How do i go about stopping this behaviour?

[*LittleMissSummer*]

My DD has hit the i won't say terrible two's as generally she is pretty good and most her tantrums were she would scream for a bit throw herself down and after a talk from either myself or DP she was fine. Now it seems she is lashing out physically at myself or DS.

Just a moment ago DS was in his rocker happily sucking on his dummy, DD who isnt allowed to have a dummy during the day unless its nap time walked over and wanted his. I said no, she kept trying to take it and i said "if you take it out of his mouth you will be in big trouble" which seemed to just provoke her and make it into a game. When i wasn't looking she took it and put it in her mouth, because she has the chicken pox he now can't use that one until i sterilise it. I took it out of her mouth, told her she was in big trouble and i would now turn cartoons off. Quick as a flash she let out her usual squeal when shes chucking a tantrum, came over to me smacked my arm, smacked the couch then walked over to DS smacked him then pulled at his clothes quite roughly (he was oblivious to the whole thing, still sound asleep) but it was quite alarming that she was that mean to him.

We use time out and smacking for discipline but both of these don't seem to be working. I have tried telling her that she has to be careful with DS as he is only little and she will hurt him but being 2 she doesn't quite understand.

So just after some advice on how to go about it as i would love to get on top of it before it escalates and i have a serious issue on my hands.

[Heaven]

Maybe stop smacking her? That's all that stood out to me in your post, and I hope you take this the right way, but she see's you hitting her when she does something you don't like so in her mind wouldn't she think it's ok for her to hit people when they do something she doesn't like? I know people have very different views with smacking or not smacking but those are just my thoughts. In our house no one is allowed to hit anyone else so then it's not confusing for DD's. No one is allowed to hit no matter what. That doesn't mean they don't though! lol. So when they get frustrated and hit I just draw attention to what they have done and how it hurt the other person. So I will say 'DD, we don't hit people, hitting hurts, poor DD2, she's crying now because it hurt her when you hit her. What should you have done instead when you felt frustrated?' And I actually find that's enough usually. I actually try not to rely on punishment at all because I find it doesn't work. It only makes them try not to get caught or not do something to avoid getting punished, when I really want her not to do it because it's wrong and hurts people. So that's what I'm trying to teach her anyway.

Not sure if that will help at all but maybe something you could try. Good luck!

[Jaycee]

Exactly what Heaven said. Stop smacking her. It's not teaching her anything other than her thinking it's ok to hit when she doesn't like something. Find another form of discpline.

[onthefly]

It's really normal for little kids to act out whenever there's a big life change or upheaval.

Rather than telling her not to do something or threatening her, I suggest telling her quite clearly that you will not allow her to do that (literally: I'm not going to let you do that) And then stop her. You may have to run interference, or you may need to keep whatever it is that she's after completely out of reach.

If she cries or yells, I'd just let it go - it's her expressing herself and that's ok. But physical violence we need to be clear about. Set an example and be clear with her that you won't allow it. Punishment after the fact probably won't be effective as she isn't able to do as you say and she may need clearer boundaries at the outset.

Above all she probably needs time and understanding from you. She's little and her world has just changed enormously. It's stressful having a new sibling - kids are left wondering where they sit in all this and do they still have a mummy (or did they jsut lose mummy to the little brother/sister). Spend time with her as you can and involve her in day to day stuff with her brother so she can see that you're all still family and there for her.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

You are using more than one parenting tool for punishments, which is great. I'd like to suggest some others for you to try which have helped me and why they work for us.

Smacking - doesn't work for us at all. In fact, DS likes it so much he'll come up to me and ask me to smack his bottom then complain it wasn't hard enough. He is a strange child.
Time out - only starting to work now, tbh. He's old enough to understand the need for thinking time.

Time in - when Liebs was upset about something, I would hold him and talk him through his feelings. Tell him that he was upset because X, however Y has to happen and when he calms down we'll do Y then Z, which he enjoys. Didn't work immediately. The first time it did work I remember clearly: I was dropping him off at Nursery, age about 2.5, and they had an animal day. His carer had brought in her pet rabbit. Liebling liked the rabbit, who was outside in a run, but the fence outside wasn't up so I couldn't leave him outside and go. Liebling had to go inside and was very upset. So I told him "I know you like the rabbit and want to stroke the rabbit again. It hurts and upsets you that I've taken you away from the rabbit, doesn't it? The rabbit is a lot of fun. I understand that. But there isn't a fence up, so you have to stay inside for a bit. You can eat your second breakfast while the fence goes up then, when T says so, you can see the rabbit again. The rabbit will be here all day. Do you understand all that?" Tears dried up, he ate his food happily and was manageable again. We'd talked through his feelings, I'd acknowledged them and suggested an acceptable course of action.
With your DD, I would say something along the lines of: DS is allowed a dummy in the day and you're not. Does that seem a bit unfair? Well, DS is sleeping now and you do get a dummy to sleep. DS is just a little baby and needs lots of sleep, so you'll see him with his dummy more. When he's bigger (insert other compliments if you like), like you, he won't need it as much and won't have it. And when he has his dummy and sleeps, we can do other things, such as *insert activity choice here - colouring, towers, baking, sweeping floors... something with a time limit, even help with a chore!*. Once time in is working well enough that your DD can do this for herself with minimal prompting, that's when time out really works wonders as she knows what she's supposed to be doing during that time.

Another technique is distraction, so if she starts on a dummy fix tell her it's a pity she wants a nap now as you were going to do XYZ that you know she likes.

You can also talk about stories, a story of a big girl who needed a dummy (maybe the "big girl" being a mummy?) and how silly the girl looks and encourage her to outgrow the dummy that way?

[Tinks]

My DS always took DDs dummy out of her mouth, I found distraction was the best way to prevent it. When I saw he was going to do it I'd invent something for him to look at or do instead then by the time he'd done whatever it was he had forgotten he was going to steal the dummy lol. Checking the mail was his favourite distraction. I'd also do things like look out the window and act as though the car parked across the road was very exciting or see if we could see any birds.

[Arimeh]

My kids have always reacted like this, it takes time to settle into having a new sibling. They have to learn how to be a big sister, she's not had to do it before. I'm pretty sure my kids are fascinated with a baby having a dummy and wanting to pull it out and stick it in lol.. like a big doll to them!

If she was one of mine, and the baby was sleeping and I could see that they wanted to do something with the dummy - I'd pull her onto my lap and distract, distract, distract. She's still so little so its hard to know how much they really comprehend when you discuss things with them. Not saying that I treat my kids like idiots, but I don't expect them to understand every word I say when they are that age.

[fionas]

Try showering DS with attention when she is mean to him.

[~ Mylitta ~]

Maybe stop smacking her? That's all that stood out to me in your post, and I hope you take this the right way, but she see's you hitting her when she does something you don't like so in her mind wouldn't she think it's ok for her to hit people when they do something she doesn't like? I know people have very different views with smacking or not smacking but those are just my thoughts. In our house no one is allowed to hit anyone else so then it's not confusing for DD's. No one is allowed to hit no matter what. That doesn't mean they don't though! lol. So when they get frustrated and hit I just draw attention to what they have done and how it hurt the other person. So I will say 'DD, we don't hit people, hitting hurts, poor DD2, she's crying now because it hurt her when you hit her. What should you have done instead when you felt frustrated?' And I actually find that's enough usually. I actually try not to rely on punishment at all because I find it doesn't work. It only makes them try not to get caught or not do something to avoid getting punished, when I really want her not to do it because it's wrong and hurts people. So that's what I'm trying to teach her anyway.

That's pretty much the same as in our house. We don't use smacking for the same belief. I do sometimes use time out for my 3y3mth old in order to remove him from a situation. For example, if he is angry/frustrated and lashing out at his sisters I will take him to his bedroom so that he has a moment to calm down and it also takes him away from his sisters so he can't hurt them anymore. I don't lock the door (it doesn't have a lock even if I wanted to lol) and tell him that when he is calm and ready to play nicely with his sisters he can come out. He generally comes out a couple of minutes later in a completely different mood. Not always though, lol.

[onthefly]

Although I agree with setting an example for kids in not smacking, sometimes kids do hit and act out in physical aggression even if they have never been punished in this way.

Wanting the dummy is most likely her way of telling you that she wants to be the baby again - the centre of attention. Rather than stressing about getting rid of the dummy, it might be more effective to concentrate on meeting that need for reassurance.

[Heaven]

It's really normal for little kids to act out whenever there's a big life change or upheaval.

Rather than telling her not to do something or threatening her, I suggest telling her quite clearly that you will not allow her to do that (literally: I'm not going to let you do that) And then stop her. You may have to run interference, or you may need to keep whatever it is that she's after completely out of reach.

If she cries or yells, I'd just let it go - it's her expressing herself and that's ok. But physical violence we need to be clear about. Set an example and be clear with her that you won't allow it. Punishment after the fact probably won't be effective as she isn't able to do as you say and she may need clearer boundaries at the outset.

Above all she probably needs time and understanding from you. She's little and her world has just changed enormously. It's stressful having a new sibling - kids are left wondering where they sit in all this and do they still have a mummy (or did they jsut lose mummy to the little brother/sister). Spend time with her as you can and involve her in day to day stuff with her brother so she can see that you're all still family and there for her.

That too!

[misty]

Distraction and interception are the best way to handle these types of situations. If you can see the signs that something is going to work into a problem don't wait to react. As soon as I saw her near the baby I would have been interfering simply because she is so young and unpredictable. I would have gone over and 'talked to her' about bubs, about her being a big sister, about how to touch 'gentle' (or even 'no' touching)' and I physically would have intercepted every time she reached for the dummy, said no firmly but quietly and tried distraction again. If she persisted I would have again said 'no' firmly and then physically moved her (without anger) to a different part of the room or house and distracted her with something else.

It is natural reaction for toddlers to lash out physically, as a parent our job it to try and guide their behaviors so that this doesn't happen, if it does (and it will at some point) you let them know what they have done is wrong and again remove them from the situation. It isn't enough to say no, to punish, you have to remove them from the situation and get them focused on something else.

I am by no means anti smacking (all my kids have been smacked occaisionally) but I don't think that this situation is one where it would be useful at all. She is simply too young to understand that her actions impact someone else and that she can 'hurt' others. She is just trying to get a reaction and attention. If you can give it to her 'before' she gets aggressive you have already won the battle and she has had her needs met.

[Arcadia]

I never had ds in reach of dd. do you have a playpen? I would put ds and the rocker in the playpen. You dd is really too little to understand that he is so tiny.

I would also avoid thinking in terms of punishment- 'trouble' smacking and discipline all point to a situation where you are dominant over her and she must 'obey'. Kids need a relationship of trust and understanding. She needs you to aim things at her level, and I think it's too much to expect her to leave ds alone. Yes it's a pain to always keep them apart, but it took my dd a long time to understand he wasn't a toy to play with (and they are the best of friends now),

Distract and avoid situations that might lead to a meltdown....it's all normal behaviour that doesn't need discipline.

[hipmummy]

I don't agree with not allowing him to be within her reach. It is important that she realises that he is part of the family. The more you try to restrict her, the more she will be determined to do things to him.

You need to think of this from her perspective. You used to be her mummy and she got all your attention. Suddenly this "thing" has appeared that is loud, takes up everyones time and attention AND gets to have his comfort dummy all the time where she only gets it when she sleeps.

I am not saying that she should be let loose, but it's important that she gets to spend time with you and him in a positive way. Singing songs, reading stories etc are good ways to do this.

Also try not to say she is a "big girl". she needs to know that both her and her little brother are equally loved by you.

Kids are smarter than we often think, she'll get there - it's all a transition. Good luck - it's a tough road sometimes!!!
Our midwife likened it to if your partner suddenly brought home another wife/girlfriend. How would you take it?

[Maruschke]

We do time out... not as a punishment, but as a way to train DD1 to be able to calm herself down. We usually go with her to time out (her bedroom) practice some deep breathing, and talk about what she might do when she gets out of her room. It seems to work for us, and might work for you, but all kids are different.

[~Kaz~]

Wanting the dummy is most likely her way of telling you that she wants to be the baby again - the centre of attention. Rather than stressing about getting rid of the dummy, it might be more effective to concentrate on meeting that need for reassurance.

Another idea not previously mentioned relates to this. Misbehaviour from young (and older!) children is the expression of a need. If you work out what the underlying need is, and then meet it, then it will resolve the behavioural "problem". It's not always possible to meet every need kids have (nor necessarily desirable) but in this case I think she is expressing her uncertainty about her place in the family and with you. You can try a type of 'time-in' where you simply sit and observe her play. Give her your full attention, no TV, phones, screens or DS around. Simply give her your attention and provide some comment/commentary on what you observe. Don't ask too many questions and don't direct her play at all or make suggestions. Just be totally interested in whatever she is doing (you can set up the activity beforehand to make sure it's appropriate play behaviour but then just sit back and watch/comment). Don't over do the praise etc. You don't need to do this for very long at all 5-10 minutes should be heaps but it's a really powerful way to re-connect with kids and reassure them they are important to you. Hopefully you will see vast improvements in her general behaviour if you can build this into your daily routine and she will be more likely to be more receptive to redirection of her interactions with your DS.

Good luck!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Our midwife likened it to if your partner suddenly brought home another wife/girlfriend. How would you take it?

Actually, I really, really hate this analogy. How many women walk away when their OH is unfaithful? If DH brought home a "new wife" the marriage is over, simple as that. How many children can walk away when they are given a sibling? So completely different power play going on. Also, it isn't sudden. Your child has a long time to process it IF you allow that to happen by talking during pregnancy. Heck, I'm not yet TTC and DH and I talk to Liebling about siblings, when appropriate: he has recently figured out that he will always be the older sibling if Mamma has a baby.

My main beef with a "new wife" wouldn't be an extra person in the house. I'd welcome help with bills and housework. I just don't want anyone else having DH's children, which means DH can't be unfaithful. As I am not going to have sex with my children I really, really fail to see the analogy.

[*LittleMissSummer*]

Thanks everyone

Ive taken a lot of what has been said on board. Distraction is what we have always done so i will have to be quick about it in future. Probably doesnt help shes got chicken pox so also not feeling the best so she's acting out. She's never been cuddley with me so ive tried to give her extra attention but she pushes me away.

Just now shes woken from a sleep, i went and got her and shes gone into DPs computer room to watch a movie with him despite me asking if she wanted to cuddle on the couch with me.