Intro and question about room sharing...

[Nat]

Hi, everyone. I'm new to this forum, so I suppose a brief introduction is in order, but feel free to skip ahead if intros aren't your thing.

I'm Nat, single parent of an almost four-year-old little boy who is the centre of my universe. I don't know anyone in RL who practices gentle parenting, so I'm sort of alone in this. Recently I had a string of bad weeks where I was cranky with my DS all the time, to the point where he started to get that heartbreakingly fearful look in his eyes whenever he knew he was about to get yelled at. So I did some soul-searching and identified the problems, DS has forgiven me, I've mostly forgiven myself, and I'm more or less back on track. The whole thing led me here, though, because I realized I needed to seek out some support from people who understand, even if it's just the occasional 'yeah, I feel you sister'. So. Hi?

Here's the issue I need some advice on: DS and I have co-slept since he was 9 months old, and recently he has transitioned part-time into his own bed. His bed is in my room, and he starts the night off there (after a very long and comforting bedtime routine) but is welcome to crawl into my bed with me when he wakes in the night. Because we share a room, I'm always in the room with him when he falls asleep.

Lately, this has been an issue as he has been doing everything he can to try to engage me at sleep time-- telling me he loves me, asking for kisses and cuddles, wanting me to fix his blankets... basically anything he knows I won't refuse him. It's not a questions of tiredness; he doesn't have a day nap and is definitely ready for sleep by bed time.

I'm not sure what to do. By this time at night I just really NEED for him to go to sleep so I can have a break, you know? So I start getting frustrated because he won't stop talking to me, but ignoring him completely seems... cold? I'm worried he would take it as a withdrawal of affection. I don't know how he'd go if I left the room for him to fall asleep on his own, but I suspect he wouldn't be a fan.

I'm completely at a loss. What would you guys do? I'm open to any suggestions.

[Santosha]

Hi Nat, welcome to BB!

I think at almost four, your DS is old enough to understand that a lack of engagement is not a withdrawal of affection if it is communicated clearly and respectfully to him.
I'd say something along the lines of "whenit's time for you to go to sleep, sometimes it seems like you want to keep talking to me. But when we keep chatting, it keeps you awake. Tonight, we are going to make sure you have everything you need (list likely requirements in terms of toilet, drink, tissue, temperature...) and then it will be quiet time. I will not answer any more questions. You might feel frustrated that I'm not talking and that's ok. Mummy loves you so much and I love chatting to you all day. But when it is quiet time, I'm going to help you sleep by not talking any more."

If your kid is half as tenacious and inventive as mine, he'll come up with 100 things that might require a reaction. I guess you can hold firm and just sit quietly, or, what I'd probably do is say that since he's having a hard time not asking questions, I might have to go and sit outside the door. I would provide one warning and then follow through with sitting just outside the room for a few minutes with a clear, calm, simple explanation that you will shortly return but you will only stay if he is calm and quiet. I'm guessing that withdrawing might not sit comfortably with you, but I do honestly believe that he is of an age that he can understand your intent (that you are not abandoning him, you are providing a consequence to behaviour) and feel secure within the boundaries set.

I ultimately found that my presence was too much of a temptation for my DD and she couldn't help but play up for my 'benefit'. We started doing rapid return - I'm just going to make a cuppa, I'll be back in a minute... I've just got to go to the toilet.... ' till she adjusted to us coming and going. Then wtold her that we would be back to check on her every five minutes (and kept this on a schedule and not in response to her calling out) and then ultimately said that we can come back ONCE (she chooses when and either does this within five minutes of lights out or forgets to call out, gets lost in singing and then falls asleep!!)

The other things that worked like magic were a choice between a little torch or a glow stick (packets of 10 are about $2 from the reject shop... well worth it!!). She was so thrilled with these she readily made the switch to the once-off check in. Sure, she mucks around with thm a bit, but she's happy, feels safe, has choices and we have our evenings back!

Hope there's something in there that may help.

[Nat]

THANK YOU, Santosha, that absolutely helped. I'll have a talk with him before bed tomorrow and we'll see how we go. I feel much better about the whole thing, regardless. DS is definitely tenacious and I'm sure he'll think up some new and wonderful ways to keep me interacting with him, but I think I'll start leaving the room for small stretches and see if we can work torwards getting him to fall asleep without my presence. Thanks again!

[~clover~]

I am in the room when my 5 year old DS goes to sleep. But he's in the top bunk, DD3 in the bottom bunk. I lie down with her, so I'm in the room with him as well, but not where he can make eye contact. He will sometimes yack my ear off, but once I get firm with him, he'll settle down. He's in full time school now, so that means he's asleep within 15 minutes most nights.

I just say firmly, 'I love you, but its sleep time now, good night' & I try not to reply to him. Maybe if he keeps going; 'DS, we're sleeping now, good night'. I don't know how long it will take for him to be able to go to bed without me in there, but I still have to lay with DD, so there's no point worrying about it now. They still both come into my bed through the night.

Could you just separate yourself from him/his bed & go from there? Maybe read in your bed while he goes to sleep? So you're there, but separate from him. Once he gets used to that, do the 'duck out' thing. Just going to the loo, or to make coffee & come back. Leaving it longer & longer til you come back. I was doing this with DS & still will, if he doesn't crash first

DD3 is allowed to snuggle all she likes, but no talking. I'm the same with her & usually reply with 'shh, its sleep time now, no more talking'. She's much more stubborn though :P

My older girls were both sent to bed at 8.30, alone with a lamp, from about 3. I have no idea how I did that I wish I could do it now, I'm so exhausted by the time they're all asleep that I'm too tired for my alone time

[Nat]

My older girls were both sent to bed at 8.30, alone with a lamp, from about 3. I have no idea how I did that I wish I could do it now, I'm so exhausted by the time they're all asleep that I'm too tired for my alone time

I'm with you there! My sister practiced controlled crying with her son; he has just turned 2 and he puts himself to bed in his own room most nights with no parental interaction at all. While I would never choose that for my DS and me, sometimes I do have to sigh wistfully and wish I could have it that easy just for one night!

We've got the mini-separation part down, I think: we snuggle in his bed for a little while, have a bit of a chat, read stories etc. until lights out, and then I sit in my bed while he stays in his. He's mostly okay with that, though lately in his efforts to get my attention he has been asking me to come back and snuggle with him more or asking if he can come into my bed. I usually tell him that we've already had lots of snuggles and I will come back and give him a quick cuddle but then it's time to sleep, and that mummy wants her bed to herself for a few hours but if he wakes up later he can come into my bed then.

I think the "duck out" thing is definitely the next logical step. He can't keep trying to engage me if I'm not in the room, and if I'm only slipping out to use the bathroom or get a drink of water I won't feel like I'm using withdrawal as a punishment for not doing what I want.

Not that you aren't right, Santosha-- I think he is old enough to understand that my leaving the room is a logical consequence of his continuing to talk, not me taking away my affections because he won't obey me. But in his particular case I think it would be counter-productive to getting him to sleep. He would still see it as a punishment and cry and get worked up until I came back in to settle him. Hopefully letting him know that I'm just going to do X and I'll be back in a minute will forestall that.

[Janie71]

Hi Natalia,

Welcome to BB! You might be surprised with your DS accepting you leaving the room. My DD was always rocked to sleep as a baby and as a young toddler I always lay down with her and then graduated to sitting with her while she fell asleep. She is now 4 and we had lots of talks about her starting to have some space to fall asleep on her own. I think it comes down to building up trust that you will come back and check on them at the time that you said, such as what Santosha said above - Mummy will let you relax and try to go to sleep now. I will be back in 5 minutes to see how you are. - BUT the big thing is making sure that you do go back in 5 minutes. Once he can see that you will come back when you say or that if he calls for you, you will return, he may feel comfortable enough to sleep without you there. My DD is really into feeling like she is a 'big girl' at the moment so giving her opportunities like this she actually thrives on them. I have been more than a little surprised at how much she has taken them in her stride.

Janie xxx

[Nat]

Thanks Janie; I hope you're right! He's constantly surprising me so hopefully this is one of those times where everything is easier than expected!

[Nat]

Well, I would call that a resounding success.

He had me pegged from the get-go, of course; asked me straight out what I was doing and why I kept leaving the room to do things. I explained that because he was such a big boy now I wanted to see if he could fall asleep without me in the room. He was a bit apprehensive at first, but after a big hug and my promise to check on him every five minutes, he said he would be okay. And he was!

I mean, a few more toys mysteriously migrated into his bed than he would normally have at sleep time, but I'm totally cool with that. And it took him slightly longer to fall asleep, but I figure that's to be expected. In the meantime, I got to eat dinner downstairs by myself, which is something I don't think I've done in three years!

Thanks, ladies!

[Santosha]

Fantastic! Well done you and well done to your big boy! Enjoy the 'me time'.

[Chocaholic]

Well done to your DS.

[Janie71]

Great job to both of you!