Hi

I posted this in stories of loss about my loss of Tyler cos I thought it was time to reflect but I guess it really belongs here......

It has been over 5 months now since Tyler passed and I thought now is the time for me to reflect over the past 5 months. And also I hope it shows other people who have experienced a loss that you will get through it?..you won?t get over it but it does get easier.

Firstly I want to say to all of you who posted words of support, encouragement it meant the world to me. I saw there were over 1,400 views WOW!!!!

The first month I was in a black black hole and I didn?t think I would ever come out of it. Tyler was all I could think about. I went through a stage where I had to read anything I could get my hands on regarding stillbirth, losing a child etc?. Googling on the net, reading other peoples stories of loss, true knots in cord, did Tyler suffer, was he suffering for a long time before he passed. I got about 6 books from Amazon I was just reading and reading. I also purchased the DVD ?Losing Layla? I have watched it about 10 times now. I recommend to any of you who have experienced a loss. I also kept watching the DVD of Tylers funeral. I bought a journal and I wrote to Tyler telling him how I was feeling, what was happening. I could tell him stuff that I couldn?t tell anyone else. I lit a candle everyday in front of his memory box at night it made his photo glow. I still couldn?t go into his room the thought of it was just too much. It took me months to unpack his hospital bag I just couldn?t do it?.it was like I was packing him away.

I had many many bad days through the first 2 months but then some good days?.then more and more good days followed by some bad days?..guess it?s just like a rollercoaster up and down. I guess the biggest hurdle for me to get over was the guilt?..all the what if?s?..but then I realized I can?t change what happened these thoughts that I am feeling are not going to bring Tyler back and they aren?t going to change anything. I have to move on from that guilt.

The pain is still there but not as intense as it was?there are some days I can look at Tylers photo and smile?.and there are days that it makes me sad. There is not a day that goes by that I don?t think of Tyler it doesn?t consume my thoughts all day now. But the dreams have started?dreaming of the labour, the night before being monitored etc? I know I will never get over Tyler he has taken a piece of my heart that can never be replaced?..but I guess it just gets easier to deal with.

So thanks again girls your posts were so needed during that time.

Thanks again

Jade