don't doubt it is a conversation that we will revisit many times. But for now, I tell her that those who are unfortunate enough to pass are very sick or very old. And she is neither of those things. I once tried to tell her I'm neither of those things but she insisted I WAS very old...
We went with the whole "you won't die until you're very old" thing too, but both DD1 and 2 heard things on the news, had a family friend who died and so we added that sometimes very sick people die too. DH and I are not at all religious, but have chosen to send the girls to a private Christian school. As a result, we also tell the girls that when you die you go to heaven, along with family dogs, cats etc. It ties in with the education and belief system we have chosen to support, but most of all it seems to give them enormous comfort that anyone who dies won't be by themselves ITMS.
I think wrapping their heads around the concept of death is really common at your DD's age and most kids go through some anxiety about it to some degree. Kids don't get the idea of forever until they are 7 or 8 and at your DD's age, she might still feel like she has control over events (magical thinking) which could be complicating her ideas. I think you're doing exactly what she needs you to do - lots of reassurance, age appropriate explanations and minimising the likelihood of it occurring anytime soon. Generally, the advice when talking to kids about difficult or controversial topics is to start simple and then be guided by their questions or their repeated raising of the issue over time as to how much more detail they need and are ready for. The only other ideas I have is to try and find out where it's coming from at this time - was it a book, movie or comment from another child at school? It might help you put it in context for her if you know the specific trigger. Also, I would try searching for ag appropriate book titles in an online bookstore to see if there is anything appropriate for your DD (this would only be if she keeps bringing it up over time and talking with her didn't seem to be helping).
I think it's normal. You need to be honest but also not let on her questions and emotions are concerning you. It's a difficult balance.
There's a great book called 'lifetimes' would strongly recommend it.
I think at her age it's pretty normal for theses concepts to start becoming more 'real' as they understand things better. If you reassure her at the same time as talking honestly but only giving her what she needs to know will help her understand but be comforting that it's not something mum is too scared to talk about.
I remember literally being scared to death of death at this age and my parents lack of answers has made it a really touchy topic for me ever since.
DD1 has been asking about death for a while.
I've explained that people die when they're very old.
I've also explained that neither mummy nor her are going to die any time soon because we're far too busy. She seems to be happy with this. I tell her that she's got kindy, then she's got school, mummy's got study, then mummy will get a job etc. etc. I say dying is for people who've done everything they want to do.
She hasn't asked too much about what happens when you die but I think I was just honest and said that no-one knew. Some people believe you go to a place called heaven, some people believed that you came back and some people believed that it was like being asleep.
Actually, I think the "asleep" concept was the one my mum and dad used on me and it really didn't provide me with much peace.
I too remember thinking about death a lot when I was about this age. I went to a Catholic school, so was told about heaven, but to be honest that scared me even more (after we die we have to sit on clouds and do nothing forever? how boring...). I used to talk to my grandmother about it, as she used to tell me lots of stories about my grandfather who had died when I was a baby. I don't know exactly how I got over it, but I did. I think it's a normal phase for children to go through.
Thanks heaps guys, alot great comments in there, will be keeping them in mind. Think it all just threw me, am all prepared for birds and bees talk when the time comes but didn't really plan the whole death dying talk!
For me when I was this age, the concept of death being like sleep was terrifying. I used to be scared of going to sleep in case I wouldn't wake up. It's something that is occasionally still with me.
I don't have any answers, but just wanted to give a different perspective on using the analogy of comparing being dead like being asleep.
DD1 has fear of death/ dying
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