Disiplining in step families.. What do you do??

[blessedatlast]

I have been around my DP's son since 12 months old.. He has lived with us full time til age 2 and now its about 50/50.. Obviously I disipline him.. He is in my care when DP is at work.. DP and I both agree to smack as a last resort so yes I have smacked him.. (Also his mum smacks too). My question isn't related to the smacking so much but more do you think a step parent has the right to disipline? If not, why? and if yes what cicumstances?? I know this can be a tough one and there would be different circumstances involving ages, etc.. I have said I will only disipline DSS if DP is not at home, however even when DP is at home he leaves it all to me. I don't really like that because sometimes I feel its not my right but then I take on every other aspect of mothering to him, and he is like my own so why wouldn't I have the right? Also if I didn't the kid would have no disipline or boundaries as I think DP is lazy TBH..

[Inertia]

It is seriously a lot harder when the other parent is still in the frame.

My DH has the same rights as me - we are a united front. I think that is vital and what a Step Parent should be given, else they just become the glorified (and free) babysitter. But my XH isnt here rocking the boat about it.

Your DP needs to be a united front with you too. Without that, one day you may run into the "you're not my..." rebuttal because they wont see that your actions are being approved by someone who is!

[blessedatlast]

Inertia, I completely understand what you mean about me and DP being united.. We are sort of.. I mean he doesn't go against me.. He does back me up and it is kind of what I say goes but He would just probably let things go more than I would if I wasn't there. Do I make sense? And as for the "Your not my mother" yes I am waiting for that.. Fortunately as I have been around for as long as he can remember, it hasn't yet occured to him to say it YET!! I am sure it will come and I hope to respond with something like "I am not trying to be your mother but I am still part of your family and I just want to do whats best" or something like that.. I know when it does come up he wont care how I respond at the time, but I am fairly sure he will have respect for me when he is old enough to understand family dynamics.. I hope so anyway, I have put a lot of hard work into that child and love him like my own..

[mumma_lion]

I have a stepson who is nearly 19 now. I have known him since he was 8, he use to live with us when we where in the same town. I would like to think that him and I have a pretty good step relationship I am very up front and tell things how i see it. From the word go I told him that I was not has mother and I has no intenion of taking to role of mother way from his real mum. If he did something wrong I would get mad at him but I feel that it was not my place to smack him (not that he ever go smacked). But for the most part he was a good kid.

[AwesomeFoursome]

If the step-parent cares for the kids, yes I think a step-parent has the right to disipline. We don't have dsd's very often now because their mother moved away. But when we have them I disipline them the same way as my own. We don't smack them, their mother doesn't smack them either but we do time out, loss of treats ect. We have ds and a bub on the way and I'm not having any of the kids treated differently. As think if a step-parent can not disipline step-children in a blended family in can cause problems between the couple and between the children. I haven't got the "Your not my mother" and dsd1 is 12. The girls understand that in this house me and daddy makes the rules and care for them TOGETHER and they are happy with that.

[fionas]

I think it depends on the age of the kids primarily. In your situation and with your DSS being so young, you have to discipline because you're the one who's around the most - I would be having a word with your DH though if you think he should be more supportive. As for smacking - I think that's a decision to be made by each one of the parents and step parents jointly if possible so that there is consistency. That's ideal world though and we don't live in an ideal world unfortunately.

My DSD is 15 and has lived with us on and off since she was 13 so it's a completely different kettle of fish. Basically I leave sorting out curfew times, how she's getting home etc. to DP BUT if she wants to go out unannounced I will get her to phone her dad and ask permission/let him know. Likewise, she knows that if her and DP have agreed she is to be home by a certain time and she's not, then I will tell DP. The only situation I would step in is if she was rude to me but touch wood, that's never actually happened so haven't had to cross that bridge.

I have no idea what I would do with the in-betweenie ages if your stepchildren entered your life between 5-12.