Asking questions (in concern for one another) and receiving abrupt answers..

[tofu]

I stop here at this forum as I never know what is the right or wrong thing to say or do.

My older sister came down to Sydney to spend some time with family and caught up with a friend who had been going through a lot...(getting over breast cancer and looking for an Aged care home for her mother).
The friend doesn't drive(neither do I) so I understand what it is like to catch public transport( a lot).

So I asked my sister(out of pure concern) how "J" was getting to the Aged Care homes for her appts(to check them out).
My sister answered(angrily and almost aggressively in her tone)

"DOES IT MATTER??"

Because her tone was SO aggressive it stopped me in my track and I was silenced.

But it did matter to me(out of concern)

When we met up with her friend, I asked her, "How are you getting to these appointments(spoken with genuine care and concern(I Have had the task personally looking for an aged care home so I know(for my FIL).
She answered,

"I have been catching taxis and it is costing me a fortune!" I could tell she appreciated my concern.

So, was I out of line when I asked my sister?
And how should I have answered my sister?
Why would she have said it like this?
She does this a lot.

My sister is reactive and explosive in her answers to me!!

[nickle730]

It sounds to me like you asked a very reasonable question and your sister had no reason to be upset by it. Perhaps she was just in a bad mood?

[AnyDream]

I agree that does sound rude and unnecessarily aggressive. However, if this is the same sister you've posted about in other threads, it may also be a sign of whatever the other barriers are in your relationship with her. Perhaps she thought you were hinting (in a passive-aggressive way) that she should be shouldering some of the load. Or maybe she thought that you were (passive-agressively) hinting that if "J" has trouble getting around then that means you too have problems getting around and that by extension she should be doing more to help you out with stuff re caring for your mum. Or maybe she was busy thinking of something else at the time and perceived your question as inappropriate or poorly timed or a distraction? I guess there could be a lot of reasons why she might react like this.

There again, if she responds like this frequently, it might be a sign that she is lacking in impulse control, or in understanding social timing, etc. Sometimes people can get to their adult lives with undiagnosed conditions like aspergers, attention deficit disorder, borderline personality disorder, or just simply with poor social skills. These people may not fully understand why responding in a certain way might be hurtful or inappropriate, or they may not have the "filters" that the rest of us, leading them to blurt out whatever they are thinking without considering how the other person will take it. Or maybe she is just rude. Who knows?

I think the important thing here is to try to understand what her motives are but don't expend too much of your own emotional energy into solving the problem. Sometimes the easiest way to reconcile a difficult relationship is to let it wash over you. By accepting it is the way it is, and that it doesn't change your own value or worth as a person, you can find a place of peace and strength.

[tofu]

thank you both for very thoughtful, kind and informative comments..truly appreciated...