Single, pregnant and baby's father is making life hell!!
I need advice please... and lots of it!!! I'll keep this story as brief as possible, because I could go on for days! Sorry if I ramble!
I had a relationship that lasted a few months with a guy and didn't really go anywhere. We got along well, but never had that real spark no matter how much we tried. I was on the pill at the time, and long story short had a course of antibiotics for an ear infection and here I am now 10 weeks pregnant.
I found out at 5 weeks and made the decision on my own to keep the baby. I wasn't asking the father for anything, nor did I expect anything. I'm 30, financially stable and have an amazing support network of family and friends. I told the father within a few days and I fully expected that he'd be angry and upset initially. He immediately started pressuring me to have an abortion... I was the worst person in the world in his eyes and everything was my fault. I tried to keep things civil and explained to him that I wasn't asking for anything and he could have as much or as little involvement or he liked. But it made no difference. He turned it into a really nasty abusive, personal attack... even down to sending me a text saying 'I hope you miscarry and I hope it sends you to the deepest corner of hell'. I stopped replying to his messages and answering his calls at this point, figuring I couldn't win no matter what I did.
Things went quiet for a few days, then he sent a text begging me to have an abortion as he had a new girlfriend and didn't know how he'd tell her or how they'd survive this. I just replied that what he was asking of me was completely unfair, then the abuse started again.
Things went quiet again, then a few days later he apologised and said that he wanted to be involved and have access. So all fine, we managed to have a couple of decent conversations and start to make progress. I told him the date of the first ultrasound (28 Aug) and he said he would be there for it. Finally, I felt a sigh of relief that it looked like we could actually have a civil relationship!
I got a text late one night last week telling me that he'd told his girlfriend. I asked if he was ok and he said he wasn't. I asked if there was anything I could do and got no reply, so I just left it figuring he didn't want to talk to me about it.
Then out of the blue this afternoon I get a text asking if I had photos from my first scan. I said no, and told him the date of the scan again thinking he'd gotten confused somehow?!? Then he started abusing me yet again... calling me for everything and accusing me of lying, saying 'his sources' told him I should have already had a scan so I must be making it all up. Clearly he's talking about a dating scan, but my doctor said it was unnecessary when I asked her about it at the beginning. Is it not normal not to have a dating scan? I have nothing to hide and I've been completely honest with him from the beginning. I've tried to be nice, I've offered him whatever involvement he'd like or none if that's what he'd rather. And he still treats me like crap. I'm stressed and constantly on a rollercoaster with him. What do I do here? Do I keep bashing my head against a brickwall and trying to have a civil relationship with him, or do I just walk away and hope he wakes up to himself? I just know I can't keep being continually stressed out and upset... it's not good for me and it's not good for the baby. I'm just so lost!!!
Do not reply to anything else. At all. I only had a dating scan once, with my 4th, because I had no idea when I concieved. Walk away & save yourself the drama now, or believe me, it won't end.
Nothing is any of his business til the baby is born.
Sounds like a very good thing the relationship was so brief. He sounds like a horrid person!
As far as the dating scans, lots of people have them, but lots of people don't. You need to do what is best for you and your baby because all this stress is no good. I'm really not sure how you should deal with this, but you need to look at what YOU want. If it were me, I would be telling him he can either be involved and be civil, or if the abuse is going to continue, then he won't be involved at all. If the abuse continues and you decide he will not be involved, you may even need to look into changing your number and possibly even speaking to the police about an order to prevent him contacting you.
I agree with the others about ceasing contact. I'd also start a diary of the communication you do have with him (dates, times and every word written/said) you may need it in the future.
What a ****er.
Some people get a dating scan early and some people don't. There's no need for them.
You've done your best to do the right thing. Now the ball's in his court. He can either be civil or have nothing to do with you. Since 2004 it has been illegal to send abusive text messages so if he keeps it up you can take your phone to the police and ask them to charge him.
Welcome to BB.
Last edited by Phteven; August 23rd, 2012 at 07:17 PM.
Congrats on your pregnancy, but wow what a piece of work! You don't need this stress right now I'd not necessarily cease all contact, if he sends a nice, genuine text and you're having a decent conversation I'd reply, but as soon as it got abusive again I'd take the evidence to the police. It sounds like he's done it enough now for there to be quite a lot against him. I'd do that every time until he realises he needs to man up and be civil, or nicks off.
As for the dating scan, I didn't have one with DD as my cycles are very regular and I knew when I'd conceived.
What a douche. Change your phone number, report the abuse to the police and get a restraining order. Take someone who cares to the scan if you want support. This guy may be the unwilling sperm donor, but he's not father material. I'd cease all contact and make absolutely sure you dont give the baby his name. It can stuff so many things up in the future, like registering the child at school, getting passports etc.
It's probably right him off as a loser you once knew. If he's behaving like this now, you really, really dont want to be stuck dealing with him for the next 20 years of your life. You should also get legal advice about birth certificates etc., especially if you claim welfare.
Thank you everyone for your lovely kind words and support. I really appreciate it.
I'm just at the point now where I wish I didn't even tell him in the first place! I fully expect that he will contact me the day before, or on the day of the ultrasound. But I don't want anything to do with him and I definitely don't want him there. I don't think he will ever make things easy, but I know that once I'm holding my beautiful little baby in my arms nothing else will matter.
Just letting you know, that you can give the baby his name if preferred, but if you leave his name off the birth certificate, then he has no rights. Unless he wants to prove paternity himself. But that would mean he would be up for child support etc if you do that & it will affect eledgability for FTB. You'd need to have an appointment with a social worker to recieve full entitlements.
Thats something you don't need to think about just yet, but something you may want to keep in mind.
Sounds like an ass. If I was you I would cut off contact with him, he sounds very unstable and seek legal counsel. You don't need the stress honey.
Maybe once he has calmed down a bit he might be worth talking to, but if I was you let your lawerys talk to his.
P.S I didn't have a dating scan....they are only necesscary if your unsure of when you conceived. So the first scan for me will be 12 week Nuchal.
Before I divulge my sordid tale can I just let you know that it does have a happy ending. I am on great terms wth DS1s aunt (his biological father's sister) and that everyone that was involved is truly happy with how their lives turned out.
Now... back to 1994....
My DS1s biological father and I had gone to school together and we were friends (and clearly also started a physical relationship). We were not in love, things just "happened".
When I first told him that I was pregnant there was disbelief but then he indicated that he would be there to support me. Within a couple of weeks that support had turned into avoiding me. I called him at his house and faced a barage of abuse from his mother who was insisting on DNA testing and threatening to "ruin me" and that I would never get a cent out of their family. I was finally able to speak with him and, when I asked him upfront what he wanted he stated that he didn't want to be a father and didn't want a child - full stop, not with me not with anyone.
I asked him if his decision was final and he told me that it was. He asked if I was going to have an abortion and I told him that it wasn't a possibility. I could not even consider the idea. I then told him that as of that moment he had no rights to the baby. He had no right to come and ask to see the child when it was born, he had no rights to call me in a week to say that he was wrong because, if I went along with his idea of an abortion I wouldn't get that option -it would be final. There would be no change of heart, the baby would be gone.
I stayed away from people who knew both of us (which, was most of my friends) and relied heavily on my family for support. I made new friends and embarked on a new life which didn't include him.
I didn't put his name on the baby's birth certificate. I told people that I had no idea who the father was and sucked up the snide "S*L*U*T" remarks. I let people think what they wanted to think. So called friends turned their backs over what I'd "done" to him but I had someone who was so much more important than they would ever be. I was interviewed by a really nasty woman at centrelink who shouted at the top of her voice, "are you telling me that you have no idea of who you slept with and who got you pregnant?" in front of all the other people who were waiting. I said actually no, I don't, so I signed an affidavit and was told that I wasn't entitled to the full amount because I wasn't claiming maintenance.
My advice is to be strong. Be strong for the little person who is growing inside of you. Make it clear to your ex that he is not a part of your life. Stop taking his calls and, if you have mutual friends, stop contact with them. It's tough but, as you said, you are 30, you are financially independent, have a great support network and, you have a wonderful new role of motherhood ahead of you. You will be amazed to find out how strong you actually are when you perceive that your child is threatened.
Times will be tough (fathers day sucks when you're a single mum by the way) but the good will always outweigh the bad. Enjoy every moment of your pregnancy, don't waste precious time agonising over "what ifs".
My most-wonderful, amazing, gentle, kind, thoughtful, clever and handsome little boy is not so little anymore. He's about to head off to university next year and start his own life out on his own. I could not imagine my life without him. He helped make me the person I am today.
I wish you all the very best on your journey and can't wait to hear more about your pregnancy. Much love to you and your little bean...
Reply With Quote
Registered User
Single, pregnant and baby's father is making life hell!!
Sounds like a very good thing the relationship was so brief. He sounds like a horrid person!
Bookmarks