Struggling.

[maybebaby2012]

I'm really struggling tonight. It's probably partly hormones I guess. I'm trying so hard to stay calm, positive & have faith this time around and for the most part I am doing well but every now and again I get completely overwhelmed with fear about losing this pregnancy too. It's usually when I have a twinge or a cramp, I just can't cope with it without thinking the absolute worst. I want this so much that it terrifies me. I can't fathom going through it again and yet I know it's a distinct possibility given our history.

I want to go for an early scan but I am absolutely petrified at the same time and feel like avoiding it too I'm not even sure what the point of this is, we haven't really told anyone this time around so I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it, I guess I'm just venting and trying to clear my head. I think this week is really challenging for me because we are coming up to the point where I started to miscarry last time. I know logically there is no reason to expect that if anything were to happen it would happen this week, but it feels like a looming milestone none the less. I so need to get a grip or this will be a long 9 months!

[BrightSparkles]

Big hugs. Be gentle on yourself. X

[MLR1901]

Maybe - you are not alone! I was exactly like you. Unfortunately our journeys are a little bumpy, than others. And tad more stressful!
It doesn't get easier, but wait until you reach the 8 week mark, or further than you did before. I didn't have any bleeding with my m/c, so it was a massive shock.
We waited until 8 weeks, and low an behold there was a baby! I didn't know to cry or laugh.
I since then have had 2 big bleeds and been hospitalized, and did not want to see the scans so DH looked first, and there was cheeky bubs, wriggling around.
I'm still scared of scans I tell you, but I have had a mantra, take each day as it comes.
Massive hugs to you! PM me if you need to talk further.
Xx

[Hunter Mum]

Just hugs x

[myturn]

I reckon it makes total sense - it's a trauma, and you are coming up to an 'anniversary' of sorts.... so when grieving, this is a really normal reaction....

I wish there was more I could say that would be helpful... but I didn't want to read and not respond.... we are all crossing everything for you as well.



be kind to yourself and try to enjoy it if you can

[maybebaby2012]

Thank you

I really feel like I am doing better than last time, I have felt for the most part a lot calmer. But when I lose it I seem to really lose it & just cry and get super anxious and obsessive over things like checking cm. I think because it's been so darn long since I had a successful pregnancy I forget what 'normal' is, all of my recent pregs have been MC so it's almost like mc symptoms are my normal frame of reference.

MLR- I can see myself covering my eyes in the scan. It's just that moment where you can't turn back and you have to face the truth, whatever it will be. Sometimes I wonder if I would have coped better emotionally if we had waited, but then again the grief felt far worse when I was just waiting, it made me feel really helpless. At least now I feel like we are heading towards our goal of bringing home a baby, even if it's not guaranteed. It seems better than limbo.

Thanks for listening, I know how rambly and nutty I sound!

[myturn]

you don't sound nutty at all..... I needed to have a plan to do another IVF cycle this year exactly for the reason of not waiting.... I couldn't wait...

it's okay to fall apart sometimes you know xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[murraycod]

It's totally normal to be feeling like this, anyone who has been TTC and suffered a loss like you have would feel exactly the same.
I know I did, and do now XXX
Im praying that this pregnancy is a healthy one for you, and that you grow more confidence each day, and each milestone XXXX
Rest up.

[maybebaby2012]

I'm excited for you Myturn!! For some reason I take super stalky interest in the LTTTC'ers and anyone who has experienced loss, I feel so happy when I hear someone has made it to 'the other side'. I really hope that the next one is the one for you!

[myturn]

I like the whole idea of "super stalky interest"... it amuses me....

[maybebaby2012]

It's like I am finger crossing and high fiving everyone, even though they wouldn't know me from a bar of soap because I don't post in the threads! I'm an honourary member :P

[myturn]

well, I know you... well... sort of, as much as you can 'know' a total stranger over a few posts on a fantastic forum....

I think there are a few stalkers who haven't actually BEEN in there.... but as I am somewhat of an exhibitionist, I do not mind if others think I am worthy of stalking

I'll be stalking you too...... you and Emma seeing we shared a bellybelly group for a brief moment and had to bow out around the same time we have shared history my sweet xoxo

[LuluHB]

I think its totally normal. Crap, but normal. It seems so incredibly unfair that so much of the joy they tell me comes with pregnancy is taken away from so many women.

Hang in there, and don't be too hard on yourself when you do lose it. With each passing week the dark cloud hanging over your pregnancy eases a little. Take care.

[Emma09]

Oh my loveys....

It's absolutely normal to feel this way.
After a MC- we see pregnancy in a different light.
Just wanted to give you a big
I'm here if you need to chat xxx

Myturn- I'm forever stalking you

[myturn]

O
Myturn- I'm forever stalking you

awww shucks.....

[Chrispe]

*hugs*

Although my journey has been different yours I just wanted to say
" take each day as it comes"

(learned from my SIL who had 4 mc at the 6-8 week but is now 25 weeks pregnant with a healthy happy baby girl.)