A question about student violence

[Artechim]

My DS is 5 and just started school this year. Tonight he told DH that another child punched him in the stomach today. He said he cried because it hurt really bad . He told the duty teacher and then his class teacher. Apparently the other child was told off and had their name put on the board (where your name goes if you are naughty). The other child is 6 and is in the same class.

I didn't know about it until DH told me and I haven't had a chance to talk to DS about it yet. I am going to go to see his teacher tomorrow.

I would like to know what consequences other people have experienced for this kind of behaviour. Personally I don't think being told off is enough. I am seriously ****ed off that it happened to my son and the school did not contact me to tell me he had been physically assaulted. I have no idea if the other child's parents have been informed. I need something more to be done than having their name on the board.

TIA

[MummyNaomi]

Gosh, hugs how terrible

Frankly writing a kids name on the board in an attempt to shame them does not address the behavior or teach the child not to do it again. I too would be talking to the teacher to gain an understanding of what's happened and to seek assurances the school is doing all it can to ensure it doesn't happen again

[Phteven]

DS2 got hurt at school once. The boys involved are DS2's besties and a game got a bit out of control. When I arrived for pick up his teacher approached me and asked me to go and see the Deputy Principal who told me what he knew and let me know that he would be talking to them the next day to get a more complete picture.
The Deputy Principal spoke to everyone involved about appropriate ways to behave and guided a discussion about different choices that they could have made. He also spoke to DS2 to clarify that although he had done the right thing in being clear about saying he didn't like the game they were playing at the time and asking them to stop that he should have also approached the duty teacher. So the outcome was that afterwards they all had more tools for coping with stress in the playground.

I wasn't really interested any kind of punitive action. I know that all the boys involved are good kids that usually play nicely and I think that a discussion about better approaches to playground tensions is more constructive for everyone involved.

[Hetty]

That was not dealt with properly. Contact the school (his teacher or the assistant principal, principal or year coordinator). Tell them what happened, that your son was hurt, and you aren't happy with how it was dealt with. Don't go all crazy though, do it when you're calm, you'll get the best result that way.

[*Ang*]

Hmm its such a minefield out there - my biggest bit of advice would be, and I am saying this kindly, don't always believe everything your child is telling you.

Punching in the stomach is inappropriate for sure but you have no idea what went on before hand - perhaps the child was provoked? Certainly not excusing his behaviour but there are a lot of play ground incidents that occur where parents are not informed - at our school if it is deemed serious or consistent behaviour then parents are notified but one off incidents where no serious "damage" is caused aren't necessarily brought to our attention, especially if it has already been dealt with in house.

[LizLemon]

I can see how this would be very upsetting for you - I hate the thought of this happening to my kids.

I think you are well within your rights to approach the teacher and ask for clarification of what happened, and of what their policy is for dealing with it. I don't think it's necessarily for a 5 year old to have to go home and tell their mother about an incident - I would have thought a quiet word from the teacher when you picked him up would have been reasonable.

But - kids that age are still working out how to play together and learning how to respond to conflict and where the boundaries are. If this was a first incident from the child and the situation was well understood by the teacher, then being reprimanded and name put on the board could be a good lesson. If the child has a habit of beating up on other kids or bullying then the teacher would need to take further action.

[chody47]

I too would check what happened with the teacher. If it was a blatant punch to the stomach than no, I don't think it was dealt with appropriately (especially if it wasn't a first 'offence'). However, as a teacher I've found there are often times that physical violence was actually an accident (eg, playing some weird superman game and running around with their arms out, not looking where they were going and hand hit the stomach of another child). IF it was an accident then maybe the name on the board was more of a warning to try to play safer? That being said, I still think you should have been informed that your child was punched (whether on purpose or accidentally).

[Rouge]

Just try really hard not to go straight to "My child is bullied"

Sometimes these things happen. And it's not because your child was a target or because the school doesn't take things seriously. Parents aren't generally told what consequences take place due to the fact that parents can go OTT. And they do this to stop that from happening. And to protect all children.

Talking to the school about being notified is important. But try to keep a lid on your reactions with your own child. It's very easy to go "WHAT HAPPENED!?" And then create fear and anxiety in your own child as a result.

It's awful when they get hurt at school and we aren't there to help them through it.

[loulabelle]

Just try really hard not to go straight to "My child is bullied"

Sometimes these things happen. And it's not because your child was a target or because the school doesn't take things seriously. Parents aren't generally told what consequences take place due to the fact that parents can go OTT. And they do this to stop that from happening. And to protect all children.

Talking to the school about being notified is important. But try to keep a lid on your reactions with your own child. It's very easy to go "WHAT HAPPENED!?" And then create fear and anxiety in your own child as a result.

It's awful when they get hurt at school and we aren't there to help them through it.

This.

It's really hard and I completely understand your worry. Ds1 has started this year too and there has been one or two things that have happened that have made me worried. He got scratches down his neck from a kid in his class for example.
I've tried not to make a big deal of it as I don't want to create anxiety for him. All I did was explain what he should do if the situation every happened again. I didn't say anything negative about the other child.
By all means you can say something to the teacher, but I would just say something along the lines of 'he's a little bit sensitive today, he got hit yesterday and was a little upset so keep an eye on him' that way your telling her that you're aware of what happened but not going in guns blazing. If it happens again then speak to her about what's being done about it.
What I try and remember is that these are only small children who are only just getting used to school. They are often overwhelmed and overtired and not quite sure how to handle situations. Some kids need a little extra help with impulse control.
Anyway, that's what I'd do, but you know your child and you need to do what feels right. I know it's upsetting

[Artechim]

I talked to the teacher this morning and apparently they were roughhousing while playing basketball, DS snatched the ball and the other kid punched him. They both got a talking-to about playing nicely.

The other kid involved is the child that I caught locking DS in the toilets last year when we went on a school visit.

Hopefully nothing else happens.

[nickle730]

5 and six year old boys don't tend to have great impulse control. Rough housing can easily escalate into inappropriate behaviour. Punching another child in the stomach is not OK, nor is snatching a ball if it is not part of the game. It's good that the school spoke to both of the boys about appropriate play and hopefully they will monitor the way all of the children are playing together and assist the kids to play in a way that is respectful and enjoyable for all of the participants.

I have a huge issue with a 'naughty board'. What is the purpose? To publicly shame kids into behaving? To teach them to be sneaky about misbehaviour so they don't get caught and have their name put on the board? Honestly, the idea appalls me and I don't see how writing a kids name on the board for all to see and labeling them as 'naughty' is constructive.

I hope your DS is ok, it's awful when you hear of your child being hurt and you weren't there to comfort them.

[Seven Oaks]

How are things going now Artechim? My DS is in kindy this year too. I'm currently keeping a close eye on things with our DS, as he has reported a few things to us, though never an outright punch to the tummy, poor kid. My DH and I have both worked in schools and each school has there own way of dealing with such situations. However, as a parent you have as much right to take it as far as you feel you need to, like to the District Office of the DET if at a public school. Any formal complaints to them HAS to be fully investigated, which would involve the complaint being put forward to the school, and then a meeting being arranged between youself, the school and the District Office.

We have taught our DS to tell a teacher immediatley if someone hurts him intentionally. The other day DS said a classmate had sctrached him with a pinecone, which I thought odd (he can tell porkys sometimes), until he turned and showed me the big red scratch on his neck. I asked DS what he did, and he said he told the teacher and the classmate missed out on free play time. He has not mentioned it since, so I'm happy to let that one be. I hope things are getting on better for you guys.

[Artechim]

Coincidently, just today DS came home and said that the same kid punched someone else in the guts. Hopefully they do something about it now that he has done it more than once.

[Seven Oaks]

oh no thats no good to hear

[YoYo]

My little Man started school this year too and always seems to be the child bullied/picked on by others. I try not to worry but it's hard, but I just kept an eye on the situation and nothing seems to be happening now thank goodness. I had mentioned it to the teachers, and the child who did things to him also does things to others, so they know who to keep an eye on IYKWIM....DS doesn't retaliate, just walks away from things, but I was worried that one day he would and would pound a kid that did something to him (he's no lightweight )

I gained a lot of faith from the teachers and they way they handled things, but I know that sometimes they don't see EVERYTHING that goes on. I'm also pretty sure that DS talks it up to me a little bit too