I am in a quandry and I would really appreciate other people's opinions.
I have a 7 month old and I run a business. I am a lawyer and I have a small specialised legal practice, which I've run for the past 3.5 years from home. When I got pregnant, I got really sick and wasn't able to leave the house. My husband was then working in a fairly dead end job that he didn't really enjoy, so we took the leap of him quitting his job and jumping full time into my business.
Since then he has come leaps and bounds and the business has done well enough to support us both. Because the business is from home, we share working and looking after Peter. I have fairly set times I try to confine work to, which add up to about 2 days a week. My husband works the rest of the time, and often at night seeing clients as well.
All sounds good, right? And yes, there are very definite advantages- there is plenty of flexibility, we both get to spend lots of time with Peter, we have the satisfaction of working for ourselves. I know these things should not be taken lightly.
And yet, often I find myself miserable and feeling trapped. I find the business very stressful- I am the only lawyer (my husband is not legally trained) and so all the ultimate responsibility and liability falls on my shoulders. My husband can do the best job he can, but he doesn't know the things that need to be looked out for and its not his practicing license and his professional reputation. Ultimately, the buck stops with me.
Being a perfectionist and also still a young lawyer (32), this has always weighed heavily on me- but at least before I had Peter I had more time to feel like I was keeping somewhat on top of things and a bit more confident. But now, I don't have the time, the head space, or, truthfully, the heart to do what I think really should be done as a responsible business owner and lawyer. I go to work, I do what needs to be done and that's it. I am completely reactive, not proactive, and I have made some mistakes that freak me out (little things, but then you wonder what else you have mucked up). I feel like I am pretending, winging it, and I feel very alone. There is no boss to turn to, there is not that many people I can turn to ask for help.
The thing is, I feel really trapped. My husband quit his job to do this and he enjoys working in the business. And he would find it really hard to get another job. Although a wonderful man, he isn't really qualified to do much and has always kind of drifted job wise and he's also partially dyslexic, which means his written skills are not up to par. I help him a lot with emails etc. In truth, and I hate to admit it, but I find myself being really mad at him that he can't provide for us. I hate, hate, hate it that the whole "love isn't enough, you need to marry someone who can provide for you" thing actually has some truth. Not that I am at all questioning my marriage. I love my husband and would be lost without him, he is superb and my best friend. But sometimes I just feel like kicking him in the butt and telling him to go earn money!
I could go out and work- even working 3 days a week could supply our main income because I have quite good earning potential. But the thing is, I don't want to, not really. My husband would be happy to be a house hubby and have me go work. But I am afraid I would be so resentful if I were the main or even only bread-winner. I love making home and looking after my child and being a home-mum. I find it extremely fulfilling and rewarding. Sure, I like work and find it interesting, but not as fulfilling as being home. And I feel like that home-woman role (which somehow seems important to me identity) is being denied to me because my husband can't support us and because he wants to do that as well, so then I would feel guilty if I forced him to go out and work so I could stay home. Its like there is no win position.
Am I just self-indulgent and wanting it all? I just can't tell anymore! MY husband told me this morning that my choices are pretty much put up with the strain of the business or go out and work and not see Peter as much as I want to. Like him even trying to do something himself wasn't even an option. I feel like its really unfair. I know, these were all my choices that lead me to this position- I choose to marry this man, I choose to start the business and now my choices have lead me somewhere that I am unhappy and I have no idea how to get out. Or if its even fair of me to try.
I feel like I mislead everyone, including myself. I thought I was strong enough to do it all, but I'm not. And what if the grass isn't greener anyhow? Should I just try to work out some way to cope? My husband tells me that my standards are too high and I shouldn't stress so much. I know I am a perfectionist, but I am sick of being told the problems are all mine.
Thank you so, so much if you've read this far. I would love your advice. And seriously, if I just need a slap and to be told my count my blessings, say that- I know there is a whole lot about my situation that is enviable!
You are in a bind! With skills in the workplace and in the home and with a taste of both lives.... what to do!?!?!
It seems as if your DH may have developed a few new employable skills since working in your business, maybe he could use those to get a part time job, allowing you to get a part time job too and share staying at home with Peter??
That way you could have a few days in the workforce, he could too (that sounds fair) and then you both get to spend a few days as a family too. Peter would be soooo lucky to be able to have such great contact time with both parents and you might find your sanity again !
I do think it's worth exploring ALL options and that includes a job/career for you partner. It sounds like you don't think he's workshy just not career-driven or the corporate ladder type. And that's absolutely fine - just not when it puts a lot of pressure on you to come up with all the answers so you need to work this out as a couple.
Maybe he's just not found something he's really interested in yet but just knows what he's not interested in doing.
This sounds like it could turn into a sensitive subject between you so I would explain it to him in terms of the way it makes you feel ie. that it makes you feel under a lot of pressure and you want to explore all options not just the ones that revolve around you working full-time.
As far as him not being super-qualified for anything in particular goes, well that's kind of a short-term problem. If he found something he was passionate about, then he could become qualified but the underlying issue seems to be that he's yet to find that passion. And if it's there lurking with him somewhere then it would be good to bring it out. If it's not, then I guess you need to both work out your feelings about you being the main/sole breadwinner and what that will mean for your family especially if you want to have more kids.
As far as his written skills go, that doesn't necessarily rule him out of an office type job. I am constantly amazed by the number of people earning $100K+ who make simple grammatical and spelling mistakes or labour for half an hour over the wording of something that should take five minutes. But at the end of the day, it doesn't really detract from their ability to do their job - they still get the job done.
But I think it would be worth thinking outside the square and concentrating on what he loves doing and whether he would be interested in developing a career out of that - whether it's gardening, music, DIY, cooking, beer-making , whatever.
Help I need life advice! (sorry long)
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