I posted this in stories of loss about my loss of Tyler cos I thought it was time to reflect but I guess it really belongs here......
It has been over 5 months now since Tyler passed and I thought now is the time for me to reflect over the past 5 months. And also I hope it shows other people who have experienced a loss that you will get through it?..you won?t get over it but it does get easier.
Firstly I want to say to all of you who posted words of support, encouragement it meant the world to me. I saw there were over 1,400 views WOW!!!!
The first month I was in a black black hole and I didn?t think I would ever come out of it. Tyler was all I could think about. I went through a stage where I had to read anything I could get my hands on regarding stillbirth, losing a child etc?. Googling on the net, reading other peoples stories of loss, true knots in cord, did Tyler suffer, was he suffering for a long time before he passed. I got about 6 books from Amazon I was just reading and reading. I also purchased the DVD ?Losing Layla? I have watched it about 10 times now. I recommend to any of you who have experienced a loss. I also kept watching the DVD of Tylers funeral. I bought a journal and I wrote to Tyler telling him how I was feeling, what was happening. I could tell him stuff that I couldn?t tell anyone else. I lit a candle everyday in front of his memory box at night it made his photo glow. I still couldn?t go into his room the thought of it was just too much. It took me months to unpack his hospital bag I just couldn?t do it?.it was like I was packing him away.
I had many many bad days through the first 2 months but then some good days?.then more and more good days followed by some bad days?..guess it?s just like a rollercoaster up and down. I guess the biggest hurdle for me to get over was the guilt?..all the what if?s?..but then I realized I can?t change what happened these thoughts that I am feeling are not going to bring Tyler back and they aren?t going to change anything. I have to move on from that guilt.
The pain is still there but not as intense as it was?there are some days I can look at Tylers photo and smile?.and there are days that it makes me sad. There is not a day that goes by that I don?t think of Tyler it doesn?t consume my thoughts all day now. But the dreams have started?dreaming of the labour, the night before being monitored etc? I know I will never get over Tyler he has taken a piece of my heart that can never be replaced?..but I guess it just gets easier to deal with.
So thanks again girls your posts were so needed during that time.
Jade I'm so sorry I missed this! Thank you for sharing your journey since Tyler passed away. Your story will help others on their winding road to healing, I'm sure How are you doing now? Did you get a little Christmas angel for your tree to commemorate your precious son?
I am doing ok you know how it is up and down certain things you see or hear still bring on the tears..... I bought Tyler a star to hang on the christmas tree and my parents got a ball with his name and birth year for us to hang on the tree. His theme I guess is stars his outfit had stars and the book we read him was Twinkle Twinkle Little Star so I thought a star would suit.
Thank you to everyone else that replied. I just hope that this thread will help someone who is going through a loss.
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A Time to Reflect
How are you doing now? Did you get a little Christmas angel for your tree to commemorate your precious son?
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