Pinky's blogs today

[Frangipani Lou]

Has anyone else read Pinky McKay's blog posts from today?
I love the rant and follow up blog post explaining the rant.
Unfortunately I can't post the blog here too much swearing!
Google search parenting by heart and at the top of the home page there's a link to the blog. Well worth a read, especially if your a gentle parent.

[maybebaby2012]

I laughed! I think she might have gone a step to far but it certainly didn't offend me. I can completely understand why she kinda lost her **** too, sometimes I too get tired of showing more empathy and gentleness than some parents are willing to show their own tiny babies :/

[Frangipani Lou]

Me too. I constantly have to bite my tongue at mothers group with mums who have trained their babies and who are competitive and call their babies names.

[RhiChiChi]

I had a laugh but understand why some may have got offended.

[Trillian]

I'm going to go against the grain and say I thought it was unprofessional and if I was a parent who was in desperate need of her services, I'd be terrified I'd become fodder for her next rant. People are entitled to rant about the less joyful parts of their job - I do it myself, but to do it in the public arena isn't cool. Do it in private if you must do it. I read it and cringed. I think her rant is misdirected. Don't rant at the parents - rant at the situation that got them to the point where they are contacting you. There is so much disconnect between parent and child from the moment they are born in many cases that it's no wonder that people need to be told to pick up their baby - they have been socially conditioned to see babies as manipulative little devil-spawn and they need to learn that it's OK to cuddle for hours. And as for her response to her original rant, well doesn't she think that people call her for the instant fix because they are desperate? I have no doubt that at times it would be tiresome, but calling people dipsticks? I just think it was a bit disappointing?

[Floweryfields]

I would have a lot more respect for opinions if they were provided without the excessive language as well. Doesn't come across as a professional or respectful way to write.

[wysiwyg]

I just think it was a bit disappointing?

I agree a bit disappointing - also I really dislike the whole we are the ***, they are the **** approach - in one of the pieces it says about not following a particular dogma but being your own parent - I totally agree with that. But then she is using the whole us and them thing when really we are a continuum. The whole us and them thing might work well in marketing terms though - "uniting people against a common enemy" will win brand loyalty with many.

I would have a lot more respect for opinions if they were provided without the excessive language as well. Doesn't come across as a professional or respectful way to write.

I agree - this wasn't her "personal" blog but her "professional" one.

[Beatrix]

I found it upsetting to read, considering I'm currently struggling with a 7 week old who cries and fights sleep a lot.

Specially as I have had to put her down and let her cry, and not for any reason she has stated but still horrible read and way to put down parents who are struggling and have reached out to her.

[Heaven]

I thought it was awful. I understand she was frustrated, but to attack mothers?? Calling them '#$€%ing lazy' and worse. Not cool by me. And certainly not professional. For someone who is supposed to have so much empathy for babies maybe she could spare a bit for their mothers.

I am a gentle parent and maybe I sometimes even think some of those things in frustration but I can't think of any situation where it would be helpful to say them out loud. Seems like she's supportive only if you agree with everything she says. I'd rather support all mothers, no matter what they do, because they're all just trying to do their best.

[Rosey]

I wasn't a huge fan of the post. I did pull from it some wording that I love and absolutely agree with 'stone age baby in a space age world'.

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

yeah it popped up in my FB newsfeed and i found it to be in really bad taste.

Everyone is entitled to bemoan the downsides to their job but to do it in such a public forum? not on, even if it was "tongue in cheek" as has been purported by those who support her. I feel for any strung out, sleep deprived desperate parent who happened to come across that post today.

she may be a "sleep guru" but not a very smart move on her part to bite the hands that feed her!

[lady_neon]

I agree it was unprofessional.. however I had a pretty good chuckle!!

[Frangipani Lou]

It's worth reading her follow up blog post. It clarifies things a bit.

[Frangipani Lou]

Can I post it here??

Why I flipped my lid at baby tamers

WRITTEN BY PINKY MCKAY ON MAY 30, 2013. POSTED IN BABY, EDUCATION, PARENTING
Clearly I have upset people with my late night rant about baby tamers. My tongue was firmly in my cheek when I let fly. I am sorry if I have offended you, especially if you are a desperate mother. You deserve an explanation:

For more than thirty years I have been kind, gentle, accepting. I have written thousands of articles and columns for magazines, websites, newspapers. I have written gently in my books. I have spoken gently to parents, especially new parents.

I have argued on radio and TV about the rights of babies and children – to be heard, to be nurtured and to be treated with respect. I have also advocated for parents to be supported.

But you know what – it feels like chipping away at an elephant with a toothpick. I am sick and tired (literally) of seeing parents who are being responsive to their babies needs being hammered by everyone around them – from peers to professionals. These parents get crap every day about their gentle, responsive choices to follow their intuition. They have lucky babies but their confidence is shot to pieces by everyone around them telling them they are doing something wrong.

Last night my cork popped! I had been doing a phone consultation with a truly lovely mama from the UK (yes I work beyond office hours and across time zones). This beautiful, intuitive mother who was meeting her baby’s needs simply needed some gentle tweaking and a big dose of support – without being told she was creating ‘bad habits.’ This mum had it tougher than most – as well as a lack of support for her nurturing from friends and family ( apart from her loving partner), this mum had been through the pain of her first baby dying. She had become pregnant soon after, so imagine her anxiety and concern for this precious child (please don’t read into this that there are parents who don’t think their baby is precious). She didn’t need her confidence undermined.

This triggered flashbacks for me. We have lost babies in our family too. My beautiful brother and sister-in-law also experienced the sudden death of their first baby. One day I was cuddling and playing with baby Ryan and the next day he died. At the time I questioned – why do such amazing parents who have never ever left their baby to cry, who would do anything for their baby without complaining about the ‘inconvenience’ have to go through this?

I am a mum of five and I have grandbabies. I DO know what exhaustion and desperation feel like. I have been there with babies – and with teenagers. My husband was often away for work for weeks at a time. Many times he was on the other side of the world. I did a lot alone . I have experienced nurturing against the popular tide –I have been given hell because I wouldn’t leave my babies to cry, I wouldn’t ‘smack’ them , and now I find myself swimming against the tide because I won’t accept baby training.

Maybe my frontal lobe is shrinking with age - maybe that’s why my filters are off. I am no saint nor have I ever pretended to be. I have always said what I believe – I know swearing offends. I don’t like to pit mothers against each other but I am truly concerned that ‘being nice’ isn’t working to turn the tide against the huge push for ‘convenient babies’. Where does it end? If you name call your baby at 4 months old and you aren’t prepared to learn and listen then, what happens to the next generation of teenagers?

I have 18 years between my youngest and oldest ‘kids’. And I can vouch , there are a LOT of disconnected kids out there –and it seems to be getting worse. My youngest went through a stage of bringing homeless kids he met at the station to stay at our place. These kids had been kicked out of home –at 14, 15 and 16. I won’t collude with kids who may have had an argument with parents so my rules are, if you are going to stay here, I need to speak to your parents. I found myself speaking to parents of these kids and saying it ‘damn straight’, “you have a duty of care,” because, sure enough , the parents had kicked their kids out. And no, these parents weren’t without resources to get support– I drove one kid home to a mansion. I hooked others into a local housing support organisation. I drove a few to appointments at a youth drug and alcohol counselling service. I took a car load to a youth family planning centre so they could all have a chat with a counsellor about ‘safe sex’ after one had asked about the ‘morning after pill’. It turned out this 14 year old had had unprotected sex. Her own mother had kicked her out and a phone call didn’t make a difference, so I took this kid to a doctor. I took one who was self-harming to a community psychiatric unit for help and I have sat in emergency wards with others – whose parents were just ‘too busy’ to drive them to hospital (one had been badly cut and needed stitches through tendons in his leg and another had acute appendicitis). I could go on….

My daughter is a psychologist in a school (a nice private school in a good area). She sees kids who have been kicked out of home too – at 14, 15 and 16.

I have experienced ‘the bigger picture’. I don’t get angry very often – ask my kids. Last time I flipped my lid was over a year ago – After a yell, I stomped off to my bedroom with a cuppa and very soon I saw one kid go to the clothes line with a basket of washing and another took the bins out.

Lately though I have been feeling utterly frustrated and at a complete loss and I did need a vent. You see, no baby or child deserves to be treated like an inconvenience – at any age. Ignorance isn’t an excuse. I don’t care whether you sleep with your babies, baby wear or breastfeed – or not. You can nurture responsively without adopting labels or following any particular dogma or philosophy. This is YOUR child and you do know your child best – if you listen and trust. ’Your feelings might be fragile but so is your baby. You are the grown up in this picture. You chose to have a child.

Nurturing your baby – you don’t have to be perfect – does matter. Your baby will be making a difference in the world – he needs the capacity to form relationships, to show empathy and to experience JOY!

While I understand that parents who I have labelled as ‘tamers’ are reaching out. I feel upset that their ‘reaching out’ emails are disrespectful to their babies. They are also disrespectful of my time. These are not parents requesting consultations – they are expecting me to email a ‘quick fix’ and some even get angry that I don’t post their requests on facebook or that I don’t answer their emails.

I don’t have endless time and energy –I have provided a wealth of information to read and listen to. I have interviewed leading international experts in child health and development as well as parents well-being. I have recordings of the latest evidence based information available. I spend many hours posting information on facebook so parents can feel supported and educated. I offer seminars and I do voluntary sessions with young, migrant and disadvantaged parents. I used to offer scholarship consultations but found that some people (not all –others were truly in need and appreciative) took advantage of these. So I stopped offering them.

I don’t know what the answer is to see that vulnerable infants and children are respected and responded to, but if my rude rant gets such a reaction, perhaps it’s at least making people think.

www.pinkymckay.com.au

[dusty]

I think her follow up post is brilliant. Yes she's a human being, yes she may have overstepped a professional line but it's sounds like she's desperate too, almost a lone voice in the noise of baby whisperers/tamers. Good on you Pinky for owning your rant and looking for something good to come out of the stir it's caused. I just hope that years of her good work and messages won't be lost or forgotten because she had a bad day. I think we can focus on the bigger picture especially those of us who know where her heart lies and all the hard work she's done to promote gentle parenting.

[meow]

I don't think she has to maintain any sort of behaviour because she's a "professional". She's Pinky, she is who she is and I actually like a woman who can swear.

As much as I loved it, I thought there were some tangents that went a little overboard but I wasn't offended and I think good for her for having the balls to come out and say it.

[HotI]

I find some of her writing quite wishy washy, and so found her recent blogs quite refreshing, enjoyed seeing a bit of spark.

[Jellyfish]

Two things she did get out in the post somewhere (can't remember exactly where or how it was said) kind of resonated with me in amongst the turbulent waves of ranting lol.

The first was about being thankful your baby is crying because it means they still trust you. I loved that because I like being able to frame things positively!

The other was about looking at the situation as the baby HAS a problem rather than the baby IS a problem. Important distinction I think and a good way to remember that the baby is a person too.

But the post as a whole, eh not my cup of tea. Interestingly I just wrote (like 2 days ago I think) about my general respect for all (with obvious exclusions) parents regardless of our differences and such lol. Seems like I'm always on trend even when I don't try!