Raising my 4 year old boy - no response required, I just need to get it out

[Cass72]

I had a note left for me when I went to pick up my 4 year old from preschool yesterday afternoon to see the coordinator. Master Four was displaying aggressive behaviour toward another child and they wanted me to be aware of it.

My initial reaction was a feeling of shame. How could my loving child do this? Where did it come from? Why didn’t I foresee this? How could I stop it?

The coordinator was understanding. Yesterday there had been a sports carnival which the preschool children participated in. Master Four was very active and ran in every race he could. She felt that maybe he was tired.

I started to feel a little better. Then she said something ….he’s more immature than most of the other children.

What? How can a four year old be ranked on their maturity levels? I would have thought that, considering he had only been earth-side for four years, he had a pretty darn good excuse for displaying immaturity.

She then went on to list some other “concerning” behaviour.

• Inability to sit still.
• Having to be repeatedly told to do something before he would do it.
• Running off from his teacher and thinking it a great game.
• Climbing on tables.
• Engaging in rough play.

From here it went downhill.

Master Four, as I was walking hurriedly from the classroom with my head down, asked me why I was in the other room talking.

I asked him what he had done today. And why did he hurt his friend. His answer was “because I did”. I told him that I was disappointed in him. I told him that I was very sad that he was not being a nice boy. He must have detected the sincerity in my voice because, although I didn’t yell, my little person cried.

He cried for most of the way home. He also managed to tell me through his tears that he did say sorry to his friend and that his friend wasn’t sharing. He also tried to smile and told me that he was a good boy because he helped pack up the toys and wasn’t told to.

I had hit a parenting low.

What was the right reaction to such behaviour? Do I address it with punishment? Do I try to explain it to an over-tired 4 year old why I was disappointed? Do I address it with cuddles? Do I ignore it? I was lost and no one could tell me what to do.

I followed my instincts. I let it go and carried on as normal. At bedtime we read a story together about school and talked about it. Then I cuddled him til he fell asleep. Did I do the wrong thing? Probably.

I then scoured the internet to see if I was expecting too much from him. Did he have behavioural issues? Was there an underlying condition that was making him this way? Was it because his father is away during the week and we only see him on weekends? Was it something that I’ve done? Does he have an uncontrollable anger? Does he have learning difficulties? Did I give birth to the anti-Christ?

It was none of these. It seems that I birthed boy.

I came across numerous articles which showed me that I wasn’t alone and that, for all intents and purposes, he was a perfectly “normal” 4 year old boy.

I found it quite interesting that, again and again, I came across papers published by paediatricians, psychologists and educators about the need to address the way we educate our boys and yet not much seems to have been done.

One article that I was reading was written by a director for a Head Start early learning centre (US) (Earlychildhood NEWS - Article Reading Center) on why boys struggle in most early childhood programs. She points out that the education system has always been viewed as favouring boys. Although it may be true of middle and high school it is not true in early childhood. Boys will play rougher. Boys are not apt to sit still for 45 minutes and cut and glue. Boys need to be physical. Boys can lack attentiveness. Boys have a poorer self-regulation than girls. Boys are more likely to be diagnosed with special needs. Boys develop at a different rate to girls.

When my eldest son started year 10, the mathematics and English classes were split into boys and girls classes. The boys where taught in a more hands-on way. The girls through song and a more “traditional” way. The boys went outside – a lot. What was interesting is that the level of achievement was brought more into line. While taught in two entirely different ways both groups achieved exceptional results.

I am going home tonight to embrace the boyness of my boy.

• I will smile as he puts on his cape and jumps off the table and pretends he can fly.
• I will try not to laugh when he says that his sausages for dinner look like poo.
• I will kick the soccer ball around the backyard with him.
• I will sit down and play lego – and try not to get upset when he pulls the arms off the lego men.
• I will cuddle him – often.
• I will cheer him on when he shows me how he has written his name, even if it does just resembles a few lines.
• I will sing to him at night and read him stories.
• I will smile when he dresses up as a cowboy (but also puts on my heels).
• I will teach him manners.
• I will show him love.
• I will marvel at how wonderful yet another motorbike/ car/ truck/ train/ crane/ helicopter is.

Most of all, I will love him for who he is.

[Tinks]

My DS was/is the same.

[Heaven]

You're an amazing mum Cass. I think you responded in just the right way. I'm sure he knows it's not ok to hurt people, but he also knows that no matter what, he is loved. He sounds like a perfect 4 year old to me. No way are kids that age designed to sit and listen for long, especially if it's something they aren't interested in. I have girls and even they are the same. They need to move, they need to use their bodies, they need lots of time to play.

[Teeki]

Wow, the things she's listed as 'concerning'! He just sounds like a four-year-old!

I think the research you've done is great and the pre-school should consider the same and have a think about the expectations they're putting on the children. The way he reacted when you told him you were disappointed I think tells a lot about him, he's a sweet boy and he knew it was wrong; and in his mind there was also a 'reason' - I wonder if the teachers actually spoke to the kids about it?

I think your response is perfect and you sound like a wonderful mum with a wonderful boy

[Miss.B]

I have a boy like yours. And reading your beautifully, heart felt post , I cried. Because our little gems should be celebrated every day, even for the smallest little things they do, just for being them. Sometimes we don't realise how many good things they do, we are not with them 24/7, often the educators/carers miss their little good deeds. And I know there are lots of them. My DS will often tell me what a good boy he's been at kinder, or over at his nanny's house, sometimes I wonder if it's because I sometimes overuse the word 'naughty' and he wants me to know he's not always naughty. I think sometimes he wants me to listen to him more. Listen to him why sometimes he looks like he's been naughty but all he was trying to do it stand up for himself. All I know that I, like you, love my little man to bits. Thank you for sharing your story with me, it has really touched me. And tbh, I don't know any 4 year old boys who can sit still for long, I love my DS's energy, I wish I had more of it myself lol.

[Cass72]

Thank you for your lovely responses everyone. Support in these forums can be truly overwhelming.

This parenting gig is quite hard. Half the time you don't even know if you're "doing it right" and the other half you hope you're doing it right.

I am trying not to use the word 'naughty' Miss B. I wince each time it slips out of my mouth. I shall add it to my list of words for the swear jar!

[kateo]

This is sad. I KNOW kids need to be active and especially boys. Many carers and teachers forget this.
I worked in behaviour management for a while and many of the teachers thought I was there to give them a golden bullet for the behaviour of some children in their care. What I really did was try and change expectations and make "space" for children seen as difficult.
One of the most effective tools I used was the "go do a message" system. I lined up a few teachers/janitors/canteen ladies to be "on the list" and the teacher then sent a kid who was verging on being disruptive with an "important" note to each person getting them to sign it. The note might have said " Are you planning to attend the "X" meeting today?" Which could have actually been teacher code for are you happy to sign this piece of paper.
The kid got a good run and some outside time. The teacher had a chance to really settle the class into some work and the kid felt they were very special to go on an errand. On their return they could get the "one-one" help to start work that they needed.
I can't remember the study I read but I do remember that essentially school is feminine and we have to work hard to make it also masculine.
In reality the wages of child carers and teachers cannot really be a single wage that could comfortably support family so most people in these professions are the second earner in the family......usually women (please don't make a fuss about this statement I know there are lots of male teachers and people supporting a family on the lower end incomes).
This means that schools are places usually controlled by females and there way of approaching the world; the same goes (often more so) for child care centres.
They are aware of the needs of boys but just don't intrinsically understand them.
The activity and immediacy of boys is then less important than "quiet good" behaviour.
We then start to over value the types of behaviours girls are generally better at until the behaviours' boys are better at almost become negatives.
Then we have carers who develop unrealistic expectations of the children they care for.........most usually the boys.
Wouldn't it be lovely to hear that a boy like the one from the OP is excellent at climbing or great at peddling a bike fast or he excels at putting things away fast?
I just wish it wasn't forgotten that boys have special skills just like girls but the skills admired by carers and teachers sadly fit those that girls are better at.

[Cassius2]

your post is beautiful. so well written!

And you hit the nail on the head when you said that you will embrace him for his boyness...capes and all! that, I think that is the greatest gift to him.

Might be worth printing out some of those articles for his cares

Have you looked into the school that he will be attending? do they support those values that you hold to be important? might really be worth checking that out...

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Happened to a 3yo Liebs. Moving centres was the best thing for him.

Age 7, he now Hama Beads like a 4yo girl. We got there! But best of all, he has had fun getting there and still have fun. And sitting still is a silly target for an under-10.

I think that cuddles and love are the best thing in all situations: they model desired behaviour. Plus encouraging sedentary behaviour at a young age contributes to the obesity problem. Not cool, nursery.

I do disagree with teaching a girl in a sedentry way cos she will comply and it's easier for teachers. Who doesn't learn better hands on? I teach girls hands on and they enjoy it. And learn well too.