I'm wondering if you can help here. My friend was very nervous going into her induction (GD) and after a long labour there was a c/s. I've only SMSd her hubby as she doesn't want visitors in hossy (something I asked her before the induction/labour) and I'm hoping to visit her in the next couple of weeks when she's at home.
Her family will be there for her - again, this was organised prior to the labour, but I know that she really wanted a VB (to the extent she and her hubby were talking about a home birth for the next one) and was somewhat scared.
When I visit her, is there anything I should/shouldn't say? I've been talking to her during her pregnancy and have been upset at all the stupid women who have been scaring her with horror stories (why oh why?) but now I'm worried that my talk of "keep walking it will help" and "your body is made to do this" will have done more harm than good. I know that a healthy bub and mum is the best outcome from any birth, and that's why she would have gone for the c/s but still ...my birth was OK and more-or-less to plan.
Hunny sorry I'm confused so wanted to clarify - are you worried that by supporting her to have a VB, you may have made it worse for her now she's had a c/s? As in you feel bad that you may have added to her guilt and fears that her body has somehow failed her?
Because I don't think you did that. I think you encouraged a friend and gave support for a decision she had made, in this case a VB. That's what friends do.
Caesareans statistically do not present the best outcomes for mum and bub, but in this case it may have been the best thing for her and her baby. So I reckon you go there and say you're proud of her, and what she's achieved. And provide encouragement for the future too. You are a good friend for the support you have given, and wil continue to be a good friend, I'm sure, for the support you will give her in future.
Both Sushee - I tend to have a pair of size 11's in my mouth most of the time, and the shovel can't fly fast enough when I talk. I want to be able to steer away from stuff that makes her feel inadequate and towards the positive IYKWIM?
Aw matey, you are a good friend. The truth is, what you said in encouragement prior to her c/s was you trying to be supportive, and was what you should have been doing anyway - being supportive! Now if she talks to you about her guilt, tell her you're there for you to talk things through with, and that no matter what you're proud of her.
She may well have guilt, or she may have come to the decision that the c/s was in fact right for her. I reckon if you respect whatever headspace she's in, you'll be fine, because more than anything, you care about her, and your posts alone shows how sensitive you are to her feelings.
Just avoid the "at least your baby is healthy" consolation line. People often say this to help mamas feel better, but when you've had a traumatic birth what is really says to mama is that how she feels doesn't matter as long as her baby came through in one piece.
So definitely steer clear of that little gem
Other than that, just let her talk. You don't have to say anything. You were a friend who was supportive of her goals for her birth in a culture where women often don't get ANY support like that. That's such a gift. Continue that support by being there for her now, and let her talk and don't try to make her feel better just yet. She will probably have alot to work through so, someone who just listens to her without belittling her feelings with the healthy baby blabber will be much needed and valued.
What a friggen friend and a half you are hon. I think its truely wonderful that you dont want to hurt her raw emotions atm.
Having 2 emergency c/s that last thing I wanted to hear was gore and gutts so to speak. I was far more happier talking about how gorgeous my baby was and hearing how good I looked at the time.
I hope this is the friend that is getting those nappies hon cause you could talk about them until the cows came home.
Just being there and not pushing anything verbally from her would be just a fantastic thing to do. Let her know you there for when she wants and chat about anything else bar the c/s and home birth. Let her lead the way of any conversation's about c/s and birthing and give her your opinion when she ask's for it. Itsnot worth making a mess of a moment and suffering foot in mouth.
I think open with something really, really positive like "what a gorgeous baby, haven't you got a clever mum" so straight off the bat she knows that you're proud of her and not in any way judging her.
Then ask her how she is. If she wants to talk about the c/s she will and if not, she won't. I wouldn't ask her about that specifically unless she starts talking about it first.
But I think ooohing and ahhhing a lot about the baby helps everyone feel comfortable.
I agree with Sushee in all that she has said.
ETA: Maz also - she always has alot of wise words.
I too planned to have a natural birth in hospital with my first and a homebirth for my second, third etc. I was completely at peace with having a VB and not scared in any way, at 37.4 weeks I had to make the decision to have a CS due to the health of my baby.
In someways I hate that I had to have a CS as I do see VB as the most natural thing in the world, however if I did not have a CS I don't not trust what the outcome may have been for my baby.
My DD spent 11 weeks in NICU so I did not get the line "at least your baby is healthy" instead I got "there are babies and families that are worst off, your baby will be ok" (after massive surgery and still feeding through a NG tube I might add) comments like this do not help and trust me I got this on many occasions.
If it is any conselation (sp?) I do plan to have a VBAC for my next child and hopefully a Homebirth for my 3rd. I always swore that I would do anything I could to avoid a CS and the thought of a CS scared the hell out of me, but it is done, I have moved on (yes it can take a bit of time for some) and I am just looking forward to trying for a VB next time.
I think that she is lucky to have a friend like you. My partner is the ONLY person to comfort me about having a CS and not the VB that I wanted so bad. Still to this day 5 months later no one else has even asked me how I was/felt in regards to having CS not the VB I wanted.
Deanne.
Last edited by DaintreeDream; October 22nd, 2008 at 08:24 PM.
Supporting a friend?
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