Contact with birth families.

[Princess Swan]

We have contact with my toddlers birth family.

The thing is they have older children (aged 7-2) who come to the meetings but they don't know she's their bio sister. I discovered they don't know how to tell them about her and at the same time they don't want the rest of the family to know (their parents etc) To know about the adoption.

(I know its their problem okay. But how can i not have some concern when we have face to face visits.)

But what approach could they use? I discovered that birth parents don't get much advice on how to gradually tell older children about adoption. Especially in the case of open contact.

I also just want to know if anyone out there is in the same situation. Most people are much older when they have contact with birth parents. And its usually the adoptee. Not the adoptive parents like in our case. (She's not even 2 yet so she doesn't understand adoption yet.)

[HotI]

Hi

My sister is adopted, and she knew from an early age. Mum made a photo album that told the story of how she came to our family. It had photos of her birth Mum and Dad, photos on the day we picked her up, photos of all us kids. It had a written story that explained that her Mum and Dad loved her very much but were young...... More photos were added as she got older. My Mum had to re-make the album 3 times, because my sister wore it out, she liked it so much.

There was never an announcement that she was adopted, she just always knew she had two Mums. She was also quite happy to announce this to whoever would listen!

As your daughter gets older, it will become more important that her siblings do know that she is their sister (if you are planning to tell her the relationship to her birth family). Otherwise, she may wonder why it is a secret? There is usually shame associated with secrets, and you don't want her feeling this.

The birth family are obviously in a hard situation too, because they want their kids to know each other, but not all of their extended family know, and they are probably scared of telling their kids.

Do you have a social worker still involved? Or do you feel comfortable asking the birth parents if they want ideas in how to tell their other kids? It depends whether they don't want their kids to know, or they just don't know how to tell them.

I know there are some kids books that talk about adoption, i will try to get some titles for you.

We had contact with some of my sister's birth family (Mum, grandparents) from when she was little. It wasn't so common back then, but is coming more common.

[Princess Swan]

I have a life book for my daughter. With pictures of them in it. She'll know about them gradually and grow up knowing she's adopted. I thought hiding adoption and information from your children was long gone.

Its more the other kids that I get a bit concerned about. Since we have to be very careful of the subject.

How do birth parents tell older siblings about children that they didn't bring home?

The parents didn't seem to know that its a good idea to tell them. But then I guess its their own folly if they don't tell them and it slips out during a visit.

Thanks for answering!!

[HotI]

what are the other kids told now? who do they think is the little one they visit?

If the oldest is now 7, and has younger siblings living with her, she might remember her Mum being pregnant and no baby coming home and may have worked out that your little one is her sibling. Kids are sometimes cluey than they are given credit for.

I was thinking that the other kids might benefit from books on adoption, as a way for their parents to explain to them (if they want to).

My Mum made the 'life book' for my sister 25 years ago. They are used widely now, but back then were not advocated or even talked about. Don't know if hers was the first, but Mum just came up with the idea herself.

I thought hiding adoption and information from your children was long gone.

unfortunately, not always. It depends on the family, and the tools they have to explain things that aren't so common.

[Adoption_Mum]

Just finished reading Talking with Young Children about Adoption. I've had adopted children for 9 years now and still found it helpful. I've also bought Telling the Truth to your adopted or foster child but haven't read it yet - it looks like it tackles harder issues prostition, drugs, physical abuse etc.

We have contact with all three of our children's birth families and it is wonderful. We are fortunate everyone is very open and the children have greatly benefited. Due to the families being os (intercountry adoption) we only see them every 2 years but we write, email and phone often.