A bit of family info.
FIL isn't DH's real father. Him & MIL married when DH was 8. DH never knew his father.
Then when we got together DH told me he felt like crap coz of it, so I made a few calls & found his father for him. I was young & didn't think of the repercussions.
So anyway. He rang, DH talked to him. Then we find out why MIL hadn't seen or spoken to him in 18 years. Lets just say he wasn't a very nice person to DH or MIL. He actually threw DH up against a brick wall at 2 weeks old, so you get what I mean about not real nice.
Anyway, MIL freaked out, & FIL(step) thought he was gonna loose his boy. They have always been closer than any father/son I know.
We found out that DH had another brother & sister. He had 2 sisters but they tragically lost one of their DD's in a house fire at 12.
Anyway, we met them when DH was 19. I was 6 months pg with DD1. We spent 2 days with them, then never heard from them.
We sent them a card DD1's first christmas with our new phone number & I think DH rang them, but that was it. Nothing since.
We weren't too worried really, but over the years we have both been thinking about his brother & sister. We've never talked about them, but occasionally he's asked me to look them up on bebo & face book.
Well yesterday we found them. They don't know who we are just yet, well I don't think they've put 2 & 2 together yet, but they will.
We are happy to get to know them a bit, but we both agree that we don't want the kids knowing the situation & who they really are.
FIL(step) is their poppy. He's the best poppy you could ask for. I don't want them knowing anything different til they are old enough to handle it. Say, high school, or even older.
Plus I don't want him in & out of their lives. He doesn't have the best track record. From what we've seen & heard he is a different person & isn't that way anymore. I could tell from the way his kids were when we met them.
But thats not really the problem. I'm thinking of my kids & DH's family. MIL, FIL, BILs & SIL. I really don't even want them to know we are in contact in any way.
Do you think this is ok? Would you do the same? & how do you think I should tell them that I don't want the kids knowing??
Sweetness, i honestly believe and have always followed my gut. If your gut is telling you, DH's biological father/family, wouldn't be a positive influence in your kid's lives, then follow it!
When they are older, able to understand and make their own minds up, that's when you could tell them and give them the info..... that will then leave it open for them to explore, and find out for themselve's.
But until them, it is our responsibility to keep our children around positive, stable people....
As I said, I don't mind getting to know the kids, & I don't want mine to hate me later for keeping what is really their family away from them.
I think as long as they think they are just friends it won't hurt if they are in & out. Lots of friends do that.
You don't have to have your children call him anything personal. Our girls use the term Uncle/Aunt for different people and its caused no problems. They just accepted the term with no questions when small and when they were older they were told we used it as we didn't want them using their first name and using Mr/Mrs was to formal.
Go with what you feel comfortable with. If you have ground rules from the start it should not cause problems but let them know how you feel.
All the best as you decide what to do.
Skye - what a situation.
I think that hidding the truth from kids at any age can come and bite you in the bum at some point. It happened in our family - Mum was adopted, she knew from as early as she could rememebr, BUT she never told us. for the same reason, her adoptive parents were her parents and she didnt want anything to come in the way of that.
When we found out - long but not very nice story, i couldnt beleiev she would hide something like that.
To me, my nanny and grandad were just that, it didnt matter that they had not given birth to Mum, they were the most important people and my fav grandparents and her being adopted would never have changed that.
Her brother (also adopted) always knew, i dont know how it never came up, but i guess to them it also wasnt important.
i agree with the groud rule too - make them clear and if you are worried at any time, stop contact, they dont have to know where you live just yet.
Maybe you should explain to the girls that he is DH dad biologically, but not like his Dad, cos a dad is someone that does stuff with you and loves you etc etc make there be a difference and dont have an affectionate name for him (prehaphs the girls could call him by his first name or Mr....) Jesse is obviously too young to understand.
Just my opinion. I think that it is great that you have made contact, especially with Anth's siblings, it may be a good thing for him atm too
I would caution against having them in your lives, in any capacity, and leaving it till later to tell your own kids who they are. If you leave it till high school, they will probably resent you for patronising them and they may end up feeling duped.
If you told them sooner (your eldest might appreciate being in the loop at this stage), it would not underestimate them to tell them what the relationship is and that they can continue to call these people by their first names, not the relationship 'title'. You could even explain to them that Daddy's daddy is their Poppy, and this other man, 'x', is a different type of grandfather - keeping the name for the relationship formal, so that when they're a bit older, they can consolidate the formal name with the biological link, not the social/family/important relationship.
It would also explain to them, when older, why these people have been kept more distant.
I just fear a backlash if you hide the biological relationship from them, but not the real life people. Then, when old enough, they can make their own decisions about where they want them to fit in their lives.
ETA: Sammiejane, snap!
I realise it's really hard to be where you're at with this, and maybe you could even leave these truthful explanations on a more 'when asked' basis. If and when they ask would be the time to tell the truth, if you decide not to tell them sooner
I agree with everything you have all said.
It's kind of a hard call to make.
I might just play it by ear & just see how things go.
We haven't recieved a reply yet. We just sent a message to the kids each.
Let them know our names & that if they don't remember us to talk to their dad. It doesn't feel right us telling them who DH is if they don't know.
I think DH is disappointed about not hearing anything yet, but maybe we'll get something soon. I think he wants to know his brother & sister more than he's letting on.
Last edited by ~clover~; March 5th, 2009 at 01:59 PM.
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