I sit here with DS2 asleep in my arms, having soothed him to sleep (he's recently stopped feeding to sleep, through nothing I've done). I watched his little eyelids droop, then reopen as he checked to make sure I was still holding him. I smiled at him and his eyes closed again. I love that he trusts me so much that he will go to sleep in my arms. I love reassuring him that I'm still here.
But at night, I don't love it. I want him to sleep in his cot, or happily next to me - no kicking, crying or biting me, which is the flavour of the moment. I hate feeling angry and resentful at nighttime, wishing he would just go to sleep and let me sleep too.
It's not helped by people telling me to let him cry at night. I don't want to do that. But it's tough.
I know I'm not alone in this struggle... And I know I'm doing the right thing, responding to him when he cries, be it day or night, or half an hour after I just got him back down... I just feel a bit fragile today and need a bit of a boost from some like-minded parents... Please.
Some wise women on here have told me before that this stage will not last forever (whatever stage you are at that particular time). It really sticks with me in moments like you described.
It is exhausting but you are doing a wonderful job being the best mummy you can be for your little man
I don't let my babies cry at night either - no matter what age they are. No matter how crappy my sleep gets with them kicking the crap out of me (every night I am sandwiched between DD2 and DD3, one kicks my belly and one kicks my back or pulls my undies down with her feet PMSL)
And then I end up with a cat or two on my pillow as well.
Bliss? I think not! But it won't last forever. And I know that.
Doesn't mean its not hard and you get sick of it, and frustrated and angry at the situation because you want it a little different - but it won't last forever.
I just keep dreaming of that day that they are all in their beds, and all sleeping through the night. At the moment it seems like a very long way away, but realistically it won't be.......right? lol
I know how your feeling. DD2 has slept through the night about a handful of times since she was about 5 months. She is 2.5yrs now. I have been told let her cry too but won't do it no matter how tired and fed up I feel. While she is not a biter or kicker or anything so I can't relate there.
I keep telling myself that one day I will be complaining that she sleeps to much and I can't get her up I
Big hugs! I totally know how you feel, I went through it for months with DD2. She was horrendous for about 4 months (from 5-9 mths) and then things started to improve. She started sleeping through 11-12 hours straight consistently at around 16 mths and it's bliss now. All the hard work paid off
OP, what I read from your post is that you are a great, gentle parent during the day, and during the night you are a great, gentle, but tired and less happy parent. Sounds very normal to me. It's very tiring, and I do remember feeling similarly angry with DS2 when the lack of sleep got the better of me. Don't beat yourself up hon. You are doing a fantastic job
Yes, I am continually 'molested' in the night by ds trying to grab my boobs. I am not patient and caring after 1.5 hours of this, I yell 'get out of it' and put him on the ground. It's not easy.
I just accept its the best I can do. I also hate that people tell me to put him in his own bed etc.
When I'm feeling like this, I read this beautiful blog post I found once on the 'Documenting Delight' blog and it reminds me of the bigger picture.
After coming to terms with the truth that my babies will one day leave I’ve started feeling a little bit like an addict. You see, I’ve been sitting in bed taking desperate whiffs of my Theo’s scent, feeling deliriously in love and then coming down to thoughts of him leaving home and telling me it’s not really okay for me to be calling him ‘Bear’ now he’s 26.
Now, don’t get me wrong… this might sound like I’m like I am this crazy fanatic parent who’s just besotted by every aspect of mothering… I’m not.
Just last night after I’d finished thinking how lovely my children were – more pressing thoughts came to mind. While nursing Theo in bed and cuddling my Peach (who was asleep behind me), I’d lost all circulation. Nursing a boy on one side, and holding Peach had left me contorted and sore. My arm was bent on an insane angle and my back was starting to ache. I tried to move my arm back over but Peach let out a whimper letting me know it had to stay.
Goshdarnit! I thought. Can’t I have a moment of rest? Can’t I have a sleep all alone in a great big bed with duck down bedding and 5 oversized pillows? Can’t that beautiful bed be in a house on an island with light blocking shades? Can’t I sleep in till 10am every morning and never wake to another crying child ever, ever again? … is that too much to ask? Is it!?
I remind myself “Remember, you are not managing an inconvenience; You are raising a human being” (Kittie Franz) and make that conscious decision, that because I am painfully aware things won’t be this way forever – both the enchantment and challenge of mothering will be gone in the blink of an eye – I cannot stand to get caught up in just ‘getting through’ this time; I will cherish my babies, relishing this time and making sure I get every last kiss I can planted on their chubby little bellies.
1 week from now I won’t remember that discomfort of last night.
1 year from now I won’t be appreciating an extra sleep in.
5 years from now I won’t be wishing I could have squeezed in some more housework or reading or time alone.
10 years from now I won’t wonder what it would have been like to have my children sleep in another room, got them baby sat more often or focused on my career instead.
No; alone in that luxurious bed, I will long for these moments and these days. I will savour these days forever. The delight will be polished each time I bring these memories out and the arduousness shall be all but forgotten. Time and age will claim my babies one day, but it cannot and will not rob me of *now* .
And I know that when I finally do climb into that luxurious bed all alone – I am going to have picked down to the very last detail the finest linen in all the world
Having said that, it is ok not to cherish every moment, and it is ok to feel fed up. You are a Mum and it is damn hard work sometimes so here are some hugs also xx
Thanks so much everyone, just what I needed to steel myself for another night. Tonight, I will soothe with gentle words and not get angry. That's the goal. Wish me luck.
I used to get annoyed too. I would love to know these happy go lucky parents that LOVE no sleep and all that goes with it.
Sometimes having an ear (or eye ) helps. Just to refocus and gain the calm and most of all strength to keep going. I can tell you now the night waking the older they got was hardest for me than any other part of parenting. That doesn't make me a bad person. Just different tolerances. And that's ok. But on another note I can hear the sighs of relief coming through the screen thanking you for posting so they too know they aren't alone. Sending you love and hugs. xxx
Big hugs OP You sound just like me. During the day I can cope with anything, I'm super mum lol. DH not so much, he gets frustrated at tantrums and her changed mind every two seconds. At night we switch.
She still feeds to sleep, but every now and then that won't work. Last week it didn't work plenty! So I spent up to two hours feeding her with increasingly bad latch which hurt, was uncomfortable and made my skin crawl. I spent that time singing to her, patting her, shushing her. After two hours she asked for boob yet again and I snapped. I told her I'd had enough of this ****, I'm quitting, I'm over it and I'm going to bed. Then I stormed out and left her to DH.
My heart broke as she started crying and yelling for mummy, but I couldn't go back in because I knew I couldn't put up with more than five minutes of that again. After 15 minutes DH came out - she'd fallen asleep with him patting her back and singing to her. Then I cried because I hadn't gotten to say goodnight, the last she heard was me losing it and storming out
I try to remember things like that when I'm in that moment, but it's seriously bloody hard when you've given your all for an entire day and then you're just getting beaten up at the end of it.
I'm hearing you OP. I needed to read your thread after the night I just shared with DS. As soon as I turn the light on in the morning and look at this being that terrorised me for most of the night (we are going through a rough cosleeping patch) my heart melts and I'm glad I was there for him regardless of the thoughts I had during the night. xx
We had a rough one last night too, including me having to take DS2 with me while I cleaned up DS1's room and fed him a banana after he woke at midnight convinced it was morning and then proceeded to play for 1.5hrs
DS2 cried as soon as I got out of bed... So he had to come too. Fun times.
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I'm a great gentle parent, during the day...
) helps. Just to refocus and gain the calm and most of all strength to keep going. I can tell you now the night waking the older they got was hardest for me than any other part of parenting. That doesn't make me a bad person. Just different tolerances. And that's ok. But on another note I can hear the sighs of relief coming through the screen thanking you for posting so they too know they aren't alone. Sending you love and hugs. xxx
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