Not coping after losing Max

[batty]

My husband and I lost our baby almost two weeks ago. We found out at the morphology scan (by reading the report in the carpark) that our baby had bilateral renal agensis which is 100% fatal. I was induced following a second scan and our beautiful son Max was born on 23/9 (19w5d). His little heart kept beating for over an hour and all I could do was hold him. His skin was so translucent and he was sticking to the blanket a little. I was so scared that I would hurt him or tear his skin -- I just wanted to keep him warm and let him know he was safe and loved. I've never felt so helpless, all I could do was hold him in the blanket and wait for his tiny chest to stop rising and falling.

We don't know how or why this happened to our baby -- he was completely perfect in every other way. I was so careful having had previous early miscarriages - I took vitamins every single day, I didn't touch caffeine/alcohol/drugs/etc. I ate lots of fruit and veg, got plenty of rest and some gentle exercise. I just can't accept that it's "just bad luck" - how unlucky can one person be? The hospital has ordered chromosomal testing but we have been told not to expect any results until the end of the year.

In the days after his birth, I was plagued by the overwhelming feeling that there was something I needed to do for him and it was tearing me apart. While I'm not at all religious, I felt so guilty for not thinking to have him baptized before he died. The social worker at the hospital was able to arrange for pastoral care to bless our baby the following day but this didn't take those feelings away. I really wanted to bring our baby home so we made private funeral arrangements and our little boy was cremated on Wednesday. I'm now waiting for the funeral home to call so I can collect his ashes and finally bring him home.

I have had some good days and some bad days following his birth but today I feel as bad as I did on the first day. I've cried the whole day away, I feel very emotionally flat and so very hopeless. My husband is frustrated with me, he is trying very hard to help me but I think he's had enough of the tears.

I don't know what to do.

[Lisa]

Oh sweetheart,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful little man Max. My heart is breaking for you. I also induced when my baby Noah was diagnosed with numerous problems with his urinary tract. It has been 2.5yrs and not a day passes where I don't think about my baby. The pain is easier to bear now, but it is still there.
Noah's problems were also put down to "bad luck" and I have since gone on to have a healthy little man. Please be kind to yourself. Cry all day if that's what you need... scream, shout, get mad... everything you're feeling you have every right to feel... there is no wrong or right way to grieve.
I just wish I could give you a huge big hug and let you know I am here for you. I am here for you... I can be contacted on my email address in my profile if you ever need to talk. There are also loads of supportive and loving women on here who have been through losses who will be here for you too, if and when you need them.
Sending you loads of love and warmth. I will keep you in my thoughts.
Lisa
__________________________________________________ ___
DS1-14 DD-11 DS2-1
Noah Thomas, born an angel (20w5d) 21 Feb 2006
Little Wing (8w4d) Oct 2007

[~mamaspice~]

Oh sweetie, I am so so sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through right now. Just know that it is perfectly normal to have good and bad days so please do not beat yourself up about having had such an emotional day today. You and your husband will deal with this in different ways.

BB is certainly a good place for you to be right now. There are plenty of people who are here for you.
One of my good friends had her twins early at 25 weeks and one passed away 6 weeks later from kidney failure. She has a litle spot in her garden with a seat and flowers where she goes whenever she needs to think about/talk to Beau.
You too will find your own way of honouring your beautiful boy Max.

Big to you, and take care.

Tamara

[all girls]

I am so sorry for your loss. I really don't know what else to say but there are some fantastic people on this site that can tell you how they managed their pain just take each day at a time.

Don't think that you did anything wrong it isn't your fault sweetheart. I can't begin to imagine what you have been through.

Rest in peace little Max xoxo

[Je$$_84]

Oh Hun i have tears streaming down my face... I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish i could just give you a big hug... I cant begin to imagine how you must be feeling. To hold your baby until he passed must have been the most heart breaking thing in the world.

I dont know what to say but just know he's in a better place without suffering now. Look into the sky and find the brightest star... I believe its our loved ones looking down on us. It may help to talk to him up there and let out your emotions.

You could get a white ballon (helium filled) Go somewhere special and you and some close friends and family could say a few things and you could release the balloon Like a release of the emotions.

Nothing will ever take away your pain and i really wish there was something that could. I think talking about your feelings is a great step... There is a thread about loss here where you may find some confort from others who have been through similar things.

Again so sorry for you loss hun.. RIP little Max...

[jmmum]

Your husband is most likely not frustrated with you and your tears. He probably feels this is not something that he can fix. He probably wants you to feel ok but knows you can't at the moment and most likely niether can he. Just be gentle and loving to each other share your sadness, tears and heart ache.

[diannescruffy]

Hi hun,
So very sorry for the loss of your precious Max. This is such an emotional time for you and your husband. Let yourself grieve, if that means crying, screaming any way you know how. The pain doesn't go away buy you somehow learn how to deal with that pain. Hold your little boy close to your heart. My heart goes out to you.

Regards,
Dianne

[Muffy]

i just wanted to keep him warm and let him know he was safe and loved.

that is beautiful.
i cant even begin to imagine what your feeling right now.
i agree with what jess said, about the balloon.
it is ok to cry, to get angry and to scream. those are all normal emotions and please dont think you have to hold them in to please other people.
i cant put into words what im feeling for you right now, if you ever need to talk you can PM me, i will be more than happy to listen!

[prama]

sweatheart, i have tears streaming down my face.
my biggest hugs for you... i'm so sorry for your loss.
Little max knew what it was like be held by his loving mummy, and he had those precious moments with you.

your hubby, probably isnt tired of your tears, as jmmum said he's probably wants to make you hurt less but he can't.. and he's hurting too.

Rest in Peace, little Max
xoxoxoxxo

[kitten76]

Hi Batty
I am so sorry for your loss.I lost our precious baby girl Madison at 19+2 weeks and I totally understand the feelings of helplessness,hopelessness and guilt.Madison died in utero after my water broke and basically the DRs waited for her to pass away before I was induced.That was 3 years ago.There is NEVER a day that I dont look at her tiny footprints and imagine what if? I still have her ashes as Im not ready to let her go.Honestly I dont think I ever will be ready.The first year was very hard even though I got pregnant 7 months later .I still mourned for my lost little girl.The birth of our DD2 was very therapeutic and I found some of the faith I had lost . You need to do what ever makes you feel better.If that means crying,screaming,having a memorial then do it and NEVER EVER let anyone tell you that you should be "over it".It may not seem like it now but It will get easier as time goes by and there will always be the beautiful memories of the moments that only you and Max shared when he was with you.And there will be days when you will think what if? those days are when you will need a strong support system around you and people who understand without questioning.Finding out what you need to help you with your grief is a personal journey and I pray that you will find peace soon.

[Lisa]

This is a poem that I printed out and sent to the people that couldn't understand that I couldn't just pick up the pieces and get on with things after losing Noah. I hope in some way it helps you too.

Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don't turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It's how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?

__________________________________________________ ___
DS1-14 DD-11 DS2-1
Noah Thomas, born an angel (20w5d) 21 Feb 2006
Little Wing (8w4d) Oct 2007

[batty]

Hi ladies,
Thank you for the quick replies. You are all so wonderful and brave, I really don't know how you've done it. I find myself crying now not only for my baby but all of the little lost babies. Life is so fragile.

I have a pretty good support network but all of my friends and family members have small children or new babies and I'm not ready to be around them yet. As much as I love my 8 month old niece, I haven't seen my brother or his wife since before we lost Max because I don't think I can see their baby. It seems that no matter where I look, there's always another baby or pregnant woman and it hurts so much that I'm not one of them. I went back to work on Thursday which was a good diversion (not that I did much besides shuffle paper) but unfortunately I have to work closely with a lady who is due two weeks before my EDD. And now this morning, my husband is making some noise about visiting his brother and his wife, who is 35wks. I can't get a break.

I think you're right about my husband, he does just want to make me feel better and I know that he is hurting too. We talked a little last night and he said as much. Unfortunately no amount of hugs can fill the void. While my husband has lost his son, I feel I've lost him twice -- I too lost the dream of having a baby as well as losing him from my belly.

I'm wondering if some of the grief I've felt this weekend is due to the baby blues. The pregnancy books have been pretty useless to me as they just don't properly cover this type of outcome. I don't know what I can do to counter it, I certainly don't want sedatives or antidepressants and I'm not willing to go on the pill.

[prama]

batty - could you talk to your gp? maybe they could help suggest some professional support group for you and your husband?

[Macca79]

. Im so sorry for what you are going through. Don't be afraid to take time for yourself particularly when it comes to being around other pregnant women and babies. You alone will know when you are ready to do that, not anyone else. At the moment you are grieving and that takes time, love and patience. And even though Max is not with you, you will always be his mother, nothing can ever change that.

[~StarBright~]

Batty.. Im very sorry for your loss- I am sure that your little Angel Max knows how very much he was and is still loved and missed xoxo

I lost a little boy to kidney abnormalities too - we discovered at our morphology scan that he only had one kidney and it was a build up of cysts and would never function properly- we had tests done and were told the same as you- just bad luck. I was induced a few days later- and My son Darren was born still in his sac- but had passed away between the scan and his delivery- his due date is actually coming up next week- he would have been 4 years old- and i still think about him every day.

It is very understandable that right now you feel lost and incredibly empty and robbed of your precious baby. To loose a baby at any stage is horrible- but half way through a pregnancy really messes with your head your body and your heart. Take as much time as you need to recover emotionally and physically. I was a mess for the remainder of what would have been the rest of the pregnancy- right up till his due date- i just couldnt move forward and kept thinking "I should still be pregnant- i should be feeling this now etc" and then when his due date came and went was when the reality of loosing him really sunk in- he was really gone

The suggestions of how to remember your angel are all helpful- releasing balloons, planting a special plant in your garden to care for- lighting candles having a special place for his ashes and keeping all mementoes are very important, Max is a very special part of your life and always will be- and even though right now remembering him only brings tears to your eyes, one day you will be able to think of him without crying and remember the special happy times of your pregnancy and you will always hold that precious hour of cuddles you shared with him in your heart forever.
Every year on Darren and Zahras birth/death dates and due dates i light candles- and i ask all of my friends and family where ever they are to light one as well as a show of rememberance to my angels- if you are part of a church or group- perhaps that is something you can do for Max- or hold a Ceromony of Goodbye on his EDD.

My coucilor made it very clear to my hubby and I that mums and dads greive very differently- and i am sure that your DH is not sick of your tears- if anything it just makes him all the sadder to see you sad- but thats no reason to hurry your grief- let him know that you need to feel sad and get it all out- and the best thing he can do is hold you while you cry and cry with you when you need him to. Also i found my DH was a little more detatched from our loss of Darren- as being only 18 weeks- i felt his precense in our lives much more than DH did- when i lost our daughter Zahra at 35 weeks(more "bad luck" a placental abrubtion)- DH was much more emotionally attatched as he had actually felt her kicking and moving- which he hadnt felt with Darren. If that makes sense??!!

As for seeing other people and their babies- DO NOT rush yourself to do this- you will know if and when you can handle it- and trust me- the torture of trying to see them when your not ready is not worth it- take care of YOU right now- Let your DH go and see these people if he is ready for it- but tell him to go on his own. I had a horrible experience with my sister when i tried to ignore the fact that seeing her baby broke my heart- and it ended really badly (me crying in the middle of a dinner party and making a quick exit only to be called rude for missing her birthday cake) when i should have just given my apologies and not attended in the first place- still might have been called rude- but at least i didnt have a baby thrust in my face as well- just my personal experience)

BB is fantastic place to have support during the coming months and years for you- with the help of BB i found myself confident enough to try for another baby (after two late lossed and a few early m/c) and i am now the very proud mummy to a marvelous little boy Shane- who is 9 weeks old today. Bad luck does eventually run out!

Take care of yourself and be true to your feelings xoxox

SB

[Rach75]

your little man shares his angel bday with my precious daughter...we just celebrated our 5th year since she was born

just know this is a wonderufl community full of wonderful caqring woman

Lisa that poem is beautiful

[batty]

batty - could you talk to your gp? maybe they could help suggest some professional support group for you and your husband?

I know I should go back to the GP for post-birth care but I am so angry and disappointed in the way they treated me that I am liable to trash his office if I do go back! To cut a long story short, the radiologist told me I didn't have "enough fluid around the baby", he phoned my doctor then told me to go straight in to see him. When I arrived to the doctor's surgery a mere ten minutes later, my doctor had left for the day and I had to see another doctor there. I had to open the report and read it myself to know what was really going on, and she wouldn't explain anything to me (I basically learned everything I now know about anhydramnios and renal agenesis by searching the net at home that night). She handed me a referral for a termination and told me to go to the emergency dept at RPA even though that wasn't the hospital I'd been going to for my antenatal care. I called my doctor a couple of days later to give him an update but he wouldn't take my call and didn't return my call. Needless to say, I've lost faith in that practice which is a shame as I have been going there for almost 15 years.

My employer has an employee assistance program which provides free counselling to staff. I've already been in contact with them and just need to call to make an appointment some time next week when I'm back full time.

I lost a little boy to kidney abnormalities too - we discovered at our morphology scan that he only had one kidney and it was a build up of cysts and would never function properly- we had tests done and were told the same as you- just bad luck.

I had never considered that we might lose a baby to a birth defect, and I am shocked that birth defects are so common. Our baby had bilateral renal agensis - the kidneys and bladder just never developed. Apparently it's a 1 in 4000 thing, but I found some stats on the Victorian govt site that gave the stat as 1 in 1500. I'm terrified it will happen again and am almost hoping that when the results come back, they will tell me it was something I did - at least then I will be able to control it in the future and not leave it up to fate.

As for seeing other people and their babies- DO NOT rush yourself to do this- you will know if and when you can handle it...

You're right and I took your advice. I told DH that I wasn't ready to see the SIL and he called his brother to cancel. He said later that neither of them had even thought that I might not be up to seeing his pregnant wife. So, good call and thanks

So, rather than sit here and mope, I'm going to move some furniture around. It's all about diversions and keeping busy I guess.

Just one more thing though, does anyone here remember getting the baby blues after a mid-term loss? DH is a little doubtful about it.

[diannescruffy]

Hi hun,
Unfortunately losing a baby due to abnormalities is very common. We lost Emmanuel at 24wks due to Trisomy 13 which is a chromosone abnormality. Fortunately for me my GP was excellent. We found out at our 20wk scan which was a big shock. For me also seeing other babies or pregnant women was torture. We were able to go on and have a beautiful healthy baby girl last year who has brought so much joy to our lives. Take care of you and surround yourself with loving family and friends.

Regards,
Dianne