Monday the 20th is Isabel and her twin's due date and I have no idea how I'm going to cope, the closer it gets the more I fall apart again. I should be welcoming them into my life crying, moving, living, a family at last but instead I'll be visiting the cemetary.
No one seems to remember or care it's just life as usual, not my family my friends or even my husbad seem to realise just how much it still hurts everyday let alone how much monday is going to mean to me. I feel like because of that I'm going to have to do it all alone and I just don't know how to.
I want my baby back, I want my babies back.
I want the happily ever after not the memories of her lying still and cold beside me.
I don't want the memories of her kicking my husband and making him smile to cut me inside. I don't want the feels of letting myself, my husband and our parents down.
I just want them back.
Why?
Kam, I am so sorry for the loss of your twins, it is unfair . Approaching the EDD is a very difficult time, I can relate to that, my daughter should have been born last month. I think people don't know what to say / do when it comes to grief and in turn it can make it even harder for those that are suffering. I encourage you to share how you are feeling with those closest to you, you shouldn't go through this alone. I will be thinking of you on Monday. Please take care of yourself.
I wasn't sure where to put this, but I woke up feeling like crap and needed to get it out of my head.
Sometimes I think that it would have been better if we never wanted kids, if we never tried, if we never conceived the twins then we wouldn't have been left broken hearted when they had to go. I wouldn't have seen the light and excitment in my husbands face everytime Isabel kicked him and I wouldn't have seen that light leave. I wouldn't feel like a failure for not being able to give him a family, for not being able to give our parents there first grandchild. I would have watch my dreams die, my life die.
I know they tell me that its not my fault but they don't know what happened so how do they know it wasn't my fault. And even if it wasn't a mum should be able to protect her babies and keep them safe, but I couldn't.
I hate myself I've lost muscle tone, I have spider veins, stretch marks, labour, post partum bleeding. The mental and physical preperations, we had started organising her nursery and so many plans (classes, etc) and for what to have the one thing that matter most to us in the world taken from us and to left with a house full, a life full of gut wrenching memories.
Why did I bother? Why do I bother? When all thats left is an empty shell a dead soul. Nothings the same I have no friends i keep my family at a distance and my marriage is under almost unbearable stress. Why do I bother if this is all I deserve from life?
It hurts so bad that I don't think I would even feel it if I was stabbed because even that would be nothing compare to the pain I'm constantly in.
I just want to know why, I just want it all to be a horrible dream. I'm tired and I'm hurt and I just want to stop feeling, to give up.
Last edited by MantaRay; April 18th, 2009 at 12:43 PM.
: moderating
I am so sorry you lost your babies, and i wish i could help lessen your hurt. There are some telephone numbers you can call if you want to chat with someone. Your babies due date can bring up lots of emotion, and sometimes it can help just having someone outside to talk to.
SIDS and KIDS have a 24 hour bereavement support line Freecall 1800 651 186. They also have some info on their website and a board for other parents who have lost babies.
The Bonnie Babes Foundation also has a 24 hour telephone service for people who have lost babies
Phone 1300 266 643 (1300 BONNIE).
I sense you are trying to reach out. Please give one of these numbers a call.
After having 2 miscarriages in a row, the first one twins... i feel your pain, i am so sorry that you have to go through this. On Monday i will hold your spirit close all day, i hope that even though i can not be there physically you may feel some comfort if you remember i am with you in spirit..
I hope i does not seem out of place with me sharing with you, to help me greive, i wrote my babies a letter, tied the letters to helium balloons, went to the graveyard, i cired my heart out for what felt like hours and when i felt ready i held the letters tight one last time and let the balloons go... i felt that i was finally freeing myself of any guilt, (even though it was a straight out miscarriage... we don't know what went wrong either)... and i grieved some more, it felt like my world had comet o a complete standstill and nobody understood or really cared... i managed to find someone to confide in and worked through my grieving with them, this is why i have such a big gap between my first and 2nd ....
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine your pain. I have suffered loss as well although mine was early (miscarriage and an ectopic together). You did nothing wrong you must know that! Sometimes we never understand why things happen and that is the most frustrating part. It is hard I know to feel alone and that no one cares or relates. Please know that I will be thinking of you on your special day. The reason that you hurt so bad is that you are a fantastic mother to your angel babies and you did your very best!
I really liked the idea of the balloons and letter being released I could see how that might be a great way to honour your children and release all the love and emotion and pain you feel. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that you find some peace within.
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Isabel and her twin's Due Date
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